A funny thing happened while fighting cancer...seriously, some funny things have happened over the months, but the last three months have been the hardest that I have encountered in my life. I fully intended on keeping up with the blog, keeping life "normal", and keeping focused on the end goal. But I lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel for awhile. I still can't completely see it, but I have finally dragged myself out of bed and joined the rest of the world working, being somewhat social, cooking, etc.
Have you seen the movie Girl, Interrupted? You know, the one movie where I actually liked Angela Jolie before she became a home wrecker and before her lips got their own zip code. And who could forget Wynona Ryder before she was busted for shop lifting? Well, I loved the move. It's an oldie but a goodie in my mind. If you know the movie you are probably wondering where I am taking this. Well, I feel like I have been Girl, Interrupted since this whole journey started but even more so the past several months. Not crazy girl who needs to be institutionalized or anything. Just a normal girl who has had her "normal" interrupted. Does that make sense at all? If not...maybe I need to reconsider the crazy part if this all doesn't make sense, but I really think I am about as far away from insane as one can get...or maybe I'm just on the other side of the fence and I can't see it there.
My last chemo on October 25 kicked my butt! By the end of the evening I started getting sick and felt sick for days. I couldn't hold down food, didn't get out of bed unless I needed to get sick, and simply felt awful. The good thing is that I lost a few pounds, but that is not the way that I wanted to do it. The storms that happened the night of my last chemo were a prelude to the coming days. Of course my parents were amazing and came to help me out. I do my best to hide when I'm not feeling well, but there are some days that I just can't fake it.
I had my first post-chemo scans on October 30...well, I went to get my first scan, but with all the excitement of the last round of chemo they forgot to give me instructions with the barium for the CT scan. So I drank it WHOLE without adding water. Definitely not a good idea and didn't allow for images to be seen. I guess I should have Googled it like I do everything else, but I don't remember ever having to add water and thought I was doing the "right" thing. Needless to say, it showed up like a blob when they tried to do the scan. I was handed a new bottle with instructions and told to make a new appointment. My next stop was a bone scan. I asked if he would take a picture of me getting a scan, but the tech acted like I asked for his first born and declined. Looks like I will be back next Monday to get a CT scan and a breast MRI. I can't wait to find out if all the chemo worked. The tech who did the bone scan told me that the results would be posted online in my records that night and I began stalking the website.
Halloween came around and I finally started feeling a little better. Halloween has always been a big holiday in my family. My Dad decorates their home to the extreme. Thousands of people to to their house to see all of his amazing creations. He's done this for years and Halloween is bigger than Christmas for him. He always says that it will be the "last year", but I can't imagine that he will stop anytime soon. The hours upon hours that he takes to create monsters, set up the yard & house, greet guests, hand out candy, etc. are ingrained in him. I try to go to their house in the days leading up to Halloween, but I have spent the last years of the holiday with my girlfriends and their kids. I love all the costumes, energy, and fun of children. This year was no different. Halloween at Stephanie's home with friends and family. I decided that the first solid food I had in days should be a chili dog...clearly the chemo was impacting my thought process. After Steph's I made my usual stop at Greg and Liz's to see the gang over there and stand around the fire. I didn't stay long, but it was great to get out.
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| Witches' bloody fingers that I baked for the kids! |
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| How cute is this little cupcake?!?! My favorite costume of the year! |
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| A bunch of the kids before they went Trick or Treating! |
I worked at my Chicago office on November 7th and 8th. Since I am scheduled for two days in the city Cindi and I plan on staying at the apartment and having dinner Wednesday night. I spent the day in meetings and prepping for the following day's meeting. A little after 4 PM I had a call from Loyola. Caller ID can be your friend, but it can also cause complete panic. Today the number caused panic. I answered the phone and walked out of the room where we were all working. I took a deep breath and headed to the office lobby. Dr. Robinson was on the phone and asked "do you have time to talk?" Of course I thought the worst, but was surprised to hear the best that we could have possibly expected. All of my tests were back and "there is no measurable sign of cancer." That's right, "NO measurable sign of disease". Okay, not as good as "it is completely gone", but I'll take it. There is still cancer, but it is too small to measure (under a centimeter). I stood in the lobby with tears running down my face. We were both shocked that chemo worked so well. We anticipated that chemo would work, but didn't expect such great results. It was at this time that I realized the last two rounds of chemo were worth it! I called my parents to give them the news, sent a text to all the girls, and walked back into the conference room where we were meeting. I wasn't jumping for joy, doing a cheer, or swinging from the rafters...I simply was in shock and still trying to digest the news. I walked to meet Cindi for dinner. I was in a daze walking to the restaurant. Tears continued to run down my face as I walked and thought about things. The busiest time downtown Chicago is after work. The sidewalks are packed, the streets are busy, the city is alive...and yet I walked to the restaurant and felt completely alone. Lost in my thoughts, stuck in my fears, and in awe of the results. Cindi wanted to celebrate, but I wanted to over analyse the situation, ask a million questions, try to figure it all out. I think I should have been more excited, but it all seemed surreal. I still don't feel great, I still have poison running through my body, I'm still bald, I'm still tired...all the bad things were still happening, but the majority of the cancer is gone. It will take time for this all to sink in. I need to see it in writing to make sure that there wasn't a mistake. All the girls were sending great texts! Everyone was so excited. I just couldn't figure out why I was not as elated as others. I guess it was simply...I was no place close to the end of the journey and the cancer can still grow while I am waiting the next 5 weeks for surgery.
I only told a handful of people about the results in the first 24 hours. I finally posted it on Facebook. Maybe if I put it in writing it will all seem real:
"Thankful for good news!!! Happy to share that all of my latest scans show "no measurable sign of cancer"! Much better results than anticipated! Six rounds of chemo, all your prayers, and positive thoughts did the trick. Still in shock and overwhelmed. I'm trying to recover from chemo and preparing for surgery in December. I'm so fortunate to have the best support in the world! XOXO"
Typing it was helpful. Getting so many positive remarks was therapeutic. The support from near and far is nothing short of amazing. WE did it...WE got closer to getting all of the cancer out of my body.
The weeks ahead were spent working and preparing for time off work. The plan is sex weeks off of work so I am trying to double up on all that needs to be done so that I leave very few projects for others on my team. They all have been so great but I hate that my cancer impacts their lives.
I tried to have a little fun along the way, but mainly focused on the 12/12/12 surgery. On November 17, I did get to cross something off my "bucket list"...I learned how to make tamales!!! We even made them from scratch! So lucky to have my favorite Hissssspppanic friend Kim. Granted she can hardly speak a lick of Spanish, but her Aunt was able to give all us a lesson. It was like a meeting of the United Nations...me (Irish mutt with hillbilly on my Mom's side), a Jewish girl, a Polish girl, two hot tamales, and Kim. :) Learning to make tamales has been on my list for years. Let's just say that I have a new appreciation for the effort put into these little packages, the next time we will need more corn husks, a penny in the bottom of a pan to make sure that the water doesn't evaporate doesn't work, but The Papesh's smoke alarm works well. The end results were twice a sweet because we made them with our own hands and with love.
I tried to have a little fun along the way, but mainly focused on the 12/12/12 surgery. On November 17, I did get to cross something off my "bucket list"...I learned how to make tamales!!! We even made them from scratch! So lucky to have my favorite Hissssspppanic friend Kim. Granted she can hardly speak a lick of Spanish, but her Aunt was able to give all us a lesson. It was like a meeting of the United Nations...me (Irish mutt with hillbilly on my Mom's side), a Jewish girl, a Polish girl, two hot tamales, and Kim. :) Learning to make tamales has been on my list for years. Let's just say that I have a new appreciation for the effort put into these little packages, the next time we will need more corn husks, a penny in the bottom of a pan to make sure that the water doesn't evaporate doesn't work, but The Papesh's smoke alarm works well. The end results were twice a sweet because we made them with our own hands and with love.
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| Two Hot Tamales...Kim and her Aunt teaching us how to make tamales! So much fun and they actually tasted great. And the smoke alarm only went off once! |
On November 20 I celebrated all the great results that my TMMA WE has had with their end of session party at Truth. It was great to see so many friends. So much fun that I decided I would go to kickboxing the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. That's right, I went in and hit the bag for the first time since I got sick. I was a nervous wreck walking in the door, but Steph was there to meet me, Bridget put cones around "my" bag so that it wouldn't get used, and I jumped in full speed ahead! That only lasted until Steph told me that I needed to slow down and reminded me that I shouldn't workout so hard. Well, if you know Steph it is easier to listen to what she tells you to do than it is to listen to her get all bossy. She even had Tim stop by a few times to get me to slow it down a bit. It felt so good to be in there...bald head and all. I skipped the burpees and most of the other Extra, Extras. I left there on a high! The best I have felt in months. The high left when the pain caught up with the joints and muscles that had gone dormant.
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| Jenny, me & Steph at the awards dinners. |
Me and my friend Rich at the dinner...just a few weeks away from is first full marathon. So proud of him.
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| Me and one of my best friends who happens to be the best workout partner. I miss our hours on the bag. |
Thanksgiving finally came! It is my FAVORITE holiday. Always has been and always will be. I felt the best I have in months and I was ready for the day. I started my morning reflecting on all that I am thankful for. My family, my friends, my job, my health, my cancer journeys, etc. The list is long and grows each day. It is sobering to think about all the blessing that we have in our lives. Even on the darkest days we can find something to give thanks for. My first dinner was at Mom and Dad's house. Just a small group, but one of the nicest Thanksgivings we have had in a long time. It was a simple day but had all the people I love most in my family at the same table. Maybe it seemed extra special this year because we have been through so much over the past few months. Maybe we just needed a good kick in the butt to remind us of all that we have. All the little things. All the love and all the laughs. After my parent's home I went to the Ragusa's. As small as my family is, their family has a full house. Kids running around, birthday gifts for Andrew and Eric, food and more food, games, cocktails, love, and laughter. We played games for hours. Today I am thankful for the laughter that filled the homes I was in. I haven't laughed this hard in the longest time. Laughing so hard that years ran down my legs. :)
November 27 was spent with Cindi at Loyola with Dr. Godellas. He will be performing the mastectomy part of my surgery. He starts the surgery and then the plastic surgeon finishes things off. I almost went alone to the appointment but decided to take Cindi last minute...THANK GOD! Dr. Godellas was not running on time today. We were there for several hours and most of it was spent in a room waiting. We saw all his nurses, his PA, and then finally he arrived. He's the kind of man you can't be angry with but he was very apologetic. We talked a lot about the surgery. I haven't seen him since early July so this was my opportunity to ask more questions and make sure we were all on the same page. I joked explained that it was his job to make me look good naked again. He said it was his job to get rid of the cancer. Again I mentioned looking good naked. Again he mentioned it was his job to make me live...touche'! He wins. But he still better make me look good naked! The one thing that was disturbing about today's appointment was the fact that I will no longer be able to get IVs in my arms. No blood draws, no blood pressure, etc. Blood will be drawn from me feet...did she say FEET?!?! OMG that cannot be a good thing. Well I guess I will find out on the day that I go in for surgery. Better plan on getting a pedicure!
November 28th was spent with Jenna and Keri in the city. We discovered new cocktails, a great bartender, and a yummy lunch. All followed by the stage performance of Les Miserable!!! Fifth row center...we could smell the smoke on the candles, see the look in the actors' eyes, and feel every emotion of the amazing performance. Thanks, Mary for the tickets. You gave the three of us a wonderful day.
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| Adorable thank you gift from Jenna! These are going to the hospital with me! |
December 1st came around and it was time to celebrate Diva Christmas! We are a little early this year, but everyone is helping get things ties up before surgery. This is the one dinner a year that all eight of us from college never miss. We always figure it out. It has meant changing flights, coming home early from trips, leaving sick kids at home, etc. But it is a commitment that we made more than 14 years ago. While some of us see each other often we do not always have luck getting everyone together. For 14 years we have done an ornament exchange with the group. I literally start looking for the perfect ornament the minute they start hitting the stores! Each year I end up buying several options, can't remember where I put them all, and then panic when I can't find them on the day of the dinner. Somethings never change. The fun part is looking at each of our Christmas trees each year and seeing all the wonderful memories that we have created. If you don;t have traditions with your friends I would highly recommend them. Traditions are often the glue that can hold things together. The reason to not make excuses and get together. The reason to pop some champagne, talk so loudly that you clear a room, and enjoy the evening like WE are the only ones in the restaurant. I'm sure others look at us like we are a crazy bunch, but I hope they see the history when they peak in our direction. They will see the history of friendships that have gone through the loss of a brother, illnesses of parents, relationship challenges, cancer, divorce, sick kids, troubles getting pregnant, premature births, breakups, love lost and love found, bridesmaid dresses, Bertday bashes, a trip to Vegas, dancing wherever we find the space, etc.... History runs deep with this group and the future will bring so much!
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| My GIRLS!!! Steph, Gina, Rebecca, Kimmie, me with Zara, Mary, Cindi, and Kerri! LOVE THESE GIRLS!!! |
December 9th was my 3rd Annual Girls Night In Holiday Pajama Party...the sad thing was that it wasn't at my house. With all that is going on my friend Rayna decided to take on the relaxing night in. I felt guilty for not having it, but will definitely have it back at my home next Christmas.
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| Some of the gang in the pajamas! FINALLY they all showed up in pajamas. It only took 3 years to get them on the same page with me. I had the best sock monkey hat and socks to go with my sock monkey jammies! Love these girls! And yes, I am still bald. :( Even my eyelashes and eyebrows are now gone.
The following days were spent doing the final prep for surgery. I cleaned the guest room for my Mom and she started moving in. I had to keep reminding her that it was only for a few nights. :) I met with the mastectomy specialist at Loyola. All patients have to meet with her before surgery. She is a kind young nurse who goes through everything with me about what to expect with surgery and with the days to follow. I will then meet with her at a later time for sleeves and bras. It was just the two of us that day. I went in thinking all would be ok, but I was an emotional mess. It is starting to sink in with me. I am less that 24 hours from surgery. I am less that 24 hours from removing parts of my body that are related to femininity. I am 100% certain that I am making the right decision, but I am TERRIFIED. There are so many "what ifs", things that can go wrong, and a ton of unknowns. There's no turning back now, but I am not sure that I am strong enough to continue on with this journey. I leave Loyola after meeting with the anesthesiologist and head home. I think it was at this point that I started moving in a fog. I met Cindi for dinner and then headed home to pack and get ready for bed. My alarm is set for 4 AM. I'm first operation of the day. Please let them have me on the schedule!
Off to bed!
XOXO,
Sue
PS...I forgot to mention something that meant so much to me. I can't remember the exact day that it came, but I received a package in the mail and in it was the Chicago Marathon medal that my friend Christine received when she crossed the finishline. She waited to hear that I was cancer free to mail it. Cancer has been my marathon. I feel guilty that she gave it to me, but I absolutely love the meaning behind it. Thank you, Christine...you AMAZE me!  |
