October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So Get Your Pumpkins in for a Mammogram! October 8 - 11, 2012

"All we have in this world is hope and faith..."

October 8 - 11, 2012

I'd love to have some exciting things to write about and some great things happening in my life, but the truth is this is a tough week.  Each morning starts with a 9 AM shot, followed by work, followed by resting in bed, and then a little sleep.  Yep, I'm living the life!

Monday - 9 AM shot from Dad.  I was up most of the night in pain.  My hips, knees, shoulders, and legs are hurting at all times.  So much pain that I have a hard time getting things done today.  Fortunately I am off of work.  I just have time to think about the discomfort.  In my mind I am counting down the days until my next treatment and I have convinced myself that I will magically feel better immediately after my sixth and final round.  Who the heck am I trying to kind.  I only left the house to get a massage to attempt to relieve some of the pain.  Kim did an amazing job and even had a cute gift waiting when I arrived. One great thing that I saw today was a picture of Christine's marathon singlet on Facebook.  Awesome!!

Kim decided to give Audrey a pink "wig".  What a great gift and I LOVE the movie!


Christine's marathon singlet!  You are AMAZING!!!


Tuesday - 9 AM shot from Dad.  The majority of the day is spent working.  My discomfort is still there, but gets better each day.  I only left the house to run and get brats hand delivered from Michigan.  Some of the Papesh's were there over the weekend and they brought me home some of my favorites!  Since I didn't get to have them in Michigan, this is the next best thing.  Thanks for thinking of me Chris!  Work is full of additional stress today.  My boss (and friend) has announced that she has taken another position within ACS.  I knew the change was coming, but it is still sad to see it in writing.  The organization continues to make changes and recently these changes are impacting my life.  It should be an interesting few weeks.  I've worked with Staci for the majority of my years at ACS.  We will still work together in some ways, but not as closely as we have over time.  Mom and Dad came over for dinner.  Nothing fancy, but some quality time together.

Wednesday - 9 AM shot from Dad.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  My days are like Groundhog Day.  I had a slow start to today.  I'm simply feeling tired and sore, so I spent a little longer in bed than usual this morning.  I literally spend more time in bed than I spend time out of bed these days.  It is a pretty sad statement, but at least I have a comfy bed!  My day was spent working.  There are so many projects that I need to pull together before I am off work for surgery.  Some days I don't feel like I know where to start, but today was a good flow of a day at work.  I did get a fantastic delivery.  I've joked so much about a Bedazzler and now I have my very own!!  Thank you Today!  Miss you so much and appreciate your thoughts and prayers!  I can't wait to figure out what I will Bedazzle first...I'm thinking Henry may be a good canvas to add a little sparkle to!  The evening is spent resting and texting with friends...Hensley and Stephanie in PA.  Always great to catch up and see what is going on in their lives.  Stephanie ended the text with "All we have in this world is hope and faith..."  My response was "You're right, but I like a solid plan to add to hope and faith ;)"

I love that the box of the Bedazzler hasn't changed since I was a kid.  I'm a little intimidated by it and I don't know what to bedazzle!  Thanks, Toby!  XOXO
Thursday - 9 AM shot from Dad.  I was up and working bright and early today.  It seems like a pattern that it takes me about a week to really recover from a round of chemo.  The addition of all the shots is slowing down the recovery process, but I'm feeling pretty well today.  My IM is blinking pretty early and I am asked to call in to work.  I always get nervous when someone says "call me", "we need to talk", etc.  That pit in my stomach drops and I worry that I am in trouble.  Then I spend a few minutes trying to think of reasons why I may be in trouble.  It is a vicious cycle that I blame on my Catholic guilt!  This call in to Ann was for a good reason.  She's asked me to join her and other from ACS on Windy City Live next week.  Windy City Live took over the "Oprah spot" when she went off the air and they have a large following in Chicago.  I'm supper excited because I have the show on every day and because I think the main host is adorable.  They all just seem fun and down to earth on the show.  So, I agree to join her next Thursday.  When I hang up the phone I think it all through and realize that I have just agreed to show my bald melon without makeup for all of the Chicagoland area to see.  YIKES!!!  I may never get a date again.  My second thought is...How the heck do I drop 20 lbs in a week!  Seriously, I have put on so much weight with chemo, my dark circles are worse than Uncle Fester's, and I will need to shine my melon.  Destined to spend my life alone!!!   I guess I've put it all out here on the blog, so what's so bad about TV???  What am I thinking.  Fortunately, it is a beautiful Fall day in IL.  My favorite time of year.  Cindi is in New Mexico at the balloon festival and sent this amazing picture.  I really need to travel.  Finances have kept me close to home, but there are so many amazing places to see.


Balloon Festival

Funniest part about today would be Kevin's post on Facebook!  He's a HUGE Chicago Bears' fan!  I mean HUGE!  I didn't see his post from this past Sunday until today when someone "liked" it.  Here's what this past Sunday's post said.  It is the same day that we were all at Strides:

"Today is not only Bears Sunday, but it's Sue's Sunday too! So in honor of both of them, I thought I'd sing two fight songs today! So here we go... a one, a two, and one-two-three... Bear down...Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to Victory, Bear down...Chicago Bears, put up a fight with the might so fearlessly.. we'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation!
 Bear down... Chicago Bears... and let them know why you're wearing the crown, you're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears.. BEAR DOWN!! Now for Susie... Bear down... Susie Ward, make every day clear the way to Victory, Bear down...Susie Ward, put up a fight with the might so fearlessly...we'll never forget the way you thrilled your WE club with your Determination! Bear down...Susie Ward... and let them know why you're wearing Zara, you're the pride and joy of Joliet, Susie Ward.. BEAR DOWN!! (bump, bump!) Now let's cheer for two victories today people! And that deserves a big time HEY NOW!!"



I hope you all are having a GREAT week.  Life is too short not to.

XOXO,

S



I Get Up Every Morning Determined to Both Change the World and Have One Hell of a Good Time. Sometimes This Makes Planning My Day Difficult." E.B. White - October 7, 2012

"Good friends help you find important things when you've lost them..your smile, your hope, and your courage."  Doe Zantamata

October 7, 2012

Why does morning come so early?  Wide awake at 4 AM and thinking about everyone running the marathon.  It is cold in Chicago and what some would call perfect marathon weather.  I call it perfect weather for staying under the covers, but that will not be happening today.  I start with posting on Christine, Anna, and Colleen's Facebook walls.  They are among the many that are taking on 26.2 today!  Three women who inspire me.  Again, running a marathon is not on my bucket list.  The closest I would get to it is a movie marathon on tv...maybe a nice "Love & Murder" Lifetime marathon or Criminal Minds.  So those who do decide to run that distance simply awe-inspiring.

While they are getting ready to toe the line (I know the terminology that I will never use), I am up and getting ready to head over to the American Cancer Society Making Strides Against Breast Cancer of Joliet.  Chemo is continuing to take a toll on my body and today is a rough start.  I actually consider not going to the event but I really want to see everyone.  I take an extra hot and extra long shower, a half of a painkiller, and dress extra warm and extra pink for the day.  Pink long underwear, pink shirt, pink and black jacket, pink wig...CHECK!  I actually really like the wig.  It's a cute cut and a BRIGHT color.  Nobody should have problems finding me today.  I pack up my stuff and head to the Speedway a little after 7 AM.

It is in the 30's...yikes!  It is a sunny, beautiful day, but really cold.  I first see Cindi and Luke.  They are volunteering at the t-shirt tent.  Luke comments on the fact that he hasn't seen me in hair in months.  :)  Then Kevin shows up, my Mom, Joyce, sister, Jennifer...etc.  The group is growing by the minute.  So many people that are an important part of my life.  There is no place that I would rather be and no place that is harder to be today.  Everyone is taking pictures, talking to me, looking great in pink, etc.  I'm a little out of it because I'm just not feeling well, but I'm doing my best to fake it.  Lots of hugs, well wishes, gifts, and most importantly LOVE! WE have a huge group.  Family, friends from my childhood, high school friends, college friends, Harrah's friends, ACS friends, TM Martial Arts friends...I didn't even get a chance to see everyone that was there or even say goodbye to them when they left.  I feel guilty for not being 100% today.  I didn't even walk with everyone.  So much so that I walked some of the track by myself.  I'm not even sure how that happened.

Some really awesome things about today...Jennifer did a ton of fundraising.  She sent a great letter out to family and friends and raised over $900, Ann raised $515, I received more than $1600 in donations, our Diva team raised $5870 for the fight against breast cancer!!!  You all are amazing.  Donations came from near and far.  Bill Schueler ran the 9 miles to the track to get ready for his upcoming half marathon.  Joy brought an amazing side by side of two of my pictures framed and signed.  The little girls dressed in tutus...my favorite.  Kevin McMaster wore a pink mohawk.  I was joined by fellow young survivors - Stacey, Kris, Chris and Lynn...all women that heard the words "you have breast cancer" at too young of an age.  And Kathy who will soon be a 25 year survivor!!!  I cannot wait to say that I made it that far.  Everyone took amazing pictures.  It was great to be surrounded by so much love, hope, and courage.  Large sunglasses hid my tears.  Tears of love, joy, and a little bit of pain.

We all took the track and walked 3.2 miles...my own little marathon today.  I can't say that it didn't cross my mind to stop or call someone to come get me in the golf cart, but stopping isn't an option for me in this battle. I haven't stopped since June 22 and I can't stop now.  No matter how I felt today I wouldn't let myself quit.  So, I walked slowly and today I crossed the finish line.  My actual "finish line" is months away, but I felt a small victory when I made it to the end.  And at the end there were all the amazing people that have helped carry me every step of the way during this journey.  You all inspire me.

I'm sorry if I didn't see everyone that was there to support me, or talk at great length, or take enough pictures, or show enough gratitude.  I promise that I did my best and I could not possibly begin to thank all of you enough.  You helped to put a smile on my face today...I would have stayed under the covers if it wasn't for each of you.

After the walk a few of us went to lunch.  While there I had texts that said that Christine and Anna had finished their marathon.  Anna completed her first marathon today. I am sure that the memories of her Dad and Uncle helped her with every step.  Christine ran her best marathon to date..she had a PR ("personal record" for those who don't speak runner).  She even qualified and had her sister register her for Boston!  A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT.  She said I brought her luck.  The truth is that she has given me strength!

Dad came over to give me my shot.  Off to bed for me!  EVERYTHING hurts!  I'm off tomorrow and I don't plan on getting out of bed anytime soon.

An amazing day with so many people that I love!  Lots of pictures below!

XOXO,

S

Me and Kimmie!  <3

Joy's VERY awesome gift!


Part of my WE.

Stacey Peters and me...we met in the young survivors support group in 2001.  She is AMAZING!

All my Divas is training!  Liver, Abby, me, Emma, Ash, and Allison.  How are they getting so tall??

Me & Gina Marie!

Mom, me & Chris.

Me and Mary! XOXO

Part of my WE!

Jackson, Billy, Max, Max & Frank!

Me & Kathy Papesh!  An amazing breast cancer survivor!  Coming up on 25 years!

Johnnie, Patty, Jim, Jennifer, me, Mom & Chris...friends/family since Jennifer and I were 4 years old!
AMAZING support!  XOXO
Some of my AMAZING work WE!  Love these girls!
Rockin' the pink wig and mohawk!  XOXO, Kevin!

Me and Kris...both breast cancer survivors!

Me and Steph!  One of my rocks!

Me, Kris, Dawne, Steph, Kimmie, and Jenny!


A new addition to my apron collection!  You can NEVER have too many.  Hand made by Mrs. Kickels!  

A soft and beautiful hat.  Handmade by Jenn Wiegman and delivered by her and cute little Maggie!


You Have to Have a Bad Day Every Once in a While Otherwise You'll Never Know What a Good Day Feels Like. - Oct. 6, 2012

"Take a deep breath.  It's just a bad day, not a bad life."

October 6, 2012

Did anyone get the licences number of the bus that hit me??  UGH!!!!  I feel terrible today.  Exhausted, nauseous, in pain, blurry eyes, etc.  The kind of day that I should just spend in bed, but it is a cold weekend and I need to run to Target to get long underwear for the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event in Joliet tomorrow.  I have 50 or more people going because I'm going to be there so I can't miss it.  Well, I could miss it, but I will feel like the biggest ass if I did.

Dad came over to give me my 9 AM shot...just as painful as yesterday.  He reminds me that he was a medic in Vietnam, but I think that he forgets that it was almost 50 years ago.  After he leaves I put on sweats, a stocking cap, big sunglasses, and head out the door.  Target is only a few miles away, but it is one of those days that I'm not sure I'll have the energy to make it there and back.  I head directly to the long underwear section and do my best to avoid familiar faces.  I simply don't want people to see how badly I look today and I know that I would not have it in me to carry on a conversation.  I really try to look "healthy" when I leave the house.  Makeup, concealer, lip gloss, and a smile are almost always in tow, but not today.  Today is an overall crappy day that will be spent in bed with high hopes of keeping the saltines down and my spirits up for tomorrow.  The majority of the day is spent napping and resting for tomorrow.  The mail has an adorable Halloween sock monkey from my Chemo Angel.  The doorbell rings, but I missed getting to the door in time.  The Cruz-Perez family delivered cupcakes that the boys made and decorated.  So darn cute!!  And Gina did a man-n-cheese delivery and picked up some flowers that I need for tomorrows event.  I want flowers to bring, but ran out of energy to go buy them.  I am lucky to have friends that will run errands for me.  I do my best not to ask favors, but every do often I need one.  I hope that all my friends know that I would do exactly the same for them.

Lookin' rough!  I wonder if dark circles will be "in" for Winter!  


Cupcakes from the Cruz-Perez Family.  Great job, boys!


I eat a little and then curl up in the blankets that Mrs. Legan has made me.  It is a cold day and the warmth of the blankets is amazing.  Steph sends texts of the boys at football with all their pink gear and texts of Stephen racing in pink gear.  Pretty wonderful to see that the boys have an understanding of awareness, but sad to know how aware they are of cancer at such a young age.

Blankets from Mrs. Legan!  So soft!  I wish I would have learned more from my Grandma.
I'd say goodnight, but that makes it sound like I actually didn't spend the majority of the day sleeping.

XOXO,

S




Maxwell, Ryan and Dolan...Real boys wear pink!


Even Stephen got in on the PINK at his race in Champaign!  Too cute!

In This World There Is No Force Equal to the Strength of a Determined Woman - Oct. 5, 2012

"It will hurt.  It will take time. It will require dedication. It will require willpower.  You will need to make healthy decisions.  It requires sacrifice.  You will need to push your body to the max.  There will be temptation.  But, I promise you, when you reach your goal, it's worth it!"  On running a marathon...

October 5, 2012

It's the Friday before the Chicago Marathon.  That means that more than 45,000 runners are embarking on Chicago for the weekend.  They will have friends and family cheering them on as they take on 26.2 miles.  YES...26.2 miles.  That's one of those things in life that I will never understand...how do you talk your body and mind into taking on the task of 26.2??  I get stressed with a mile and a half.  I think I could do a 5K and maybe even a 10K if I could actually learn how to breathe properly, but I don't believe that I have the mentality of a marathon runner.  However, I do like a great party!  So I will be heading downtown for the ACS DetermiNation Team Dinner tonight, but first I have to make it through the day of work.

I'm starting off pretty rough this morning.  Chemo was yesterday and morning seem to get more difficult each day.  A far cry from years of getting up at the crack of dawn to go to workout.  Now mornings are spent in bed until the last minute before I need to get things done.  I have been feeling pretty well the day after chemo, but today appears to be different. I'm tired and neuropathy seems to be setting in each day.  I experienced pretty bad neuropathy during my first battle and it seems to be coming on even stronger with this second fight.  

Chemotherapy often causes neuropathy in patients.  It usually starts in the hands and/or feet and creeps up the arms and legs. Sometimes it feels like a tingling or numbness. Other times, it’s more of a shooting and/or burning pain or sensitivity to temperature. It can include sharp, stabbing pain, and it can make it difficult to perform normal day-to-day tasks like buttoning a shirt, sorting coins in a purse, or walking. An estimated 30 to 40 percent of cancer patients treated with chemotherapy experience these symptoms, a condition called chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy (CIPN).  The Taxotere that I am taking is the primary cause of the neuropathy that I am experiencing.  I have high hopes that it will go away after treatment, but it may take sometime to get the sensation back and the pain out of my hands, arms, feet, and legs.  It is a discomfort that is hard to explain.  It makes walking painful, writing messy, typing full of mistakes, and my body tends to get stiff when I sit or stand too long.  The timing could not be worse this weekend!  I have the dinner tonight and a 5K walk for Making Strides Against Breast Cancer on Sunday.  C'mon body...I've got things to do!

My day is a typical day at work...conference calls, projects, etc.  I receive a delivery of Neupogen at my house.  It is great to get the shots delivered to my home.  My Dad has offered to give them to me for the next 14-20 days.  The package only has 7 days because that is all that my insurance will cover at a time and apparently the shits have a shelf life.  The plan is to get shots daily at 9AM.  Dad will stop by, give me my shot, then head off on his way.  Pretty simple, but I'm not sure that my arm is up for it.  I receive my first shot today and while I love my dad dearly, his shot giving skills have caused the most pain.  High hopes that it will only get better over the next many days.  The pain turns to smiles when I have a couple of cupcakes delivered to the door by Kelly Doyle Duewel from high school.  She was in town visiting her grandma and made a stop by my house.  I missed seeing her, but the cupcakes are delish!

After work I head to the city to enjoy the marathon team dinner.  I am meeting Kevin, Mark, and Christine Kickels.  Kev has been a good friend since college, Mark is his brother, and Christine is Mark's wife, but I am friends/family with all of them.  Many years of Kickels fun have been had by all.  I'm really excited that Christine decided to come to the DetermiNation Team Dinner.  She is running the marathon in my honor and raising funds for the American Cancer Society...she has already raised over $1800!!!  Amazing work for someone who chose to take on the challenge late and just started fundraising.  I really want her to have a solid understanding of what ACS does and the powerful messages that will be delivered tonight.  I want her to see the impact that she is making on the fight against this disease.

I arrive early to help the DNation team set up for the event.  I'm not a great help because I'm slow moving, but they are a part of my Work WE.  More importantly they are friends so I want to help to the best of my ability.  Big hugs from Michelle & Keri!  Ann is showing off my photo shoot pictures on her iPad...I feel like she is a proud Mom with the kids' school pictures.  Ted is running around setting up.  Elizabeth is making sure that the hotel staff are doing what is needed.  Bowles has colored his hair red.  This part of my work WE is so much fun and the volunteers are amazing.  

Kevin, Marko, and Christine arrive.  They grab cocktails, decorate Christine's ACS singlet, and then we head to our seats.  My friend/Work WE Anna joins us.  The room is freezing, but I'm excited for the night.  I have a few minutes to talk to Adrienne from ACS.  I need to thank her for helping me find Dr. Robinson and I need to wish her luck with her future endeavors.  She has chosen to leave the ACS as we go through national transformation.  She will truly be missed by the organization.  She is talented and well respected.  I'll miss her as a patient that needed help and she was there.  My table proceeds to take some pictures and chat.  I brought flowers for Christine and a basil plant for Anna.  She leads a sustainable lifestyle so I didn't want to get her cut flowers.  We then relax and wait for the presentations to begin and the high carb dinner to take place.

Keri, me, and Elizabeth.  We were told that he was just "testing the lighting" and not really taking pictures!
Well played, Mark.  Well played!

We are only drinking Dt. Coke.  All drinks were served in wine glasses.

Mark, Christine, me, and Kev.



Me & Christine!




After dinner there were some great speakers.  Ira is a cancer survivor and sadly lost his wife on many years to cancer.  He told about how dark life had become when he lost his wife, but he also told the amazing story of starting to run with his son and deciding to become a DetermiNation runner to raise funds for the ACS and the fight against a disease that has impacted his life so greatly.  A man who took a terrible life experience and made a positive out of it.  His son, daughter-in-law, and daughter were all in the crowd.  He runs for himself, he runs for his family, he runs for the love of his life that is no longer here, he runs for his daughter that has both the the BRCA genes that have the potential to cause cancer.  When he was done with his story the stage was taken by a young caregiver, mother, and wife....Lisa.  She appears to be younger than I am.  Her husband has cancer and is fighting for his life.  He's endured surgeries, rehab, and today was the first day that he walked a few steps without crutches.  She is running the marathon that has impacted her best friend, husband, father the her three boys, and every part of her life.  She's eloquent and amazing.  

I listened to both tell their stories with tears running down my face.  I'm not feeling great from chemo and my emotions are running especially high tonight.  Next up is Adrienne.  She speaks about the ACS, the importance of the funds that are being raised, how far we have come in the fight against cancer, and how amazing all of the people in the room are.  Then a Lindsey takes the stage with her guitar.  She is from the Old Town School of music and is a caregiver to her husband.  She sings/plays "Home" by Phillip Phillips.  She's powerful...the song is powerful.  One of those songs that has really hit me hard this battle with cancer.  The words just remind me that I'm not alone.  While she sings there is a slide show of pictures and quotes from runners that talk about why they are running the marathon and raising funds to fight cancer.  To be honest, I thought I needed to leave the room to cry, but I held on and stayed strong.  Tears flew down my face, but not the sobbing that I felt like doing.  

Awards were given, Michelle did a great job on stage, and then the night came to an end.  I was emotionally drained and exhausted at this point.  I gave Anna a hug and told her that her Dad would be by her side through the entire 26.2.  He lost his battle with cancer, but his memory will be alive and well with Anna as she runs in his honor.  Then I turned to Christine for a hug.  A hug that lasted a long time and we both cried.  It was powerful and I couldn't choke out the right words to thank her.   I cry as I type this because I can't put into words how thankful I am for her decision to run the marathon in my honor and to raise funds for the fight against this disease.  Christine was already registered and running the race.  She could have just as easily ran 26.2 like she has many times before.  Instead she has chosen to join the forces of the other 900+ marathon runners that are on the ACS DetermiNation Team.  She found her extraordinary...her reason is personal...she is AMAZING!  

Want to find your extraordinary?  Click on the links below and watch quick clips
 about the ACS DetermiNation program.


Cancer has become my marathon and so many have chosen to run it with me.  Tonight was another reminder that I am lucky.  I may have cancer, but it doesn't have me or the many people that I have in my corner!  The ride home from the city gave me time to continue to count my blessings, to reflect on my life, and realize that I'm exhausted and ready for rest.

Off to bed with a painkiller in hand.  Sleep well!

XOXO!

S

At the table beginning the night.

Kevin, Christine & Mark.

Me and Christine with our marathon bracelets!

Me & Anna Banana



The American Cancer Society DetermiNation program will help you do the unthinkable, achieve what seems impossible, and change the course of cancer forever. With access to professional training, an unparalleled community of support, and inspiration every step of the way, the American Cancer Society will help you finish a half-marathon, marathon, or triathlon. Your personal race victory will change your life, but the finish line will be just the beginning. Because your triumph also means a triumph over cancer - where every step you take and every mile you conquer will create a world with less cancer and more birthdays.  For more information visit http://www.cancer.org/involved/participate/determination/index

Five Down...One To Go! - October 4, 2012

"Eventually all the pieces fall into place.  Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason...."

October 4, 2012

Have you ever set yourself up to fail? Or decided that you are probably going to have a bad day even before that day arrives? I made the decision when I first received my chemo schedule and I noticed the date. I put it in my head that today would be a tough day. Probably not the smartest choice, but my decision nonetheless. I guess I can't really go back on that now. So, I started my day at 1 AM. I'm wide awake. Mostly because I'm sweaty from all the changes that are continuing to happen to my body because of chemo. I couldn't easily fall back asleep because today is an emotional day. Today should be my cancerversary. I should be celebrating 12 YEARS of being cancer free. I feel like I have been robbed of that celebration.

At approximately 11 AM on October 4, 2000 cancer officially entered my life. I was 29 and shocked to say the least. I went to St. Joe's and had a needle biopsy done by Dr. Marshall. The pathologist was in the room and immediately took the slides to be analyzed. My parents and I sat in a small hallway waiting to hear the results. To be honest I really think that day we had fooled ourselves into thinking that it was nothing. We were sitting and talking about where we would go to lunch. We decided on Heroes & Legends and talked about their burgers. A family hanging out and waiting for news that would be simple and life would quickly move on to lunch. Two parents who's biggest concern was that their daughter didn't go to church enough. Me who was on vacation and had spent the past few days getting my first mammogram, blood work, etc. The mood changed quickly when Dr. Marshall came into the hallway and said "let's go back into the room." I stood up and started walking in. She then said "Mom and Dad why don't you join us." My heart sank. I knew the news couldn't be good if she invited my parents in. I sat on the table, Mom on my left, Dad straight ahead of me and Dr. Marshall on my right. She said "it looks like cancer." I said "does it look like cancer or is it cancer?" She said "it's cancer." My response was "am I going to have to lose my hair?" She responded "you don't have to." My second question was "am I going to die?" She again responded "you don't have to." The truth was that it was too early in the diagnosis to have solid answers. I think the thing I remember most is looking at my Dad with a look on my face that said "fix this. you fix everything, so you can fix this." There's no "fixing this" My life forever changed on that beautiful fall day in 2000. I called Bryan on my way out of the hospital and then called Steph. I sat in the car and talked but was in complete shock. That night we had a planned dinner with all my girls. Eight of us at a round table in the middle of La Mex. We ate, laughed, enjoyed margaritas, and as the night came to an end I told the group that I had cancer. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. October 4, 2000 changed my carefree life forever. My parents' lives changed. My family and friends' lives changed.

For the past 11 years I have taken Oct. 4 off of work to spend the day reflecting on my journey and counting my blessings. Celebrating my life in my own way. It is always a mellow day, but a great day. It typically started with breakfast at Egg Harbor and then shopping at Von Maur. I know, I'm a creature of some habits! I'd always go on the look for something special that reminded me how far I have come, but only bought a few things over the years. A couple of cute pairs of shoes and my splurge of Prada sunglasses four years ago...I still wear them and I'm attached to them because of what they symbolize. Scratches and all, but they represent a milestone. The day has always been spent alone. Not that I didn't want others to share in my celebration, but because I needed to have a solid understanding of how life has changed. Cancer is the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.  


Don't forget to count your blessings!  We all have so many.



I started today in a funk and did a half-assed attempt to prepare for chemo and pull myself together for the day. Gina had dropped off a ring that says HOPE and gave me a card that said the following:

Sue -


Hope promotes belief in a positive outcome. While I had hoped we would be celebrating 12 years of being cancer free, we celebrate you and the strength, bravery and courage you exhibit and inspire in others. After today you will be more than half way through this part of the journey. I hope you know I am so proud of you. Love you,


Gina



Hope ring from Gina.


I also received a text from Kim that really hit me hard.

Kim - In 2024 we WILL get the chance to celebrate your 12 year anniversary. And it will be BIG!! Love, u, XOXO

Me - Thanks. Love you.


2010 - Celebrating 10 years of being cancer free with Kim.


Then a text from Stephanie:

Steph - Yippee!! 5th of 6 today!!! Can't believe it!! Ur my hero...Remember that!!! And more importantly how much I luv ya!!! XOXO (lips - lips - lips emoticons) The light is finally brighter at the end of the tunnel!!! (thumbs up - start - smilie face with hearts for eyes emoticons)

Me - I couldn't do it without you!

Steph - YOU r doing it all! I just have the honor of being a part of your life! Thank you for making me a better person. Take that cocktail like a shot today! Lets get on to the final one! That's MY big day that I've been waiting for! (thumbs up - goofy smilie face emoticons)


I need the economy to be fixed soon!!  

Light at the end of the tunnel


Tears ran down my face with all the messages. Some were tears of sadness that cancer is again in my life. More were tears of love for the amazing friends that I have. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to have these women care for me and love me like family. I may have cancer, but I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.

I picked up Mom and we did our pre-chemo stop at Whole Foods. I think they are getting used to seeing my bald melon in the store. Mom always starts with a sample of the juice that they have in the produce section. Then we head to the bakery and stock up. I'm afraid I don't have enough cupcakes to share so we buy a couple of boxes of pink ribbon mini cupcakes that they have on hand. I just want to make sure that all of the nurses, patients, and their families are offered cupcakes. Thursdays are busy at the treatment center. We then head to the center. I run into Judy in the waiting room. She and I have been on the same schedule since my first round. She has a big smile on her face and tells me she's been reading the blog...GULP!!! I worry that I have said something that may have offended her and that is the last thing that I would want to do. I have written that I worried that she was at the office and had to get treatment on her own. She assures me that she has never actually been alone. My assumptions were wrong. She laughs and does not appear to be upset with me. Huge relief!!! Note to self...Judy can have as many cupcakes as she wants today!! Note to Judy...you are a special lady!

The first person that I see in the office is Nurse Jacque (yes, I've been spelling her name wrong this entire blog! I knew is a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to change it). Jacque was having a "blueberry day" yesterday...her term, not mine. She even dressed in blue. I adore her even more because she has referenced Violet Beuregarde! Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was one of my favorites growing up! Old school...not the Johnny Depp one! So I decided to get her a blueberry muffin to make sure that she is not having a "blueberry day" today! She laughs. She then takes all my stats, realizes that I am gaining weight (UGH!!), and prepares me to meet with the doctor.

I then meet with Dr. Robinson. She says hello and then says "we have a decision to make". Not a great way to start a conversation. She's concerned about my blood counts and worried that they are just staying too low for me to continue to take the last two rounds of chemo. My heart sank. While four rounds are protocol we decided on six rounds at the beginning. The concern all along has been that my body won't be able to handle so many rounds. I explain that I can't understand why I am having a much harder time with this battle than the last. Dr. Robinson tells me that my body remembers all of the rounds and that technically it feels like my body has had 12 rounds at this point. Eight rounds in 2000/2001 and four rounds now. Makes sense to me, but it still doesn't solve our dilemma. The decision needs to be made. Do I continue round 5 and shoot for round 6, or do we decide that 4 rounds will be enough. I don't skip a beat on this decision. I WILL be doing 6 rounds of chemo and we need to figure out how to get my body to be strong enough to handle the last two. We continue the conversation and discuss the need of additional Neupogen shots. :( I just can't get away from all of the shots. I could take Neulasta tomorrow, but I have plans this weekend that I just don't want to ignore. Plus, I have had much better results on Neupogen. She is going to look at the data, discuss with some peers, and decide the quantity of shots that I will receive. I'll find out while getting chemo. We next discuss radiation. I'm not 100% sold on the need for radiation. I have done a ton of research and the data is not all adding up to me. Do I definitely need radiation after surgery or is it simply something that seemed needed in the past but does not have proven results? My body and mind have been through so much. Maybe five plus weeks of radiation are not needed. She is going to talk with the tumor board and see their thoughts. I look forward to hearing the answer. I will do ANYTHING to prevent cancer from returning in the future, but I want to make sure that what I do is actually adding to prevention. As she goes into the exam we have our continued conversation about the fact that I fear the cancer has gone to my bones because of the constant pain in my ribs. A fear that I just can't seem to get away from. A fear that causes me to regularly text Cindi to assure me that cancer is not spreading. She's married to a doctor, so she should know all the answers. :) We then decide that I will have the full array of scans in November. Post treatment, but pre-surgery. The pain should be coming from chemo and the shots, but they are also causing many sleepless nights. I look forward to seeing the results of the tests. I need to know that the drugs have done their job! I need to know that the last several months have been worth the journey.

Next stop..Round 5 of chemo. For someone who wasn't prepared today I have a lot of crap with me. It's like I "move in" to the infusion room each time I arrive. Thankfully, "my chair" is waiting for me!! Mom and I get settled. Then Chris arrives, Dad arrives, and Cindi arrives. My family WE is amazing. Cindi knows I'm anxious about this technically being my 12 year cancerversary, but she has chosen not to mention it. I love her for that! She knows me well and knows that today is tough. Cindi did not walk in empty handed. In fact she has a bunch of stuff for me:

Flowers - beautiful pink and white daisies! They are fantastic and have a PERFECT button on them.
Donuts - a DOZEN cherry cake donuts!  Yikes!
Card - "From your drinking WE!"  Kevin & Aaron

Too funny!  Love those boys!


This about sums it up!

Cherry cake donuts!


Then she had the centerpieces : )

VODKA!!! - Yes!  Somebody FINALLY got my "cocktail" right.  I've been asking for the IV to be filled with a dirty martini since my first round.  
Halloween decoration - a cute sign that says "Some of my best friends are...WITCHES!"  LOVE IT!


FINALLY!!!  My "cocktail" is correct!

So many gifts today at chemo.  They thought it was my birthday!


I was a little surprised to see my Dad at chemo today and he brought roses that will soon be planted in my yard.  I have the best gardener ever...my Dad!  Why I'm surprised he's here today is because he should be planting tulips.  For the past 11 years my Dad has planted tulips in my yard on October 4.  He has taken a day that changed our lives and acknowledges it with tulips each year.  Apparently he is already done planting the tulips!  I always look forward to seeing them in the Spring.  XOXO, Daddy!

We all sat around and talked.  One of Judy's friends that was staying with her for the Herceptin shot gave each of us a beautifully hand-pained silk scarf.  Mom passed out donuts and cupcakes.  And Dr. Robinson stops by to talk about the Neupogen shots.  She has decided that I will take 14 - 20 shots before my next chemo.  UGH.  That equals 14-20 days of pain for me.  I', not looking forward to it, but I need to get to the last treatment.  Lucky #6.  I hope.

Treatment went REALLY fast!  So fast that I was surprised when it was done and I didn't even get to send texts to the girls.  Steph was cranky that she did not get her "chemo update".  There was a pharmacist working on-site today, so the IVs did not have to be delivered to the infusion center.  This saved about 45 minutes of the day.  We pack up all the goodies and head to our cars.

Dad headed home.  Chris, Mom, Cindi and I went to Smashburger for lunch.  Much of the conversation revolved around my surgery and the many plans I have over the next couple of months.  We also talk about Christmas.  My surgery is on 12-12-12...they think it is lucky.  I think they are just saying they think its lucky.  Kind of like when you tell a bride its lucky to 
have rain on your wedding day because it is raining outside.  I'm not really buying it, but I laugh.  I have plans to go to a wedding on December 29...high hopes that I can make it.

We went our separate ways after lunch.  Chris went home, Cindi went to get Luke for a college night, and Mom and I went shopping for pink clothes to wear to Strides this weekend.  Then home to bed for me.

It has been a long day today.  What started off tough ended just fine.  I was able to count my many blessings today.  More than I often realize, probably more than I deserve.  But I appreciate each and everyone of them.  Chemo days tend to be my best days lately.  I feel good, I see people I love, and I eat great cupcakes!  Life is pretty good, cancer and all.

XOXO,

Sue


Kimmie's oldest, Jake got his braces off today!  So handsome and a fun text to get during chemo!









Delivering Happiness!!! - October 2 & 3, 2012

 "It's about the journey as much as the outcome."

October 2, 2012

My morning started with an email from an old friend. A pleasant surprise to my day and my journey. Our paths took us in different directions many years ago, but it is eerie to see how much they are intertwined in ways that we would least expect. Yesterday she heard about my current battle with breast cancer and decided to send me an email. She just read the blog and shared that she too was diagnosed with breast cancer three years ago, has had a bilateral mastectomy, and she is friends with the family that I spoke about in the Eric & Kathy Children's Memorial Telethon blog. Three of many things that we have in common. A simple email that sends good karma, energy, and prayers my way. An email that started my day with a smile and reminded me of all the great people in the world that have gone through difficult times and ended up on top.

The high of the email was quickly deflated when I went to the bathroom and thought about today's date. It's October 2. Twelve years ago today I called my ob gyn to tell him that I found a lump in my right breast. To my dismay I was quickly brushed off and told "Sue, you're 29. You're fine." I simply responded that I know something is wrong and I told them that I would see the janitor if he could tell me if it is a lump that I am feeling. I was offered an appointment months down the road. I hung up the phone and called my Mom crying. My gut told me that something was wrong, but I couldn't get a doctor to see me. I had to figure out another option, but I was too upset to work it all out in my mind. I could hardly spit out words when Mom answered the call. She has grown to know that something is wrong when I cal and can't really talk because I'm trying to hold back tears. It is a voice that I am sure a mother never wants to hear from her child regardless of their age. Mom worked at St. Joe's hospital at the time and decided to go to Dr. Marshall's secretary to get me an appointment. Mom worked in catering, but knows the doctors that have a good reputation and knows the people they work with. Dr. Marshall and her team saw me that afternoon. She was flying in from out of the country, but she would see me the next day if her nurse practitioner was concerned. I was quickly scheduled for additional tests the following day. My partnership with Dr. Marshall started that day. She naturally became my go-to person for all things breast. She also phoned my previous ob gyn and gave him a piece of her mind later in the week. I remember her telling me and I asked "what did he say?" She said that she really didn't give him a chance to say anything. The moral to the story...trust your gut, the knowledge you have of your body, and know when to push harder for results from your doctors. And if all else fails, call my Mom with the "voice" and she will quickly make things happen.

The date also brought up fun memories. Two years ago today my girlfriends and I attended the ACS Pink Ribbon Ball at Harrah's Casino. We celebrated my 10th year of being cancer free a few days early. It was a fantastic night of champagne, dancing, and strong women that have been by my side through everything. In my mind everyone in the room was there to celebrate my life. :) A celebration that meant the world to me, but today seems like a lifetime away.

2010 - Celebrating 10 years of being cancer free!!

2010 - Celebrating 10 years of being cancer free with my Daddy.
2012 - Celebrating 10 years of being cancer free with my Mom.
 WOW...what a difference 12 years can make. Today I am sore, tired, bald, and fighting cancer each day. Some days you reflect on life and think WTF?!?! All of these reflections take place before 7:30AM. Fortunately, that means that there is no place to go but up for the day. Plenty of time to perk up.

The rest of the day is spent working. The evening is spent with a quick trip to Kohls and then baking for a work fundraising lunch tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have early morning blood work and then will head to my Chicago office for meetings. Fingers crossed that my blood work is high enough to go to the office and then have chemo on Thursday.

Sleep well!

XOXO,

S

October 3, 2012

Up early to head to Homer to get my blood work to see where I stand for chemo tomorrow. I dressed for work with full make up and clothes that are not sweats. I think they are all in shock to see me looking half way decent for the day. I take my seat in the first station...yikes...I've never been seated here. I hope it is not a bad sign. Unfortunately, my blood work is pretty low, but not to the dangerous point. I like to look at it as low but manageable. At least that is what I convince myself of. So, I head to my Chicago office for the day. I could have called in for meetings, but we are having a luncheon fundraiser for Anna's upcoming FIRST marathon and there is no way that I will miss it! I'm armed with hand sanitizer and a face mask that I will probably never wear.

We have our meeting an then set up a spread of food for staff to enjoy for a donation to the fight against cancer. What is great about working for ACS is that the majority of the staff fundraise for the cause. We truly believe in our mission and "walk the talk"! Plus, who can't resist an inexpensive lunch downtown Chicago. The BEST part of the day was Anna sitting next to me with her blue mohawk. Fortunately, it is just a wig! She had considered a real blue mohawk if she reached a stretch fundraising goal. Anna is only a few short days of running her first marathon. The support for this sweet girl is fantastic. Anna is a shy, gentle soul...today she walked through the office with her mohawk and recruited people to attend the fundraiser. She looked adorable. The room was very warm, so I was bald much of the day. Most people don't seem to mind if I am bald at work. Anna and I even took a fun picture together...

Me and Anna at her fundraising luncheon.


After a long day at the office I headed towards home at met up with Eric for dinner. A quick and simple dinner to use up a Groupon that expires today. My last dinner to use! We just talked and didn't stay very long because we were both tired and I have chemo tomorrow. When I finally arrived home there were some fantastic gifts waiting. I still find it hard to receive gifts. It isn't that I don't appreciate them. I simply don't think that I deserve them. Nonetheless, I love each and every thing that I have received. People have put a lot of thought and effort in to every item. Tonight I had an amazing box of cupcakes from Crumbs in New York City sitting on my dining room table when I got home. Six cupcakes that are HUGE and beautiful. Actually the box alone is beautiful so opening it was very exciting. The box says "delivering happiness" and let me just say that there is truth in advertisement here! Thank you, Jennifer Buri Da Cunha (Jenny Pubenzt for all you Frannies out there)!! I appreciate your random act of cupcakes! I look forward to sharing them with everyone at treatment tomorrow. Then I have two boxes on my front steps. They are beautifully wrapped in white paper with a pink bow. Inside I find the Longaberger pink pie plate and pink measuring spoons. They are from the Horizon of Hope collection. A collection that has raised more than 15 million dollars for breast cancer research and education over the past 16 years. They were "pink" before pink was cool. These amazing gifts were courtesy of Michelle Pauly. I've known Michelle for a few years through Max's baseball teams and she is also a TMMA devotee. I had no idea that she also sells Longaberger. If you are in need of anything check out her website at www.longaberger.com/michellepauly. As for me, it is my favorite time of year for baking pies!!! I cannot wait to use the gifts to back pumpkin and pecan pies!! Or any other pie that I find on Pinterest and actually decide to make. :) Thank you, Michelle. I appreciate your kindness! I'll be sure to bake you and your family a pie or cupcakes when I get my taste buds back!

An overall CUPCAKE day!

Off to bed!

XOXO,

Sue


OMG...Crumbs NYC cupcakes!!!


Pink pie plate and spoons!  LOVE!!!