My Surgeries Have Caused Me to Have a GREAT Addiction - January 7 - 21, 2013

 "So, please, oh please. we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall." - Groucho Marx

I could probably payoff my medical bills if I sold all the drugs in my medicine basket.  Don't worry, I'm too chicken to do something like that.  I'm just trying to prove a point.  I have enough drugs in my house to cause a small addiction but my addiction has become TV, especially Netflix and Hulu.  When you are stuck at home, can't drive some days, have insomnia, and simply don't feel well, you have to pass the time.  Of course I could read some books but my attention span for reading is just not there but I have more than enough attention inside of me to watch a RIDICULOUS amount of television.  Let me give you a rundown of how I have passed the time...DO NOT JUDGE ME...I'm sickly and on meds.  ;)  I will list them in no particular order:

Dexter - That's right, I have fallen for a serial killer.  I mean he is just hot in his "murder outfit" and apron.  And who doesn't like a man that can handle his knives?  He only kills people that "deserve" it.  I have watched 6 seasons and often the seasons were finished in a day.  How did I not get in to this show sooner?  Thanks, Kevin McMaster and Kelly Perez for feeding my Dexter addiction!  Cannot wait for season 8 to start in June!  Keep that subscription to Showtime Kevin!  I'll bring dinner every Sunday! 

Weeds - I am seriously thinking about becoming a drug dealer to pay for my medical bills and shoe collection.  Who would suspect the bald chick?  Mary-Louise Parker is great in this show, even if she reminds of Lauren Graham and causes my mind some confusion.  I clearly did not realize that there were 102 episodes of the series before I started watching.  BUT...I'm not a quitter so I finished the entire series.  Good show that somewhat "jumped the shark" in the final seasons but it still made me laugh and kept me entertained.  Happily they were half hour episodes.

Friday Night Lights - OMG!!!  I love this show and it is a true crime that it is no longer on TV.  5 seasons was not enough of this gem.  I have heard Michelle, Chris and Keri (my Work WE) talk about the show for some time now.  Football, social dynamics, hot guys...need I say more?  Happily I can now join in on the conversations.  Coach Taylor, Tim Riggins, Julie, Matt, Tammi, Tyra, Lyla, Jason, Landry, Dillon Texas...come back!!!  I will be one of the first in line if they do make the film that is in the talks.  Texas FOREVER!  




Hoarders Buried Alive - Do you think your house is messy?  Do you not have the energy to clean?  Are you worried when people stop by?  May I suggest that you watch an episode about hoarders?!?!  The show is like watching a train wreck because it is hard to turn away.  I cannot even imagine how people live in such sad situations but the show has let me feel better about the not so tidy house of mine.  Who can clean when there is so much on TV??

Finding Bigfoot - I'm considering joining the IL BFRO - Bigfoot Field Research Organization.  http://www.bfro.net/   I think I could do just as good of a job as Bobo or Cliff!  I mean I really wouldn't want to go out and stay in the dark woods alone but I am sure we could negotiate!  The show is entertaining and has beautiful scenery.  Plus, you can't boohoo a show that has made it through 3 seasons and has yet to actually Find Bigfoot!
Guilty pleasure!  Bigfoot was big when I was a kid.  People talked about him, my Dad believes in him (don't ask), and The Six Million Dollar Man and Bionic Woman had Bigfoot on the show. Looking forward to season 4 and I am prepared!


Thanks KCP...it's perfect and pink!  ;)

Scandal - If you have not watched Scandal you MUST!!  How did I not know about this show sooner?  Politics, murder, scandal, craziness, love triangles...this is right up my alley!  I am completely against infidelity but I was Olivia to be with the married President.  And I truly wonder how much craziness goes on behind the scenes of Washington politics.  More importantly, who dresses Carrie Washington?!?! She is stunning.  




Downton Abby - Super high on my list of amazing TV!  My friend Mary has talked about the show.  But I never turn to Channel 11 all that often.  You can sometimes find a good episode of Nova but that is about it for me.  Downton Abby has brought PBS to the present with a show about the past.  I typically do not like period movies/TV but I absolutely love this series and couldn't stop watching.  I made sure that I was caught up for the January 6 premier of season 3.  I would probably be one to live downstairs and envy those upstairs.  :) I may consider giving a pledge to PBS because of this show.  Masterpiece Theater has outdone themselves.  Thankfully it is not on during the same season as Dexter...this would cause some stress!



Ink Master - As a girl who is afraid of commitment... you wouldn't think that I would watch a couple of seasons of a tattooing show.  I'm not sure where I found this or why I started watching.  I think it was a 2 AM fix that needed to be fed.  I must have ran out of options.  I will be getting my first tattoos next month, so maybe I am just curious!  

Tanked - There was a marathon one day and it was of Tanked.  A few East Coast guys living in Vegas and building amazing fish tanks.  The tanks are really cool but what gets me is the funds that people have to spend on these massive fish tanks.  They built a massive tank for a church in Texas...it cost over $4.7 million!  HUH?!?!  Where does a church get that kind of money and why the heck would they spend it on a fish tank??  I don't think that's what the Bible meant by "Be ye fishers of men."!!!  


Full Throttle Saloon -  DON'T ASK!!!!  One of the many shows on TV that remind me why reality TV can truly be a disaster!  I have to admit that I had a strong desire to hop on the back of a Harley with my chaps on and a bikini top... but let's face it that is not really my scene.  I don't think I'd make a good "biker bitch" and I look like I am actually wearing a helmet even though I am bald.  Boy do they all rake in the funds for a short period of time. 


Every Hallmark Channel Christmas show - Don't worry, I will not list these out.  Let's just say there are a LOT of Hallmark produced holiday movies with the likes of Tori Spelling, Joey Lawrence, James Brolin, Shelley Long, etc.  Apparently the stars of my youth have found success in low budget Christmas "love" stories filmed in Canada, eh!

Touch - Interesting concept that didn't play out well in my mind.  I gave it a full season plus.  Kiefer Southerland should have stuck with 24 because he is trying to play the same character in everything he does.  On the other hand, the little kid is a cutie.

Warehouse 13 - Some bad things can happen while searching Netflix at 3 AM...I hit the Sci-Fi section and Warehouse 13.  Mildly amusing, far-fetched show, that seems to do great on the Sci-Fi channel.  Easy to watch when you have no interest in thinking or while using pain killers.  

Shark Tank - LOVE me some Shark Tank and the ideas that people try to sell the billionaires.  Truly a fun concept in reality TV and it is great to see so many get their big break.  Also fun to see some of the wacky things that people come up with...who actually needs or would buy some of these ideas that people spent their life savings to invent???  But everyone could use a little Mark Cuban or Mr. Wonderful in their life!  


Many others that I am sure I have forgotten or I am too embarrassed to admit.  ;) I will not even try to count the number of hours that I lost with my crazy addiction (hmmmm...My Crazy Addiction should have been added to my list).  There were even a couple of movies dropped in here or there.  I may not be smarter for watching these shows but I kind-of accomplished things along the way.  It took a lot of stamina and commitment to watch that many episodes!  I need to get back to work soon...that will be my rehab...my Betty Ford!!

XOXO,

Sue







"She hurts and she cries but you can't see the depression in her eyes, because she just smiles..."

"Each time I look at a picture of myself, I can remember the happiness that I once had, but can't feel the person that I once was at the time."

Well, I started the blog and promised I would be honest to a fault. Not only honest to all that may read this but honest to myself. After finishing chemo I was doing pretty well emotionally, but after my bilateral mastectomy and second surgery I allowed myself to go to a darker place. Seclusion became a place of content. More time was spent in bed than out. Showering was a chore, cleaning was optional, I sometimes acted like I was sleeping when my parents stopped by, and I literally gave no thought to work (I'm on FMLA). When asked how I was feeling I would respond "tired" or "in pain". While I am usually tired and was in a good deal of pain, the reality was that I was fighting depression and these answers were easier to say. I'm not a stranger to depression as I have faced it before in my life. The hard part is that I truly thought that those times were far behind me.

Everyone knows that I am off treatment and I have the major surgery behind me. Most think that I should quickly bounce back to my old self. I should be jumping for joy that I am cancer free (as far as we can tell). Unfortunately, I don't know where to find my "old self". The strain of trying to stay optimistic and strong has taken its toll. How many of us take the time to realize what we have been through and just how much it has affected us? We are all fighting a battle of sorts but we don't often give the battle scars the time that they need to heal. Statistically it is not a surprise that depression jumped on the bus for this journey. It is estimated that 25%+ of women find that they are depressed during their first year of battling breast cancer. I find that particularly enlightening and oddly reassuring. Diagnosis is overwhelming; fear of death, surgery, chemo and radiation are all things that took their toll on my psyche. But it is the struggle to regain control of my life that has thrown me into an emotional tailspin. I did my best to find the strength to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was ok, but under it all I was feeling emotionally raw and distressed.

While I knew that depression was taking up residence in my head I allowed it to move in and I even provide furniture and a perfect view. Hours spent in bed WAY outweighed time out of it. I left for doctor appointments and a few other select things but I would crave the solitude of my home and bed when I was not there. I think all of my close friends and family saw it coming and they tried to address that situation but I kept telling them that I was ok, but "tired". I just don't even remember the last time that I was able to say "I feel great!" or "I'm doing well..."...ohhhh how I miss those days.

Depression is one of those areas that is not discussed enough during battles with cancer or it is discussed in a "there's something wrong with you tone." Perhaps it is because society fully expects one to pop the champagne and celebrate when progress in cancer treatment is made or even a clean bill of health is given. The ultimate expectation is that one will step right back into daily routines with vigor and appreciation for each day. For many, their minds and bodies are saying "NOT SO FAST!" I'd love to say that my cancer story will end when I am finished with treatment but in so many ways the journey will just begin. There is a post-treatment phase that will impact my daily life. That phase will last a lifetime.

My depression wasn't filled with crying or anything like that. Instead it was filled with the shades shut, comfy pillows, Netflix, Hulu, etc. I had set up my room to be a comfy retreat before I had my bilateral. Maybe I made it too comfortable. Maybe I already knew that I would be spending too much time in bed. Six weeks off of work was a lot for me. I rarely even take a full week off and now I find that work in the furthest thing from my mind. This workaholic had too much time on my hands. While I was in bed a ton I had very little sleep. My insomnia was at its highest. This could be because I was engrossed in watching so many shows on TV. I was addicted to finishing full series and often finished complete seasons in one day/night.

Sometimes my view of shows was interrupted by Henry!  


Off to change the channel!

XOXO,

S