48 Hours in Bed With Round 1...Apparently I Can Top That With Round 2! - August 3-6

"Stars can't shine without darkness."

It's the Friday after my second round of chemo. I'm feeling well, working, and it is a beautiful, hot day. I need to head to the Loyola Homer location to get my Neulasta shot. This is the day I dread most, so far. My body and Neulasta are not friends. I fear the pain that may potentially come the next few days. It is still strange to me that chemo did not really make me sick the last round, but the Neulasta shot is kicking my butt.

I drive to the doctor's office while on a conference call for work and I have the sunroof open trying to get a little color on my head. My warped mind thinks that I may look healthy with a tan head...not super tan, but a healthy color. I put sunblock on before I leave the house, but a little color might perk me up. I finished the call when I arrived in the parking lot. The office is pretty close to my home and the shot takes minutes to get. I hopped out of my car without my hat on and walk towards the front door. When I'm walking in a Mom and her kids are walking out. All of the kids looked directly at my bald head and the oldest kid said to his Mom, "Hey. That lady doesn't have any hair." The mom didn't say a word. I simply thought "Hey, Mom...your kid doesn't have any manners!" A part of me wishes I would have said something. The kid appeared to be in about 8th grade. Even if he was tall for his age, he is still old enough to know better. Trust me, I don't expect people to be comfortable with me being bald. I'm not 100% comfortable and I've been living with it. But, I would hope that his Mom had a conversation with him when they got in their car. A lot of people have cancer. A lot of people are bald. Society has made strides since my first battle, but clearly, we still have room for growth. I would consider going bald more often if I thought others would be ok with it. As my friends and fellow cancer survivors, Nancy & Barb say "bald is beautiful!" Not the beauty that most are looking for, but something that I will not escape anytime soon, so I may as well get used to it.

I brushed off the kid's comment and headed in for my shot. One of my nurses from yesterday's chemo is there with Nurse Patty. I feel badly that I can't remember her name. She was raving about the cupcakes and told me that the wife of the man who was getting chemo with me licked the paper because she didn't want to waste anything! Nurse Patty asked where her cupcakes were. I'll have to bring some the next time I am there. They pull the Neulasta shot and they are literally warming it with the body heat of their hands. Kind of strange, but I guess this is what they do. Nurse Patty is still talking about how much she likes my bald head. In fact, a patient's wife comes out of their cubbie to see what I look like. She liked it too. It is great to get a confidence boost a few minutes after the encounter with the kid who needs manners! The nurse also had a lot of questions about my "large group" that was at chemo. She wanted to know if I always have three people with me. I laughed and said that I have the potential to have more because there were 5 at my first round. They are both impressed with my entourage!

The rest of the afternoon is spent working. After work I ran some errands to prepare for the weekend that may potentially be spent in bed. Once back at home I made some food for a Saturday at the pool with Steph, Cindi & Kim. The plan is for me to float in the pool to relieve the pain in my joints and bones. Early to bed on a Friday night...yep, living the single life!  A box arrived in the mail today...I received my first Vermont Teddy Bear and jammies!  So darn cute!  I have heard commercials for years, but I have never seen one in person.  They do exist!  The card says that he has a lifetime guarantee. If anything happens to the bear it will be replaced.  And they mean anything...now that's a great health plan!  Thank you to my WE..Colleen, Toni, and Neda.  What a fun gift!

Saturday morning is here and the pain is starting to become bad.. I finish making quinoa salad, Brussels sprouts, strawberry rhubarb pie, etc. Then I get a text from my friend Jenny to stop by Have To Have to see their new stock of winter hats. Seems like a good idea so I pack up my stuff and head to Plainfield. The pain is getting worse by the minute, but it is still manageable. Jenny brings out a huge box of hats that they just got in...I'm getting first pick and I have a gift card in hand! I found a cute light blue hat, pay, give Jenny a big hug and head towards Cindi's. On my way I stop at Dominick's to get some Claritin D that is supposed to help with the discomfort. The pharmacist is nice. He noticed that I don't have hair under my hat and asks what I'm "battling". We talk a few minutes about cancer. Then he needed my id to get the medicine. I laughed and told him "Yesterday I was able to get a narcotic (percocet) with just giving my name, but I get carded for allergy meds. Seems pretty backwards!" Clearly, I'm not going home to make meth with 12 Claritin D pills!  Luckily I found my license because I don't think he would have let me have them.

Next stop, Cindi's. At this point, the pain is really settling in. I have a hard time getting everything out of the car and into her house, but I manage. The stairs at her house are the hardest part. There are not a ton of them, but my bones and joints are not liking the ones that are there. We quickly put things away and head to the pool to take the weight off my body. I grab a few noodles and start floating. It feels good to be in the pool, but the pain is still coming on quickly. The four of us are just floating, talking, and enjoying the peace of the day. I don't remember the last time we were all there without the kids.  When it comes time for lunch I realize that I need help out of the pool. Here I am 41 years old and I need Kim's arm to help me manage my body of out the water. At this point my frustration with my body and my cancer is getting high. We all sit in the shade for lunch and have fun talking about life and eating healthy food. When it is time to clean up the girls tell me to get back in the pool. I get in the pool and they clean. While I started floating, my tears started falling. It bugs me that they are all doing "my job". I'm the one who usually helps clean up and put things away. They continue to clean and I continue to watch my tears fall into the pool. It was probably a combination of pain, anxiety, and frustration. When Kim gets in the pool she sees that I am upset and puts her hand on my back to console me. We talk a little about things, but it all is still difficult to to digest.

The girls grab my purse from the car so I can try the percocet. I haven't had any yet and I am a little nervous about what it will do to me. I couldn't find the pills and thought I left them at home. Finally, they found them in a different bag in the car. At this point a storm is rolling in and we need to get out of the pool. We go inside to relax and wait for my painkiller to work. Once it starts helping a little bit I realize that there are no crazy side effects that appear to be happening. The storm rolled in and I loved every minute of it...thunder, lightening, strong winds, rain. All followed by sunshine. Hopefully that is what this battle with breast cancer will be...a bad storm with sunshine.

I cried most of the way home. Not sobbing, but tears of sadness that there will be no true "normal" for a while. I head home around 5 PM and get into bed. Bed is where I stay until Tuesday morning. The pain is worse with round 2 than it was with my first batch of chemo. I don't sleep much, but I get the chance to watch a lot of the Olympics. The majority of my pain the first 24 hours is below my chest and mostly in my butt and legs. I spend time cuddling with Frank and "his" iPad, responding to emails, and catching up on Facebook. I can't really move without pain.

The Olympics are amazing to me. I don't know if it is because my situation or because it is just one of the best years that I have ever seen. The crowds are cheering and going crazy as Jessica Enis crosses the finish line and wins the gold for Great Britain. It looks like she had the weight of her country on her shoulders and she won! These athletes give up years of their lives to train. They definitely do not have a "normal".  I wonder if they miss "normal" as much as I do.

I have little to no sleep Saturday night into Sunday morning. The pain has gotten worse by the minute and I am not able to find a comfortable position. I'm up early watching the marathon and I imagine my body feels a little like I ran 26.2 miles without ever training. The pain has now extended into my arms, shoulders, and neck. 

As I continue to watch the marathon I think about Christine Kickels who recently registered to run the Chicago Marathon for the American Cancer Society DetermiNation program. 
http://determination.acsevents.org/site/PageServer?pagename=DN_FY11_home
She is running in my honor. I'm in awe that she would do this for me. It takes a lot of fundraising to run the marathon and she is doing it for the fight against cancer and the American Cancer Society. I'd never have the ability to run for myself, but she will carry my name with her. Thank you, Christine! I'm honored that you chose me and I am thankful that you will be raising funds to fight this darn disease.  I will do my best to be at the finish line when you cross it!  Please consider supporting Christine and the American Cancer Society.  You can donate on her page http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/DetermiNation/DNFY11IL?px=29902728&pg=personal&fr_id=42914

People keep asking me what they can do for me...volunteer, donate, teach your kids the importance of volunteering, find your passion. It doesn't need to be my cause...it just needs to be something you are passionate about.

Mom and Dad stopped by a couple of times Sunday and Monday. Jenny Jones dropped off cherry cake donuts and a beautiful gift at my backdoor. Mom massaged my head, shoulders, feet, etc. at different times during the day. Frank doesn't leave my side.  Henry stops by to visit every so often.

I call in sick to work on Monday and continue my marathon days in bed. I am in bed, in pain from Saturday evening until Tuesday morning. The painkillers did not work very well.  Neulasta may need to be eliminated from my plan.

I feel like I'm living with a 95 year old man. I get a glimpse of him every time that I walk through the bathroom...there's a little bald person who cannot stand up straight and walks like everything hurts...oh wait...that's me.

XOXO,

S

The Vermont Teddy Bear...it comes with matching jammies for me!  So darn cute!

Me and Jenny at the Head Shaving 'Party".  Love you, JJ!

Frank cuddling with me!  

Frank trying to sleep and a few inches away from his iPad pillow.

Henry on my sock monkey pillow from Barb.  

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