It's My Head Shaving 'Party'...I'll Cry All Day If I Want To!!!! - July 25, 2012

"Always wear your invisible tiara!"

My insomnia was in FULL force last night.  I've suffered from it for years, but last night it was anxiety induced.  I couldn't get comfortable, my head hurt from the hair falling out, my mind won't turn off.  I know that today is the day where I have to accept one of the worst parts of chemotherapy, for me.  I remember the first time that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Dr. Marshall said "It looks like cancer".  I simple said does it look like cancer or is it cancer?"  She said "It's cancer".  My next question was "Will I lose my hair?" followed by "Am I going to die?"  Loosing my hair seemed scarier than losing my life.  That just seems messed up, but that was the first thing that came to my mind.  While it wasn't the first question I had with this second diagnosis of breast cancer, it has been a reality that I knew would happen.  I have asked a few times, I've done my research, and I knew that it would happen, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I started throwing around the idea of a head shaving 'party' early in the journey.  I blogged about it early.  But I still don't know if I can do it.  It is by no means a festive experience.  To call it a party just seems wrong, but I don't know what else to call it...I've never planned one before.  

I should probably give you a little history about why I am doing it this way this time around.  My first experience was traumatic and nothing short of terrible.  We tried to take it step by step.  Lora, my friend and hairdresser first cut bangs into my hair because my first wig (Chloe) had bangs. When my hair started to fall out we cut it short so I could wear my wig and people would not know that I was sick.  I worked in the public and tried to put on a strong face.  My hair started falling out and it was just a mess.  I stayed the night at BT's house and woke up to hair everywhere.  I knew it was time to get rid of it so I went in his bathroom and sobbed sitting on the toilet trying to decide what to do.  BT went to get food and came back to me crying hysterically and not knowing what to do.  He shaved my head for me.  We were not in a good place with our relationship, my trust in him had been destroyed, and here I was letting him shave my head.  I knew that I could not have a replay of a bad experience this time around.  I know that I need to be in control, but I don't know if I have the strength to go through with today.

My parents came over early in the morning to take my car to the shop for a couple of days.  I asked my Dad if he was coming to my 'party' and he said he couldn't because it would be too hard.  I can see it in his eyess, so I just say that's ok.  I've been having problems with it and today seemed like a good day to get things fixed.  I took the day off of work because I knew that it would be tough and I have a 'party' to cater.  When Mom returned to my house we headed off to get somethings done.  I wanted to go look for more hats, so we heading to the Charming Charlies at the Promenade and then we would stop to get additional groceries for the event.  My anxiety levels were as high as can be.  I couldn't focus, I've cried half the morning, and I am trying to simply hold myself together.  I was still looking for something to wear to the head shaving, but nothing jumped out and said "I look great on you when you are bald!".  Mom was moving along slowly and was not showing that she had caught on to the fact that I was barely holding on.  We walked to another store then heading to CC.  I wondered around the store in a fog, found a hat that I liked, stood at the register for a few minutes waiting, and then gave up on somebody coming because I had to get out of there.  I grabbed Mom and said we need to GO!  She still didn't see that I was melting.  We started walking back to Macy's and I said grab the shirt you want, I'll go to the bathroom and then we need to get out of here.  We walked in the door and she decided that she wanted to look at shoes...are you kidding me?!?!  PLEASE realize that I can't hold on much longer.  I said fine, but we need to go.  Meet me at the back door.  I went to the bathroom and cried.  Once I pulled myself together I grabbed Starbucks and headed to the door...she wan't there.  WHERE IS SHE???  I walked around the store and couldn't catch my breath...I headed to the door again because I was leaving with or without her.  She was finally there, but still not noticing my fear.  We went to the car and I said we are going to Meijer to get the last items that I need...we are going in quickly, grabbing things, and leaving because I can't handle the day.  I thought she understood.  We walked in quickly and I headed to where I needed to go...she was WAY behind me and had two things of pot roast in her hand...seriously, pot roast?!?!?  I was holding back the tears.  She finally caught up with me, we paid and went to the car.  I put the car in reverse and I broke down crying.  I just can't handle my reality of the day.  Mom asked if I wanted a Xanax.  I said that I had already taken a half.  She said she would drive.  As we walked around the car she said "I don't know how you're going to go tonight."  I simply said "Stop!"  One thing that I often say to Mom when she is going down a road that I am not ready to travel.  She drove home, I cried most of the way.

Upon arriving at my house we started getting the food ready.  Again, I have it stuck in my mind that if I am responsible for the 'party' I will have to show.  To be honest, I'm not sure how I am going to convince myself to show.  When I wrote the head shaving blog I asked for suggestions and received some cute ideas.  I have decided to go with a "bald/hair theme for food.  Melon balls (for my big melon), angel HAIR pasta with pesto, deviled eggs, chicken BREAST chunks, mozzarella balls with tomato and basil, cherry cake donut balls...and of course, red velvet cupcakes.  I haven't made cupcakes since I found out that I was sick.  Mom and I worked all day to get things ready.  I went to the other room and cried a few times.  I am emotionally and physically drained at this point.  And come to find out that I don't have the right flour for my cupcakes.  I didn't have the energy to run to the store, so I used what I had.  They won't be perfect, but people aren't coming for the food.  I sent a few text to the girls saying that I wasn't sure I could handle tonight because I couldn't stop crying.  My follow up text was that I knew they were all talking about me behind my back and texting..I know how we operate...so STOP.  ;) The responses were pretty funny. They all offered to tell everyone to stay home and we would just do it in private, but I said no.  Still at this point I was thinking that I could just drop off the food and leave.

I had a little bit of time to relax so I took a brief nap and Mom headed home to get ready for the 'party'.  I almost overslept...I set my alarm for AM instead of PM.  When I woke up I headed to the shower.  Here's a crazy thing.  My hair is falling out on my head, but I still have to shave my arms and legs...that's pretty screwed up.  I should get to lose the hair I don't want first!  I haven't done anything with my hair all day...I was trying to save it.  When I got out and tried combing my hair I had a giant rat's nest that I could not get through.  I tried putting conditioner in it, but I couldn't get it to budge.  I stood in my bathroom crying and trying to figure out what to do...do I stick it in a hat and go with it like this, do I call and say I'm not coming, do I just crawl back under the covers and call it a day?  I couldn't think straight.  I just kept trying conditioner...then it hit me...cut it off!  So I grabbed crappy scissors and chopped out the rat's nest...it was a combination of hair that had fallen out and hair that was still attached.  I would have never have gotten through it.  It may have been the best thing that happened...I had to accept it, but I was able to control it on my own.  I continued to cry, but knew I needed to get moving.  I grabbed a cute hat and realized that my hair was not straight.  I picked up the scissors to even it out and then thought..."you're shaving your head tonight...what are you dong??"  Lots of makeup to cover the dark circles and paint a happy face.  Packed the car with all my stuff and headed to Cindi and Jeff's.

Of course, it is over 100 degrees today.  The party had to be moved inside.  I was worried about bring too many people in to their home, but they were happy to help.  We set up all the food, put the drinks in the fridge, and then people started arriving.  I think Jim, Gina, and Emma were first.  Jim was in his FULL baseball uniform.  Like a high school uniform for a softball tournament tonight.  He brought laughter to my night...who dresses like that at his age.  It was fantastic!  Everyone started to arrive, we were eating, having cocktails, talking, laughing, etc.  All the right people were there.  Only a couple of folks couldn't make it.   Everyone served a purpose...they may not realize it, but I needed them more than ever tonight.  I needed them to hold me up and be my strength.  Lots of hugs...you huggers just might be on to something!  

One of the cool things about tonight is that Joy came to take professional pictures.  She had emailed me over the weekend and offed to photograph my journey.  I had considered emailing her, but thought that I would be asking too much.  Joy has taken pictures of my friends and their families for years...she is amazing and has a great eye.  I was nervous about exposing my self, but I am so glad that I did.  Joy respectfully followed my journey that night and showed me that there is beauty in what it happening. http://findingjoyphotography.com/  

I had a few breakdowns during the 'party'.  Tears in the bathroom.  Gina joined me first and said that I don't have to go through with it.  We could do it all in private or we could ask everyone to leave.  I pulled myself together and walked back in to the party...that lasted only a few minutes...back to the bathroom I went.  Gina and Steph joined this time.  Again, they offered to call the whole thing off...it just wasn't an option for me.  It has to be done...either I make the best of it or I do it like the first time and hate everything about it.  

We decided that it needed to happen now.  People kept asking "what do we do?"  Cindi just replied "I don't know...we've never done this before.  We were all just going through the motions. Kim's husband Bryan had offered to shave his head with me early on in the process and he was ready to go.  I'd say all kinds of nice things about Bryan here, but he sent me a nasty text the last time I said nice things about him in my blog...

Bryan - "Hey, don't go on your blog making me sound like a nice guy, I don't need that kind of reputation!  Next thing you know people will start trying to talk to me"

Me - Sorry. Love you!

Bryan - Just hoping to make you laugh.

He did make me laugh...he always makes me laugh!  Love that big, now bald, guy!

I had asked Lora to shave my head.  I feel badly because I know how hard it is for her to do.  And I heard she tried to back out today.  I saw the tears in her eyes and the fear in her face.  Somethings just hit too close to home.  I didn't want to pressure her, but I was terrified of handing clippers to my girls.  I love them dearly, but I was afraid of the blood they would draw.  I looked Lora in the eyes and said "you don't have to do this".  She continued to tear up and said that she would.  Thank you, Lora...I appreciate your strength and steady hand.  I appreciate the love that you have always shown me.  You're a tough cookie who gave me a great gift tonight.  And thank you for bringing the PERFECT leopard cape to catch my locks!

So, Bryan was ready to go.  Cindi put a cute chair in the yard, Lora set-up the clippers, and Sue B pulled out the Dom...yes, Dom Perignon.  I've never had Dom...the boxes are amazing and I am nervous about that fact that we have something so expensive to use.  I asked if we should wait until I am cancer free...Sue simply stated that we would get more.  Kevin opened the first bottle...he lost a few sips in the sink...wait, you're a professional with cocktails...how did you just spill Dom?  Sue asked Gina to open the bottle...WHAT?!?!?  Has Gina ever opened a bottle?  I was too nervous to open it, but Gina spilled some on the floor...lick it up...it's Dom!!  I had to laugh.  My family doesn't drink...I know, you are all thinking that I must be adopted!  My sister poured a glass of Michelle's pink lemonade, drank half and then said is there alcohol in this???  Of course!!!  Michelle Bell brought it!  Then a few minutes later Chris had a glass of Dom in her hand and looked at me and said "I'm drinking shampoo for you".  We all laughed...it's CHAMPAGNE..some of the best there is don't waste it and definitely don't call it shampoo!

We headed outside without a plan.  Really, how do you have a plan for something that you have never done before???  Bryan went first.  Lora pulled out a St. Baldrick's cape...hey, I work for ACS, we can't advertise for Baldrick's!  Ann would kill me!  :)  So, we made Bryan wear the leopard print cape.  It was funny and fantastic.  I jokingly grabbed the clippers and started to shave his head...it was very empowering to do.  We all laughed and the mood was lighted.  I did a pretty good job getting the hair off his melon and even trimmed the hair in his ears.  Ok, Bryan is done..who's next???  CRAP...that's me.  I kissed Bryan's bald head and got a mouth full of hair that I couldn't get out.  It was 100 degrees and we were all sweaty.

Everyone was gathered around.  I took a few deep breathes and a few gulps of Dom (liquid courage), I tried to say a couple of words to thank everyone for being there and for joining my journey, I see the tears in my Mom's eyes and Jeff's eyes, I take my place in the chair, removed my hat to expose what was left of my hair...my girls then took their places.  Steph sat on the ground to my left and held my hand, Gina to my right, Cindi to my right, Kim & Bryan to my right, some standing closely, others taking pictures, Bundy taking video, Lora with the clippers...WAIT...Bryan has the clippers.  Pay back is happening and he starts shaving my head.  I was nervous and afraid that he was going to gouge my head.  He was gentle and then he handed the clippers to Lora.  I cried, I laughed, I looked at the amazing friends that I have supporting me and I am overwhelmed.  How did I get so lucky for all of them to be a part of my life and drop everything to support me on this dark day?  Just as I am about to breakdown Becky arrived...on the top balcony saying "where's the party?"!  I needed that and the mood was immediately lighted.  Lora completed my new hairless look.  To be honest, it felt really good...it's 100 degrees out and I may be the coolest one in the yard.  They brought a cold rag to wipe my bald head and it felt amazing.  We all took pictures, drank some champagne, and then I headed in to get Zara.  I put her on quickly and she looked beautiful...I looked beautiful.  Maybe this bald thing isn't going to be so bad...or maybe the "liquid courage" is thinking for me.  Joy took some pictures and we all joked around.  They even pulled out a pole for Zara to take "center stage"...of course, "Stella"...Gina had to give me pointers!  We took some Spiritline pictures and other great shots along the way. We then headed in to get out of the heat, eat, chat and continue the night.  On my blog someone had suggested that we get the bald caps from the Halloween department and I was able to find one.  So most of us took picture of me with my bald head and them in the cap.  I hope I didn't upset anyone with it, but I was simply trying to make the best of a shitty situation.

The night went on for a long time!  We laughed and talked, Kevin ate all of the deviled eggs, Jeff had a tough time with his emotions, I sat bald and felt as strong as I have felt in a month.  My WE is amazing and I am fortunate to have great people in my life. I cannot thank you all enough for you continued support, laughs and love.  I couldn't do it without each of you and your strength.  Before the night was over we Joy had posted the photos at the top of my blog to Facebook.  That made everything come together and allowed me to see that there was great beauty in the night.  The first picture is me in Zara, the second are my beloved red velvet cupcakes, and the third picture is Stephanie holding my hand as my head was being shaved.

THANK YOU...Cindi, Jeff, Steph, Kim, Bryan, Gina, Jim, Emma, Missi, Chris, Michelle, Becky (Rebecca), Rebekah (Bekah), Jenny, Rayna, Lora, Sue B., Kevin, Mom, Chris, and Joy.  You all are special to me.  You each brought something to the night.  

Cindi & Jeff, Steph, Kim & Bry, Gina & Jim & Emma, Missi & Chris - My families that picked me

Michelle - You have one of the BEST laughs that I have ever heard.  Thank you for bringing it tonight!!

Becky (Rebecca) - Thank you for arriving just when I needed you.  You make me laugh nonstop and I will never get used to calling you Rebecca...you just can't change your first name after college :)

Rebekah (Bekah) - You are a Spartan and a true rock!  No mushy stuff for you!

Jenny - nobody makes me laugh like you and your raunchy humor!! ;)  We grew up together, but I didn't get to know you like this until a few years ago...you are hilarious, kind and beautiful.

Rayna - You truly are a gentle soul with an amazing spirit.  Thank you for bringing calmness to the night and to my life.

Lora - Your strength tonight inspired me!  Keep the chair warm for when I need my first new haircut.

Sue - Your inner spirit and prayers are amazing.  I wish I had your faith and you have inspired me to work on mine.

Big Red - My wedding date, my dance partner, my dear friend since college.

Mom - You have shown such strength though all of this.  I am so very proud of you.

Chris - Thank you for coming and being a major part of this journey.  Thanks for drinking "shampoo" for me

Joy - thank you for capturing the moments and for allowing me to see that I can be beautiful.  I needed that more than you will ever know!

I went home and cried tonight.  Not because I'm afraid of my cancer, not because I lost my hair, but because I am blessed to have the amazing support that I have.  People who took time away from their families for me and helped me stand up and be proud on a day that I just wanted to forget was going to happen. I could never thank everyone for the gift of unconditional love that you have given me.

Maybe, just maybe...it is just hair.

XOXO!!!!!

S

Bry shaving my head

Liquid courage and Lora shaving my head.  http://findingjoyphotography.com/

More liquid courage, please!

Almost done...who gave Steph the clippers???  http://findingjoyphotography.com/

Some of my WE!  http://findingjoyphotography.com/

Two bald melons...

Bryan wearing his mullet...business in the front, party in the back!

Spiritline!  Clearly, I need a tan.  And it looks like our coach still has it...nice pose Cindi!

First picture in Zara

Jeff kissing my bald head

First picture I saw that Joy took with me and Zara  http://findingjoyphotography.com/

My blog topper!!  Thank you, Joy!!! XOXO  http://findingjoyphotography.com/

Me and Cindi

Me, Zara, and a cupcake!  http://findingjoyphotography.com/

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.