Explaining My Blog...I Just Can't Repeat the Same Journey Twice

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." - Heraclitus


Hey everyone.  I've been thinking so much about the journey lately and the blog.  I think I need to put a few things out there as you all continue to join me down this road...no judging and no need to comment. :)


This is 110% my journey.  I own it.  I'm living it.  I'm trying t navigate the best that I can.  Please don't compare this journey to your's and know that I never compare my road to others.  We all have battles that we are facing in life...someone my have a rough marriage, a child with special needs, a health condition, the stress of being a caregiver, the struggle to conceive, the loss of a child, a job they can't stand...the battles are endless in life.  Now, this happens to be the one that I am living and I'm trying to do the best that I can.   


I think I should give you a little history about me.  I don't trust easily, I don't let people into my life easily, I keep up walls, etc.  I'll move mountains for those I love, I'm faithful to a fault, my friends and family are everything to me.  I was a walking disaster through my first battle with cancer.  I was emotional, exhausted, depressed the majority of the time, I was in a bad relationship, I worked too much to prove myself, I cried daily, I took too many pain killers, too many sleeping pills, drank to mask the pain, tried to be normal, but I couldn't.  I pushed people away and got lost in the darkness of my depression and my disease.  If you were a part of my battle and knew me well at the time...you can attest to this.  I am no braver or stronger now...I am no braver or stronger than anyone else. 


I only have two choices with this battle...take it or let it take me.  You ALL are just as brave!  I'm in awe of my family and friends that stand by my side, deal with me on good and bad days, and love me unconditionally...it's not an easy job.   I've always said that cancer was the best and the worst thing that happened to me because I found how to appreciate how amazing my friends and family were/are at a young age.


I've had several people send me notes and say they wish they knew me better and I take full ownership in that.  I always say that I'm an open-book, but I have been far from that to most.  I keep my life private and my close friendships near to my heart.  I try to make people laugh, say hello to everyone, smile, and then I will show you a little of what is behind the curtain, but not too much.  I had people walk away during my first battle, so I am cautious with all that enter my life and I have spent 12 years guarding my heart.


Some people think I'm bitchy at work, I pay too much attention to the money we raise, I'm obsessed with details of an event, I'm competitive, and hard to please.  You're right, in some ways!  We are in the business of saving lives...I take that seriously and work many hours a day to make my mark on a disease that has taken my loved ones, impacted my grandparents, impacted my parents, impacted my friends, and has now touched my body twice!  It's hard for me to be all warm and fuzzy when I'm fighting a disease that just pisses me off.  I know that's how many people are and I'm softening up, but I'll always have a lot of me in the fight!  Work is emotional for me, so I don't ask a lot of personal questions of people because you'll see me cry.  I was 'raised' in the casino industry...there's no crying there!


So, you're probably wondering "why the heck are you blogging"?  It was 200% selfish when I started the blog.  I thought that it would help me to write it all down and it would keep people from asking too many questions...instant therapy.  Blogging would make it easier on ME!  Instead, I have found that it is helping me and potentially helping others.  You've been laughing with me and crying with me.  You've sent gifts (completely unnecessary), cards, emails, texts, flowers, prayers, offers to help, offers for your husbands to help, etc.  You've let me share my struggles and laughs.  You've joined my WE in your own way.  The blog has given me the opportunity to open myself up to the people that have taken time to read the entries.  I've had over 6000 hits...I don't know if that's good or bad, but I hope I'm helping  someone along the way.  Maybe you've been nicer to someone who is struggling with life, maybe you've gained a new reason to fight cancer each day (we are always looking for great volunteers or fundraisers for ACS), maybe you've gotten your mammogram, maybe you've made a doctor's appointment, maybe you've taken a few extra minutes to relax and enjoy your day...maybe you've discovered cherry cake donuts at Home Cut in Joliet, or maybe you've shared this blog with someone who needs it.


I've stepped in the river twice now, I'm not the same person I was the last time around, and I am going to be in control of this disease.  I can't make any promises about how I will feel, but I'm going to try to stay positive when I can, cry when I need to, and be honest to a fault.  Nothing I write is directed at one person.  It's just me throwing my life on some pages for all to see.  I can't talk about it very much, but I have found that I can write about.  


Thank you for your support!  Thank you for sharing this little blog with your family and friends.  I'll try to respond to emails and texts...I promise I read everything.  I owe so many people thank you cards, responses to calls and emails.  Some days I'm just trying to keep a bit of "normal", some days I'm just to exhausted, and some days I just don't know what to say. 


I appreciate you!!  I know I'm going to be ok...there's not one bit of me that doesn't think I'll be ok.  I've got a lot of people on my side!  THANK YOU!


XOXO,


Sue

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.