The Sixth Time is a Charm...I Hope! - October 25, 2012

"She is clothed in strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come."  - Proverbs 31.25 (and written in chalk on my patio when I arrived home)

Lucky #6. Ever since I was a little girl I considered 6 to be my "lucky number". There's no real science to the decision. I was born on the 6th of the month. So if I had to pick a number between one and ten...I'd pick 6. If I could pick the number on the back of a jersey I would pick 6. If I played the Lottery 6 would be in my picks. Well, here I am with my 6th round of chemo! This better be my "lucky number"! My body and my mind can't take much more. So 6 it is!

I didn't sleep much last night. Probably just as much the steroids as the anticipation. I've been counting down the days. Everything has been done to keep me on track for making the last round of chemo and getting into surgery in December. I've taken extra shots, avoided germs, used more handy wipes than the average two year old, rested, rested, rested...even told some white lies of "I'm feeling great" or "no, I haven't had a fever" along the way so that I didn't set off too many alarms that would cause set backs.

I opened the emotional day with a post on Facebook.

" Good morning! It is hard to believe that my journey has taken me to this day…the day that I will receive my last round chemo. In my heart I think it will be the last in my lifetime, but in my mind I feel that it will simply be a break in ...

a poison that will someday enter my body again down a long road and hopefully years from now. I did not sleep last night because I’m nervous about the day, but more importantly my rest did not come easily because I was counting my blessings and thinking about so many of you. I never realized the impact that would be made by sharing my journey through the blog and through social media. I am honored and humbled that you read, cry, and laugh with me. Friends from near and far took the time to write hundreds of emails, “like” posts and pictures, and send kind, thoughtful cards and gifts. Many that included prayers, positive words, and encouragement. What started as a way to take some weight off my shoulders grew into a process that filled my heart to the brim and continues to do so daily. You all have helped keep my spirits up and my smile bright. You gave me faith in a world that often moves too quickly and forgets what is important in life. No matter where our journeys take us, not matter the hand that we are dealt, there are kind people everywhere that will help carry us along the path.

I’m anxious about today. I know that it will be filled with emotions, it will be filled with my amazing family and some close friends in person…it will also be filled with thoughts of each of you. Many have said “stay strong”, “you’re so brave”, “thinking about you today”…PLEASE never underestimate the power of your words that encourage me. I don’t know where to start with saying “thank you”, but I do know that you have made this journey easier for me and my family. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Today is just the end of chapter one and there are still months of figuring all this stuff out, surgeries to be had, and weeks of recovery. Please keep the prayers and thoughts coming. And do me a few favors along the way…tell people you love them daily, give big, meaningful hugs, share your life with others…three things that I was not good at doing, but three things that you have all taught me so well. Be gentle with others because you never know the battles that they may be fighting. And be good to YOU!

Thank you for being a part of my WE. Please continue to read the blog and share it with anyone that you think it may help.

Love, hugs, and cupcakes!!! That’s right…today is going to be a CUPCAKE kind of day!
Take time to enjoy today…I certainly will!

XOXO!!!"

My phone keeps going off all morning and continues most of the day...hundreds of texts, emails, and Facebook posts wishing me well for the last round. These same people who have offered me words of encouragement, pep talks, prayers, and laughs over the past four months. All of you who I don't regret sharing my journey with...

I had an email from Mom when I woke up:

"Hey, I found a pink toaster at Target, we will stop and look at it tomorrow. (Last chemo present). love you"

I responded:

"Wow...doesn't everyone want a toaster for their last chemo present?!?!? Is that like silver for a 50th wedding anniversary?? Is there protocol for this?

My next email is:

"Let's skip the toaster and save up the money for the camera that I want!" I think my parents are getting tired of hearing about the camera that I dream about, but you can't blame a girl from trying!

Today will be the last day that I pack up my car, head to my Mom's house, stop by Whole Foods, and then walk into chemo...well, at least that is my plan. Trust me, you don't want to be the person that gives me the news that a plan is not going to work. I schedule things out in advanced, I get my mind set, and I prepare for execution of details...don't mess with my plans! The morning is filled with emotions and a few tears. Maybe because I'm tired, but also because I'm ready for this chapter to end.

What to wear?? I've gone with chemo comfy for the past few months. I had my "chemo pants" from LuLu Lemon via Bill and Suzanne (most comfy) and then I moved to regular Walmart sweats when it was too cold for capris. Today I decided on my hot pink skinny jeans! That's right...adding a little sass to my final trip to Wheaton. (OK, not really final because I'll have doctor appointments there, but final in regards to chemo). I considered adding on some heels, but my neuropathy would have nothing to do with that. Skinny jeans, a cute pink scarf, and a black top are about as fancy as I can get these days. And let's face it, I've gained 15 lbs over the past few months...skinny jeans should probably not be in my wardrobe, on my body, or in my closet...BUT they are stretchy!

Mom is ready and we make our final trip with the same routine that we have created over the past months. Crumbs Cupcakes (from Kelly & Kristin), soft pretzels at Whole Foods, bakery for Mom, a pink sock monkey (he's new from Cyndi), gifts from Bonita, Home Cut Donuts!, etc. There is something about a routine with cancer that makes me feel like I have things under control. If I am doing my routine then I am fighting the disease. This same control issue will start to cause challenges tomorrow when I stop a routine and basically stop doing anything tangible to fight the disease...I'll touch on that at another time.

We went through the basics when we arrived. Temperature, weight (UGH!), blood pressure, etc. Then I waited for Doctor Robinson to come in. She is excited as I am. Actually, it seemed like all of the staff were excited for me...or they realized that I brought a lot of food! I think it may be a combination of both because I met a few new faces today! Dr. Robinson and I went through our usual conversation, I asked a ton of questions, she gave answers... Then as I moved to the table for the physical exam I mentioned that the I'd feel so much better if the neuropathy would stop. THE BREAKS CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT!!! Dr. Robinson stated "You can't get chemo if the neuropathy is this bad. It may cause permanent damage." I'm sure she saw my jaw hit the floor. HUH?!?! When was that ever mentioned? That throws a wrench in my plan! Not getting the last round...lucky #6 is NOT an option! Damn it...why did I open my big mouth? Why didn't I simply say "I feel fantastic" and move on?

Here goes everything! I now need to work my magic and use the negotiation skills that NHO Procurement taught me...(shout out to Steve, Ian, and Michelle!). There is no way that I am not getting this last round of chemo. I've convinced myself that it is necessary for me to live. I've negotiated with myself over the past 3 weeks that have kicked my ass. Round 6 is ON! Plus, Stephanie would be more disappointed than me because this is her day to come to chemo! Dr. Robinson and I had a long conversation, talked about statistics, talked about risks, talked about my body. Options were weighed and in the end Round 6 is a GO! Finally, she did the physical exam of my breast and lymph nodes. She is unable to feel any noticeable amounts of cancer. That's right...it appears to be working! Going through hell again has been worth it. BUT I still need to see it in writing. I need scans to have peace of mind. We then discussed the scans that we feel are needed...bone scan, CT scan and breast MRI. Simple tests that I will schedule today and hopefully have the opportunity to complete soon.

When we go into the cancer center I am happy to see that "my chair" is open...the routine is continuing. I have my space, Judy is there for her Herceptin, and my friends and family start arriving. I have my largest entourage to date. It feels like I am hosting a party! Food, water, pictures, presents. I had explained to my family/friend that we needed to be cautious with our celebrations. The reality is that I am a lucky one today...but others are no place close to the end of their journey and some will have journeys that do not end on a positive note. I don't want to upset anyone when they are fighting this damn disease!

Much of the day can be told best with pictures...after all a picture says a thousand words...

My family...my everything!

Me and Steph..."bitch stole my look" and holds a big piece of my heart!  I'm happy she didn't show up in the pink skinny jeans...cause I would have looked extra chunky!  We've been through the good, the bad, and the ugly together...I'd take away some of the pain along the way, but I wouldn't change our friendship.

Me and Dr. Robinson...isn't she cute and tiny!!  She actually ate a full cupcake today! 
I'm not sure where she put it, but she loved it!

Me and Jenn Heart.  He blood counts are low and she shouldn't have been out and about,
but she came to by last round of chemo to help us celebrate! 
Please keep Jenn in your thoughts and prayers as she continues on with chemo.

Me and Gina...one of the funniest people I know that also holds a huge piece of my heart. 
We have been through so much together.  I'm a lucky girl!  ;)

Me and Christine!!  She came over during her lunch hour at work.  Not sure how she is walking after the marathon a few weeks ago.  One of the many people that I simply do not know how to thank enough!

Cute cupcake stuff made by Curly Girl from my sister!  Love them and LOVE her!

Me and Judy!  She had first pick of any cupcake she wanted!  She picked a good one!

Me and a cute little sock monkey from Cyndi Roark!  She is so creative!

I've said it once and I'll say it a million times...I have wonderful people in my life. Many by text, others on Facebook, some by email, some I may never actually meet, and great ones in person!! We celebrated today! We laughed, cried, hung out, ate too much, and enjoyed each other's company. Chemo is behind me, but on the days of chemo I felt more love than ever. I was surrounded by my family and my closest friends. One Thursday and five Wednesdays, since the beginning of July, have been spent getting poison into my body, impacting my mind, slowing me down, making me ill, and fighting a disease. BUT those same days were spent understanding the true impact of love in my life. I have always said that cancer was the best and worst thing that happened to me. Life may never give me answers to why it has happened twice, but my diagnosis with cancer has given me so many answers over the years. I'm still rough around the edges. I still don't let a lot of people get too close to me. I still guard my heart like it is Stateville. I'm still growing and learning each day. I can't say that I think there will be an end to this journey. Surgery is scheduled for 12-12-12, radiation may still happen, healing and getting my life back to "normal" will take time...and the lessons learned will continue to appear in years to come, my relationships will get stronger, and more challenges will be dealt. When it comes down to things in life it all comes down to how we react to what hand you are dealt. Some days I think I'm playing poker and the rest of the world is playing Go Fish. Life doesn't go as planned. Curve balls are thrown but if you have the right people on your team you can face anything head on! I'll never question the people on my team.

Bed came early tonight. A storm rolled in quickly, thunder, lightening, and heavy rain...looking back it was a prelude to my coming hours and days...

XOXO,

Sue

Balloons from Stephanie to celebrate the end of chemo at Fiamme Pizzeria Naperville.. http://www.fiammepizza.com/home/

Most of my ROCKS during my two battles with breast cancer!  Gina, Kimmie, Me, Steph, Mom, and Chris. 
Not sure what I would do without these ladies!  Happy that Kimmie was able to join us for a late lunch! 

Me and Rebekah (Bekah) at her restaurant in Naperville.  She was an amazing host and she had me crying for this picture.

OMG..celebration desserts!   I think I ate most of the one on the left!  AHHHHMMMMAAAZZZING!!  http://www.fiammepizza.com/home/

Bekah making up for making me cry!!

How cool is this!!!  We made it home shortly before it started storming and my back patio had been decorated.  Thank you, Kris Wruk Walker & Jennifer Kirkpatrick!  You are both great talents and amazing people!  I cried when I saw what you had done.  We pulled out a ladder to take pictures and I sent a text to some friends to come see your work of art.  The rain came and washed it away before Steph and the boys were able to pull in the driveway, but the rain did not wash away the gratitude that I feel for your hard work!  ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!  XOXO.  Missing my TMMA WE!

View from the top of the ladder.  Dad did not like how high I was going.  :)

LOVE THIS!!!  And LOVE you girls!

There are SO MANY things that cancer CANNOT DO!!  Thank you for the reminder!

Most of the flowers that I received over the past two days!  WOW...I had a vase or two in every room. 
Thank you all!  VERY thoughtful!

Bridget Wisz and her son stopped by with the beautiful cookies!  Too cute to eat, but it didn't stop me!!!  WOW! 
More love from my TMMA WE!!!

A closer look at the beautiful cookies!  Another talented person baking up smiles!  The detail was incredible!

My FAVORITE picture during this journey.  Meet Caelyn!  Could she be any cuter????  Um..NO!!  She's the daughter of Robyn Ward Curbis from my St. Francis Academy Days.  I'm not sure if it's her affinity to cupcakes that I love so much or the fact that we are sporting the same hairdo!  She watched me on Windy City Live...I'm sure she now has a crush on Ryan too!  Caelyn, do they make Carter's in big girl sizes?  You and you Mom make me smile!  XOXO

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