Did you feel it change?

"Did you feel it change?  I mean how many moments in life can you point to and say 'that's when it all changed'? - One Tree Hill

OK, I've never even watched the show, but the quote seems so appropriate at this time in my life.  You see, I can point to a few moments and say "that's when it changed".  Once was on October 4, 2000...it was a beautiful Fall day.  Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  A few days earlier I felt a lump in my right breast and I knew in my gut that something was wrong.  Sure enough, I was right and I began my battle with breast cancer.  Well, as luck would have it, I have another moment to point to and say 'that's when it all changed".  In late May of this year I noticed some changes in my left breast.  I had thought it was from being sore from kickboxing or from doing too many push-ups (OK, that would be a stretch because I very rarely have the ability to do too many push-ups).  I also noticed that I was pretty much exhausted most of the time.  Again, I blamed that on working too many hours and not sleeping enough.  It got to the point that my breast hurt when doing jumping jacks, jumping rope, release push-ups, sleeping, etc.  Along with the pain, it was swollen and getting larger by the day.  So, I called for an appointment to see my doctor.  They offered August and I pushed for immediately.  They were able to "squeeze" me in on Friday, June 22, 2012.  As quickly as she felt my breast she started mentioning my breast surgeon, immediate mammogram, and ultrasound....tears filled my eyes and I could hardly catch my breath.  I knew it wasn't good. The day quickly became filled with work and a 2 PM mammogram immediately followed by a ultrasound that seemed to last FOREVER.  The mammogram was done by the tech that did it at the time of my first diagnosis...then my ultrasound was done by the same woman from my first diagnosis...in my mind, my fate was sealed.  As I waited for the ultrasound tech to consult with the radiologist I was surprised to see the doctor walk into the room to speak with me.  As I leaned on the counter he told me that it appears to be inflammatory breast cancer.  This was one of those times that I wish I was not as educated about cancer as I am.  This was one of those times that I wished I didn't have to walk down the hallway of a hospital to look my Mom in the eyes and tell her that I have cancer, AGAIN.  I just cried and said "it's back". 


The weekend was filled with telling my closest friends/family, blood work, a CT scan, and a MRI.  And, did I mention that it was also the Relay For Life of Joliet...yes, I have cancer again, I'm not prepared to tell anyone, but I have to put on a smile and join in on the "festivities".  I haven't missed a Relay since I was first invited while in treatment in 2001, and Relay is a huge part of my job, so I thought it would be noticed and questioned if I was not there.  Plus, I was 'hosting' some ACS staff and vendors from out of state that came in for Relay.  Thank God for over sized sunglasses to hide my tears, girlfriends that stopped by to help hold me up, small talk that kept me going, Cindi for taking me to get a pedicure during opening ceremony, and Sean for saying "let's go" when I said I need to get out of here NOW after the luminaria ceremony. 


For those I said hello to and said I'd come back to visit, please know that I just couldn't hold a conversation that day...I was doing all I could to hold myself up, to keep from crying, and to fake a smile.  People kept congratulating me on celebrating 11 years of being cancer free...all I could think was  "why is it back?"  "will it kill me this time?"  "what is my plan of attack?"....


XOXO, 


S

American Cancer Society Relay For Life of Joliet 2012

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.