Some Day I Will Find My Prince But My Daddy Will Always Be My King - August 22, 2012

"My prince did come...his name is Daddy."

I've said it before and I may say it again...this is one of my most emotional entries to write...

Today I hit the halfway point with chemo!!!  I should be excited, but I'm exhausted.  No sleep last night has made for a tough morning.  I am crying from being tired, having a hard time pulling myself together, my throat is hurting so badly, I'm sick to my stomach...the list goes on and on.  To top off things, I'm running late.  I HATE being late.  I pride myself on being early...hurry up and wait is much better than being late.  I pack up my "chemo bag".  We won't be there as long today, but I pack like we are moving in.  Cupcakes, plastic ware, cute napkins, chemo gift from Bonita, iPad, etc...  Again, the bag weighs more than a small child.  


My text to Steph, Kim, Gina & Cindi:

Me: Going for cocktails

Steph: R the twins going to chemo today?

Me: Yes.  Cindi Lou Who is sick.  I have literally been awake since 5 am yesterday morning.    Ugh.  Hoping I can sleep during cocktails.  (martini emoticon, needle emoticon, sleeping Zzz emoticon.

Steph: Half way today!!!  So proud of u!!!

Me: I'm feeling rough.  Running late and feel like I'm going to get sick.  Super exhausted.  Love ya.


I head to my parents to pick up my Mom, but I am feeling nauseous the whole way there.  I'd let her drive, but I think that would make me get car sick.  We don't hit much traffic, but get stuck in construction close to the infusion center.  Next stop Whole Foods for something to eat and snacks for the day.  I grab a few things, Mom gets a few things, and we are off to chemo.

There's no waiting when we arrive.  Nurse Jackie is there to greet me, we take the "usual" spot, and I start to get settled.  I hope Jackie realizes that I need the same chair for every session...I'll get nervous if I walk in and "my seat" is taken for the next round.  To my left is a woman that is not too much older than I am.  She is stylish with a cute wig and a scarf she is using like a headband.  She has a friend with her and they are talking and sharing pictures.  Two seats down from me is the same lady that was here the last time.  It makes me sad that she is alone, but her treatments do not last very long.  Three stations down is a bed with a chair next to it and a person getting chemo.  I really can't see who it is, but I think it is a man.  Full house today in Wheaton.

Shortly after we were getting settled my sister arrived.  She's been great through this whole process.  She has been to everything and by my side through it all.  It is good to have "the twins" here.  Chris leaves work to be here.  It works out well that her office is only about 15 minutes away.  Cindi was supposed to join us, but she is sick.  And well, sick and chemo do not go together.  All of us getting treatment cannot be out at risk of germs.  

Nurse Jackie and another nurse (I didn't catch her name) are getting me prepped for chemo.  Jackie notices that I am looking pretty rough.  I really did put on extra concealer and make-up, but sometimes it is too hard to hide the way I feel.  There is not enough bronzer or lipstick to perk me up today.  I tell Jackie about my throat and how the steroids are not allowing me to sleep.  She gives me my Benedryl that I take before each treatment and then starts getting me ready for the IV.  I remembered to put the medicine on my port, so I am numb when the line is inserted.  I still cringe each time, but it is great to no longer feel the pain of the needle going into the port.  

We are all busy getting settled, taking stuff out of the bag, getting the chemo ready, etc.  Then everyone kind of stops and I hear "Look who's here!"  I can't even remember who said it.  The door to the infusion area is directly behind my chair.  I kind of looked over my right shoulder and all I see are roses.  I then look up a little higher and I see that the roses are being held by my #1 guy.  I simply said "Daddy you're here." and tears began streaming down my face.  I looked forward and to my left and tears were falling from my eyes.  The same two eyes that can't believe what they are seeing.  My whole family is here and we are all crying at this point.  Jackie and the other nurse couldn't figure out why I was crying.  Jackie gave me a sweet hug from the side and pulled the curtain so we all could have a private moment.  

You're probably reading this and wondering "why the heck is she crying??  She sees her Dad every day."  Well, you are right.  I do see my Dad almost every day.  He is at my house every day.  He cleans the litter box, cuts my grass, fixes what needs fixing, etc.  My dad spends his mornings helping the homeless and going to church.  He often stops at my house early and then comes back later in the morning.  If he's not there by 11 AM I start to get worried and wonder where he is.  So, yes, I see him at my home always.  But what you may not realize is my Dad really doesn't leave the Joliet area anymore.  He keeps a solid routine, goes to very few places, and stay close to home.  Years of anxiety have stopped him from leaving the area.  He hasn't been to Naperville in over 7 years and Wheaton is even further.  But today he drove all the way to Wheaton to be at treatment.  My Mom told me that he has been thinking about coming for a while now and had planned on today earlier this week.  They didn't tell me because he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to actually make it.  Mom said that he has been sick to his stomach for a couple of days with nerves.  Let me just tell you that few things will ever hit me as emotionally as my Daddy walking into treatment this morning.  I cry every time I tell the story and I cry just thinking about it.

I text Stephanie, Kim, Gina and Cindi:


 Me:  Look at my "centerpiece" this month.  I cried so hard when he showed up.  My dad doesn't leave town.

Cindi: Damn it...I got trumped!

Steph: Awww...I think ur Dad makes a great centerpiece!!  Ha!!  Gorgeous flowers. XO

Me: Cindi we talked about how you gave me "pearls"

Steph: Lol!!! Flowers for sure trump pearls


Once we all pulled ourselves together my treatment began.  I did my best to explain everything to my Dad so that he understood the multiple bags in the IV stand, the drugs, and all that is happening.  So, here I am getting poison in my system and surrounded by the three most important people in my life.  I truly can't remember the last time that it was just the four of us sitting and talking, but I can tell you that I will never forget today.  We laughed, joked, argued a bit, interrupted conversations, ate, etc.  Mom handed out cupcakes. Dad talked about wanting a website for his Halloween display that he does each year (mind you, when I picked up my Mom this morning he had already started putting up Halloween decorations in the yard...it's Aug. 22...thank God they are not my neighbors).  I am trying to explain what he needs to go online, but he doesn't understand so I simply say "I wish I could help, but I have cancer."  We all laugh and I continue to say that the conversation is stressing me out so we need to move on.  

Chris had to go back to work.  Mom, Dad and I sat and talked.  Mom and Jackie and I talk about the show "Honey Boo Boo" and how ridiculous it is. Mom is laughing so hard that she is crying and Dad is disgusted that we actually have used any seconds of our lives to watch the show.  Here we are having normal conversations and enjoying family time...here I am getting chemo.  

Jackie comes back with a flashlight to check my throat.  It has bothered me since I started chemo, but the pain has gotten really bad.  It is hard to swallow, eat, etc.  It hasn't stopped me from eating, but it definitely hurts when I do.  When she looks down my throat she explains that I have throat sores from chemo.  It is called "Mucositis"...everything has to get a fancy name.  I think throat sores sound better, so I will stick with that. 

Mucositis is an inflammatory reaction of the mucous lining of the upper gastrointestinal tract from mouth to stomach (mouth, lips, throat) and surrounding soft tissues. 

• Stomatitis refers to inflammation in the mouth.
• Esophagitis refers to inflammation of esophagus.
• Mucositis refers to all mucous linings.

This response is due to certain chemotherapeutic drugs, biologic response modifiers, radiation therapy, and/or surgery. This reaction may progress to painful ulcers and infection, interfering with eating, talking, taste, chewing or swallowing and often lasting a few days.  
Mucositis is a self-limiting condition, currently there is no agent available to consistently prevent or treat this condition.  The goal is to decrease the severity and duration of mucositis and to provide relief of discomfort, and prevent or treat infection until recovery. (Thanks, Google)

Well, it can't be "fixed", but they can give medicine to help if it gets too bad.  For now I will gargle with warm salt water, use a very soft toothbrush (I bought a Disney princess brush, of course), and use Biotene...I LOVE BIOTENE!!  I have a box of samples (THANK YOU!!!  and the secret stays with me)....the toothpaste, gel and mouthwash are amazing.  If you know anyone going through chemo, I highly recommend all three products.  

Cheno is finally done.  I was here longer than I expected, but it was actually a really nice day.  Mom, Dad, and I walk out to the cars.  As Dad and I walked out the door I gave him a big hug, told him how much it meant to me that he was there, and I started to cry.  Mom and I got in my car and Dad went to his.  Mom and I plan on stopping for lunch and a quick trip to Trader Joe's.  Dad plans on going home.  He follows us as we o towards home.  Shortly after we leave Mom's phone rings...with the ringer that is nails on a chalkboard to me...Dad calls and we ask if he wants to go to lunch.  There is a small restaurant in the Trader Joe's parking lot and he agrees to join us.  To say the least, Mom and I are shocked.  He is so far out of his comfort zone.  We talk on the way to the restaurant.  This second battle with cancer seems to have hit my Dad the hardest or at least he is showing it more than others.  My Mom has been my rock this time around. I truly believe that this battle has made us so much closer and we are starting to understand each other more and more each day.  I tell her how proud I am of her.  And I also mention how great it is that she emails.  Every email ends with "lul, Mom"...yes, "lul".  I think she comes from the Gina School of Abbreviations.  She has made her own up...Love U Lots, Mom.  Well, Mom, I love you more!

We sit down to enjoy lunch and I check Facebook.  Immediately, tears ran down my face as I read a post that I was tagged in.  Here is the post from Stephanie Lazarikos:

I was the lucky winner of a dozen cupcakes from Betsy Barnett-Schreiber's Hey, Sweet Cheeks! Cupcakes & Bakery. Betsy and I are friends from SFA - class of 1988. I was so excited when I won because I have heard that her cupcakes are awesome...I have another friend Sue Ward who also attended SFA - class of 1989. Sue loves cupcakes and is courageously battling cancer for the second time and writes about it in her blog http://cancerandcupcakes.blogspot.com/. I asked Betsy to donate my dozen cupcakes to Sue with the hope of speading a smile her way. So, Sue Ward - please get together with Betsy at Hey, Sweet Cheeks - here is the menu link - http://heysweetcheeks.com/Cupcake_Menu_WWBT.html . Betsy is so sweet that she is still going to bake me a dozen. Please remember to like Hey, Sweet Cheeks! Cupcakes & Bakery here on FB.

I haven't seen Stephanie since high school.  We are friends on Facebook and she has joined my Virtual WE of people that are reading this crazy blog and taking part in my journey.  Her generosity is overwhelming today. Betsy's donation is beyond kind and I cannot wait to share her cupcakes with others in 3 weeks.  My parents ask why I'm crying and I can hardly choke out the words to read the post of explain the kindness that has come my way.  So many people like Stephanie have joined this journey and chosen to share it with others.  Your kindness does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.  The cards, the posts on Facebook, the prayers, the stories about spending more time with your kids because you have read this, the stories of slowing down and enjoying the day, the notes that say you scheduled your mammogram...all of these things are amazing.  All of these things allow me to find some meaning behind my second battle.  All of you remind me why it is important to share my story.  Maybe I will help one person.  If so, my daily battles are worth it.

After lunch we walked over to Trader Joe's.  I think it has gone up about 20 degrees while we are at the restaurant.  My Dad joined us at the store and he loved Trader Joe's.  It wasn't too busy and we bought a few goodies.  They have my favorite cookies, so I can't pass them up.  Yes, the nutritionist would be proud.

We all head home and I head to bed.  Today has been one of the best days that I have had in a very long time.  Kind of strange to say since it was my 11 round of chemo in my lifetime.  Regardless of my cancer, I have an amazing family.  Today I appreciated them all more than I have in a long time.  We had a great day...WE laughed, WE cried, WE fought cancer...TOGETHER!

Thank you for joining me on this journey and for taking the time to read my story...now, take some extra time for yourself.  Give a little more love to those people in your life today.  Life moves too quickly and we grow old too fast. Enjoy your night!

XOXO,

S

My 3rd chemo gift from Bonita!  The box is getting empty, so I am getting closer t o the end!

Me and my sister, Chris.

The very cute cupcake blanket that was in the mail when I arrived home.  Thank you, Lara!  It is beautiful!

Me and my #1 guy!

Me, Zara, and the Twins (Chris & Mom)...thought I would post this because I am forgetting what I look like with hair.

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here to help.