Is It Wrong To Stay In Bed For 48 Hours??? July 13-15

"I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger."

As amazing as yesterday was, today I'm dragging.  Up early for work, but the chemo is starting to kick in.  It's going on 48 hours today and I can tell that the side effects are starting to show.  After days off for FMLA, I have a lot to catch up on ad it is good to stay busy.  Just one break for "lunch"...or as the nurse likes to call it Neulasta.  I'm lucky to have a Loyola location somewhat near my home.  I can't get chemo there, but I will go the day before chemo to draw my blood and the day after chemo to get ,my Neulasta shot.  Neulasta is new to me this time around.  It was not a part of my regimen during my first battle with cancer, so I really don't know much about it.  My doctor and I had the discussion, but I may have zoned out at this point in the discussion.  "Neulasta is a prescription medicine that can help reduce your risk of infection while on strong chemotherapy by supporting your body's natural defenses.  It does this by boosting the number of certain infection-fighting white blood cells, called neutrophilis.  It acts like the cells in your bone marrow to increase the number of new white blood cells that are formed."  (Description taken from website)  It is an injection that is given approximately 24 hours after chemotherapy...we pushed mine to 48 hours so that I could work a normal day yesterday.  Don't worry, it was a decision that my doctor and I made together...we are partners in this!  So, off to the location I went.  Tired, but ready to go and get the quick shot done with.  I was doing great until I got into the parking lot.  First, it has been hotter than hell in IL the past few weeks and today was no different.  Second, I realized that I really hadn't eaten today.  My stomach was upset and food just doesn't sound good, but I really should have eaten.  Into the center I went.  I walked in the door and it was like they knew me right away..."Susan?  Here for your Neulasta shot?"  "Yes, that's me."  "Okay, take a seat while we get your shot."  So, I sat and waited a few minutes and took it all in. The little center is very nice, but small.  There are 2 people getting chemo and I can see them clearly....my nerves are increasing with every second.  Something that I have noticed since my first surgery is that when I get nervous or the anxiety sets in I get light headed and almost pass out...it must be one of my many defense mechanisms...it fits in nicely with my self deprecating humor, sarcasm, or trust issues...but this one can be a little dangerous and has been happening a lot lately.  I pretty much as for an ammonia stick immediately upon walking in the door of a doctor's office.  It seems to be the best thing to pull me back to reality.  The truth is, I've been walking in a fog for a couple of weeks now and it is only getting worse.


The nurse walks me into a chair and asks if I know what the shot is that I am getting.  Of course, I say "yes, it's Neupogen." Wrong answer, but I was really close...not close enough.  So, she starts explaining the drug and pulling it out of the box...FOG comes in.  I asked for an ammonia stick because I'm ready to "leave the building".  She tells me that they don't have anything like that.  So, I asked for anything that has that strong smell.  She pulled out an alcohol wipe and I started sniffing.  She is looking at me like I'm crazy.  Well, I thought I pulled myself together so I started asking questions.  Why do I ask so many questions in life???  I must have been a handful as a little kid!  She answered and I pulled my port area open on my shirt to get the injection.  Not so fast, you get the injection in your arm.  REALLY?!?!  They made me get a port so I don't have to get poked and prodded but a little over 48 hours later they are sticking a needle in me?  Smell the alcohol pad...deep breaths...I'm about to go down for the count.  Sorry, I'm going to need a minute because I'm about to pass out, again.  She kindly asked if I had a "responsible driver" with me.  Why does that question have to come up again?  I am the "responsible driver".  I said "no" and she scolded me.  The nurse is also going to be my Chemo Nurse once I start at the Loyola Wheaton location and now we are off to a bad start.  Shot in arm, bottle of water in hand, light headed.  I'm a mess.   I waited a few more minutes until I felt good and then I headed home.  To be honest, I'm surprised she let me go so quickly.


Back to work I went.  A normal day of getting things done.  I knew that I needed to eat, but my stomach was upset from chemo, so I roasted a few chicken breast with veggies.  A little bit a food, attempting to learn the iPad, and then bed.  That's about all I could handle today.  Pretty good chance I will have to get one of my girlfriends' kids to teach me how to use this thing...I'm typing on it, but I don't know how to make edits.


Up early on Saturday.  My body is starting to hurt a lot, but I have a few things that I need to get done.  First stop is at Kohl's and my Mom is going to meet me there.  You see, Mom thinks that you an fix anything with shopping and I happen to agree.  Anything can go wrong and my Mom will say "Want to meet me at Kohl's?  I have a coupon.  I'll buy you something."  Who am I to deny her shopping time with her 2nd favorite child?  I arrived at Kohl's a few minutes before Mom and my body was starting to kick back at me.  My purse was too heavy (iPad is in it), my biopsy side hurts, my port side hurts, my bones and joints are starting to hurt.  I grab a cart...it KILLS me to grab a cart because my Mom gets a cart every time we walk into any store, but I need help.  We can be going in to Target for one item and she gets a cart...I just don't understand getting cart at most stores outside of a grocery store.  I can juggle 20 items at Target without a cart, but she needs one each time we walk in.  I tease her about this all the time.  And now, here I am getting a cart at Kohl's...it's like eating crow!  Sure enough Mom walks in, looks at me with the cart, and gets a huge smile across her face.  My comment..."don't say a word about the cart...I feel like shit."  She still smiled.  We don't stay long, but decide to go to breakfast because I haven't eaten.


A quick breakfast where I ran into Dana, Burke, and their kids...a great family that I met through Relay many years ago and the kids are adorable.  I stopped by to say hello, bent down to talk to their little Diva, and realized that I didn't know if I was going to be able to stand up...the joints were getting tight.  But I have a 'date" with my Apple Genius so I need to keep going.  A quick goodbye to all and I start heading to Naperville.  I just needed to make a quick stop along the way.  The Schulers were at a baseball field Bolingbrook and I have not seen Suzanne is way too long.  Henry is playing in a tournament, Bill is coaching, and Suzanne and Frank are watching the game.  I haven't known the Schulers for long, but I have grown to really like them  Bill and Suzanne workout at TMMA.  Suzanne is my favorite partner is Stephanie isn't there.  They both just make me happy, smile and laugh...exactly what I need today.  And let's face it...my cats are Frank and Henry...two of their children are Frank and Henry...clearly we have a bond.  Suzanne and I chatted for a bit.  I knew other people there, but I didn't have it in me to be social.  I was just happy to make the walk from my car to where Suzanne had a chair waiting for me. We talked about my cancer, but we also talked about their upcoming trips and 'normal' stuff...much needed normal!  Henry was having a great game, Frank was hanging out being adorable, and then Mary and Billy arrived...four polite, sweet kids.


I didn't stay long at the game because I have a "date" with my Genius.  A quick stop for water at the concessions stand and back to the car.  I'm moving pretty slowly at this point and the pain is setting in, but I am determined to figure out the iPad.  The Apple Store was busy today, but I quickly had a nice girl to help me out.  Of course when I started to ask questions she suggested that I take one of their 1.5 hour classes that they offer.  I politely decline and keep asking questions.  I have an iPhone, so I needed to get into my iCloud and sync the two. Seems easy, but I had the shakes and I couldn't remember my password.  I wasn't feeling well and the crowd was getting to me.  She was kind, patient, and clearly realized that I wasn't feeling well.  We continued to work on getting me familiar with the iPad and then she handed me off to Bradford.  He's a cute Genius and he also suggests that I take a class.  Please, people...I appreciate that you all have classes for those of us that are not as smart as the iPad, but I can't commit to that.  He starts going through my phone to show me things are pulled up my pictures...WAIT!!!!!!!!!...I have graphic pictures in there..I said this out loud and now he was curios and probably thinking something else.  Little did he know that I had started documenting everything on my camera and have pictures of my f'd up body on there.  He then moved to my calendar.  First question "can I add cocktails into your calendar?"  I smiled.  Next question to me..."Oh, you're in chemo?"  Yes, Bradford, I'm in chemo AND DO NOT LOSE MY CALENDAR!!!  I need it, so don't mess things up.  He was kind and mentioned that his Mom was a retired oncology nurse and he realizes how hard it is.  I politely smiled, we continued my "lesson", I bought a few iPad accessories and then he suggested that I get a phone case because of the shakes that I have...ugh...I added the phone case and headed out the door.


I started home at this point.  I've only been awake for about 6 hours and I cannot wait to get back into bed.  As I drove the pain starting getting worse.  My body was rejecting me.  The drugs were setting into my body.  The nausea was getting worse.  The bone and joint pain gets worse by the second.  I talked to Stephanie most of my way home and I was afraid I wasn't going to make it.  I thought about pulling over to take a break, but I was afraid that I'd get stuck, so I just kept driving.  I crawled into bed when I got home and stayed there until Monday morning.  Tossing and turning from the pain in my joints and bones.  Crying from the pain the majority of the weekend.  My Dad stopped by Sunday morning to check on me and I just cried.  He fixes everything, but he can't fix this.  I asked him not to tell my Mom.  It is just too hard on her.  The pain was so bad Sunday night that I actually considered calling her to help, but I just kept thinking that it would stop.  The pain killers are not working.  The sleeping pills are not working.  I'm dripping in sweat one minute and freezing the next.  My emotions are high.  I looked on Facebook from the iPad every so often to try to distract myself.  Somebody had a post that said "I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger."  I "liked" the post so it showed in my feed.  Maggie Mae commented "stronger"...I needed that.  The pain will go away, the meds will get out of my system...THE CANCER WILL GO AWAY...it's just going to be an interesting journey to get to that point.


XOXO,


S

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.