I didn't really sleep last night. My life has been taken over by fear. People keep telling me that I am brave and the reality is that I am scared to death. Brave is not even in my vocabulary today. I just need to stop crying, get out of bed and leave for the hospital. More importantly I need to pull myself together before I pick up my Mom.
Days like this I can't help but think WTH!!! Why the hell is this happening to me? Why am I fighting cancer for the second time? Can't I just wake up from this terrible nightmare? I have tried to tell myself that a bilateral mastectomy will allow me to be "perky" for life, it will allow me to wear a bathing suit without wearing a strapless bra underneath, it will make me look skinnier...you name it, I have come up with the great things that this surgery will lead to. The reality is that the surgery will take away the cancer that remains in that area, it will take away my ability to ever breastfeed a child (if I were so blessed), it will take away my nipples and leave behind scars, it will take away a part of my femininity, etc. I'm losing the way my breast look in my favorite shirt, the organs that make me a curvy, sexual woman. Again, I tell myself that it will take away what cancer is left...the bilateral mastectomy will give me a higher percentage of living my life. I don't doubt my decisions, but I often doubt my strength.
I picked Mom up and we headed to Loyola. It was still dark out and before morning traffic had started. We didn't talk much on the way because I was afraid that I would breakdown and that would make things so difficult. We arrived at the hospital, checked in, received my pager, and I was quickly called in. When you go into surgery you have the option to take someone with you, but I decide to go alone. A quick goodbye is better for us both. Well, definitely better for me. I am escorted into the pre-op floor and given a room to start prepping for surgery. When you have multiple doctors, they have Fellows, they have medical students, and residents...you pretty much get a parade of people that start coming into the room. Fortunately, I saw a friendly face that helped to release some of my anxiety. My friend Sherry works at Loyola and fortunately has some pull! She came in to hang out with me during the prep. We talked about everything but the surgery. We were interrupted when someone needed something, but she was able to help me hold myself together. We laughed and joked. I needed it so badly. The hard part came when it was time to start the IV in my foot. Yes, my foot! I will no longer be able to use my arms for blood work, IVs, blood pressure, etc. So my option for today is my foot. They had an army of people and nobody could seem to get an IV to work...not for a lack of trying! My feet turned into pincushions that did not want to cooperate. Finally they had a small enough line to get enough drugs in me to take me into the get full IVs in both of my feet. So off to surgery I went and the fear and tears started bubbling to the top. I remember being wheeled on the bed down the hallway, looking at the lights of the ceiling, crying, and apologizing for crying. Everything became so very real at that point. No turning back now.
 |
| My parents waiting for me while I was in surgery. Long day for them. |
 |
| Me...yikes...looking rough! |
My next memory came several hours later in recovery. All drugged up with no place to go. I believe my surgery took close to 6 hours, but I don't remember. Dr. Robinson came to visit me in recovery. How amazing is she?!? I don't remember what I said to her, but she said I was really funny. The next thing I can think of I was taken to a room...a private room...THANK YOU SHERRY...I'm pretty sure that you had something to do with this. Private rooms are in high demand and very limited at Loyola. I asked everyone I could to get one and here I was in one. A beautiful single room. Not that I don't like others, but I don't sleep well and watch TV all night long. I just don't make a great roommate.
The next 48 hours are somewhat of a blur in many areas, but vivid in others. My Mom was there the entire time. I remember this mostly because I envy her ability to sleep. How do I know that she sleeps well??? Because she SNORES!! My Dad, sister, and Cindi were all there. Cindi took on the task of text messaging the list of people that I supplied to let everyone know the details of surgery. I was feeling great when I got to the room. Updating Facebook, texting, etc. Then the meds from surgery started to wear off and I met my new best friend...the morphine pump. Oh how I loved that pump and hated when we had to breakup! It didn't pump enough to get rid of all the pain, but they kept managing it and trying to get me comfortable. My favorite sound became the "beep" of the pump when the time came to press it. My doctors and nurses were very clear that I needed to stay ahead of the pain. Let me just say that it is hard to get comfortable when you feel like you have an elephant sitting on your chest, you're itching from the drugs, and have drainage tubes coming out of both sides of your body! But my spirits were good and I tried my best to be kind to everyone that came into my room. And when I say "everyone", I mean Everyone! This is a busy hospital! Very few people travel alone when they come to check on me. I had two doctors for this part of the journey and they sent their teams in to see me regularly. My favorites visits came from Dr. Levin. He was really just easy to pick on when he came around...he introduced himself and couldn't remember the doctor that he was representing for a few seconds. So, of course, I had to tease him about it. I had a 50/50 chance of guessing the right doctor that he is doing his Fellowship with. Fortunately we get along well because I will see him often over the next several months. He's a first year Fellow and a really good guy. His extra early morning visits with his backpack still on and blue winter coat made me smile.
Dr. Robinson even made a visit to my room. In my experience is is unusual for an oncologist to visit the recovery area after surgery and to come by the room. She technically has nothing to do with this part of the journey. Not only did she stop to see how I am doing but she also brought cupcakes!!! Yet another reason to be thankful for my choice in oncologists. She stayed for a while and visited with us. So much can be said about a person's character when they do the unexpected and go above and beyond. I don't expect that from all my doctors, but know that I have made the right choice for me with the team at Loyola. Speaking of Loyola...the care that I have received has been top notch! Everyone has been kind, helpful, and caring. My nurses and student nurses during my stay were wonderful! I especially took to one of the student nurses, Kasia. Her positive attitude and energy were exactly what I needed. She was helpful with everything. Each meal even came with a extra meal for my mom. They did as much for mom as they did for me. It is so refreshing to see a person who is in exactly the right career path. Kasia is a good person that will make a fantastic nurse. If I could pick someone for my next hospital stay should would be high on the list.
 |
| Cupcakes from Dr. Robinson. So sweet! |
 |
| Me trying to recover. |
 |
| Me & Kasia before I got ready to leave. Great girl! |
Being at a Catholic hospital allows for religion to come into play with my care. I also had an enlightening encounter with a Eucharist minister, Richard. As I have mentioned in past posts my faith has come under question over the years of dealing with cancer in my life and the life of loved ones. I don't question the existence of God, but I have questioned his plan for me. There are just so many areas of my 41 years that I wonder why he is giving me more than I think I can handle. I guess that I have handled all at the time so God is right in his faith in me...I just need to get right in my faith in God. Richard came into my room while my Mom was out in the hall reading. He simply asked if I wanted to take communion. I simply declined because it has been so long since my last confession. Richard spoke to me so kindly and told me his personal story with challenges in his faith. He's lived a tough life and is still in the process of "figuring things out", but his faith in God has allowed him to move forward and make better life decisions. I so appreciate the person who has the ability to leave everything on God's hands. I aspire to be that person some day. Richard stayed with me for sometime. I cried with him, laughed with him, and I took communion based on his recommendation. Richard took kindly to me and made sure that he would visit more while I was there. His next visit came with gifts. He took the time to go to the gift shop and buy me a few ornaments. Each were doves with simple words on them. Words that remind me that I am far from alone in my journey.
There were some funny things that happened during my days at the hospital. I will be easier to list them out than tell a long story:
- My mom's snoring was impressive but she completely denies that she was doing it. She also has an amazing ability to fall asleep in minutes! Yes, I'm jealous of her ability to sleep!
- We woke up Thursday morning and the first thing that my mom asked me for was a hair brush. Ummmmm....I'm BALD! Why would I have a brush with me???
- Several hours after asking for a brush my mom asked me for tweezers....AGAIN...I'm BALD and have little to no hair on my body. Why would I have tweezers with me?
- I accidently pulled out one of my IV when I went to the bathroom. So there I was with morphine squirting out...OMG...don't waste the good stuff!! I probably should have licked it off the floor! Fortunately they placed an IV in both of my feet. So it was an easy call to the nurse during the midnight hours.
- Please know that I really didn't have a concept of time while I was there. So if you received a 3 AM text please blame it on the drugs! :)
- I'm sure there were many more, but there was just as much morphine so my memory is foggy! I still miss the sound of that morphine pump beep....ahhhhh...happy place!
XOXO,
S
 |
| Mom's bed during our stay. |
Posted with Blogsy
No comments:
Post a Comment