I heard years ago that if you wake up at 3 AM it is the "devils hour". It is also the time that I tend to wake up daily. That time when I always look at the clock and think "ugh...why am I awake at 3 AM? I don't know if this is true but this 3 AM definitely felt like the devil was out to get me. My throat is still bothering me and it feels a million times worse when I'm in bed. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but it feels terrible. I was awoken in a coughing fit. Coughing so hard that I couldn't stop and finally coughing so hard that I made myself sick. Not a good way to start off the day especially when I'm already feeling crappy about having to get stuck at home because I'm avoiding germs. The reality is that my body can be my own worse enemy when it comes to fighting off the bacteria that naturally lives inside of us, but I need to focus on things in my control. Today I can control skipping a face to face meeting and calling in for the day. Conference calls are hard enough to stay focused and a full day call with a poor connection makes it even more difficult. But if I can avoid getting sick for the next 12 days I can focus on going to the Relay Summit. I cried a few times during the call, but I am hopeful that nobody knows because I won as mute. I'm stressed about potentially missing Summit and I'm sad that some of my duties are being distributed to others. We need to cover our butts in case I can't go, but I hate to feel as though I'm not pulling my weight on our biggest training opportunity of the year. Tears of frustration, but I'm at the point of giving things up more freely because I'm at the point of needing help. We have workloads that are impossible to carry while healthy. I'm giving 110% each day, but I guess that 110% changes while ill and takes 200% more time to get it all done.
Lunch was spent getting another shot at the Homer location. Day 2 of 7 down. Then I head back to work and the rest of the conference call. Mom and Dad are both at my house helping out. They have been a God send during this whole ordeal. Mom helps clean and Dad works in the yard. Dad also brought beautiful roses to brighten my day. Around 6:30 I put fresh sheets on and move to bed to work. My body hurts badly daily. It is from the drugs that are helping me but some days there is just not a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm ready for it all to be done and behind me. Still trying to make sure that I laugh more than I cry, but it is not easy every day. In my mind I'm almost half way done with the process.
I have an email on Facebook from a girl I went to high school with. She had a biopsy yesterday and is waiting for the results. I feel for her. The waiting is the hardest part. The not knowing. The fear that comes along with a potential cancer diagnosis. The fear of the unknown. I offer help in any way possible and then missed her call when I was out getting a shot. I am hopeful that I can help. We are all so different but I have a lot of resources through work. If you ever have a scare or hear the words "you have cancer" please do not go through the journey alone.
My friend Barb is also having challenges with her health. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers that it is not related to her cancer. Her strength is amazing. Sending prayers and love to Iowa. Go Hawks! Until they play Northwestern...then GO CATS!
Another big happening today in Joliet...Drew Peterson is convicted. Congrats to Jim G and his team. What a great accomplishment. Jim said we are both going to win. Well he won is battle. Now I need to win mine.
I also received an email from a family member that has always meant a lot to me. Sadly I have not heard from him since we found out that I was sick again. I can honestly say that I have been very hurt by his absence, but at least I understand somewhat why he has shown no interest. I can't say that I feel a lot better from reading the note, but it is not my place to judge why others make the choices they do. People approach things differently. I'm approaching everything differently this time. I teared up reading the email and sent a simple reply. I don't think things will ever be the same between us, but who knows. I guess I'll find out at the next family holiday.
Off to bed. Sleep well my friends.
XOXO,
S
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| Flowers from my Daddy! They brighten my day. |
If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society. Nobody should face cancer alone. http://www.cancer.org/ or 800.227.2345. 24 hours a day 365 days a year.
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