I'm sorry for all of the "radio silence" over the past few weeks. To be honest, I'm just too tired most of the time to catch up on the blog and I have also questioned writing the blog since the day that I am now writing about. Maybe I've made a mistake by sharing too much on here and not sharing enough in person. Or maybe this is a private battle that I should have kept to my small circle in my life. The question have gone through my head since the beginning, but the voice has gotten louder since August 21. I've decided that the blog has helped me more than it has hurt. I've also made some apologies along the way and I think that I am finally in a good place to start up again. Still, no promises...but I do keep notes of each and every day, so I don't have to rely on what is left of my memory. Plus, I have heard from so many of you that the blog is helping...so, here we go again...
Tuesday - August 21:
It is another hot day in Joliet! Work is so busy this time of year. The fiscal year comes to an end 9 short days. Our RFL Summit is a little over a month away. To be honest, most days I do not know if I am coming or going with work because I am simply too busy...we are all too busy. When I am feeling well I can easily pull off a 60 - 70 hour week at work...those days are far behind me know, but I have not yet accepted it. So, I continue to give my all, but need to realize that "my all" just doesn't have the umph that it used to.
During the day I get a text from Eric to see if I am planning on going to the Pink Heals event at the park district. The Pink Heals event has been organized by Matt and Sandra Fleck. They live in Joliet and Matt is a fireman with Eric. Sandra's sister and mother have both been impacted by cancer. I have worked out with both Matt and Sandra a couple of times over the years and Matt was kind enough to personally invite to the event on several occasions. I don't know them well, but they have done a lot of work to get the word out about the festivities.
The Pink Heals program has a simple mission statement: We drive pink fire trucks and pink police cars across America bringing the “Cares Enough to Wear Pink” and Pink Heals Movement to a city near you! We simply provide a program for your community leaders to adopt, helping them fundraise for people rather than causes. We focus our labor of love on the women of this country and wage war on anything that may harm her starting with cancer!
I truly had wanted to go to the event since I had heard about it, but I wanted my invite to come from Eric. I guess I've always considered Eric and my fire department connection, so it seems strange to attend any of their events without an invite from him. We haven't spoken in a few weeks, so the text came as a surprise. I replied that I wanted to go and informed him that I'd be wearing a scarf because it was too hot. Eric really hasn't seen me without hair. The last time we were together was before I started treatment. I guess he may have seen pictures on here, but I really don't know if he's reading the blog. We traded a few text, decided what I should wear, and then he was at my house.
I heard his car pull up, grabbed my stuff, and headed out the back door...bald with my scarf in hand. He was in my yard looking at the pumpkin that is magically growing across my patio (according to my Dad the squirrels must have planted it...I am smart enough to know that Dad planted it). We hop in the car and head to the park district. It's hot, the area is crowded, and there are a lot of people that I haven't seen since all of this started. There are even a few people that had no idea that I was fighting breast cancer again. On the track outside the stadium there are a several pink fire trucks, a pink bus, and firemen dressed in full pink gear. It is actually a pretty cool thing to see. In addition to the trucks, there are a few hundred people from around Joliet supporting the efforts of Pink Heals. All are in shirts and preparing to take the walk behind the trucks to show that Joliet is helping women in our community that are fighting cancer.
It was pretty overwhelming for me to be there. I choked back tears many times and appreciated my big sunglasses, just like many other days. I ran into a few people that I haven't seen in awhile... Vicki, Cheryl, Toni, Aunt Bonnie (not really my aunt, but Gina's aunt, so it is the same thing), Glen, Rosie, and so many firemen. I have to laugh because Eric knows everyone in town, or at least it seems that way. We are stopped many times to chat before the opening ceremony begins. I also had a chance to sign the truck. It was one of the few times that I really didn't know what to write.
Sandra and Matt did a great job planning and executing the program. Almost everyone walked behind the trucks as they left the area. Matt offered to let me ride on the truck, but I declined. I guess I'm one of those people who wants to do it "full out" or I don't want to do it at all. As they all followed, Eric and I left to go to dinner. I was getting light headed during the program. Probably a combination of the heat and hunger. So, dinner is exactly what I need.
We went to one of our favorite places. We had the opportunity to talk on the way and talk during dinner. More importantly we had the opportunity to talk on the drive home. The evening ended with a hug in the car and tears down my face.
Today I realized that I have hurt a dear friend through this journey. He has learned that he hurt me. It breaks my heart to know that I have done anything that would cause pain to someone that holds a huge part of my heart. Today I realized that I have done a better job at communicating on this blog than I have done communicating with someone that I love dearly. I was hurt by him, he was hurt by me, and we both chose to not talk to each other and discuss the issue. I've lost sleep over this for weeks and I was pointing fingers in my own mind. The reality is that I need to learn to be better at communicating with my own voice. Writing details, texting, etc...just do not get the true message across.
I still didn't sleep well tonight, but I feel better that we have spoken. I feel better that I had a great hug before I went into my house. Fortunately, time did not get in the way of a great friendship. We didn't let the hurt go on so long that it was too late to repair. We grow up hearing the words "don't go to bed angry"...I am so happy that I didn't have to go to bed angry/sad tonight.
Lessons learned...
- Talk with the people that are important to you.
- Share what is going on in your life so they don't have to hear it from others.
- Two stubborn people can get in the way of each other.
- I need to give more hugs and say "I love you" often.
- My "cancer world" doesn't allow me to ignore the needs of others.
- Forgiveness, laughter, patience, loyalty, selflessness, and honesty are important to every true friendship.
XOXO,
S
If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society. Nobody should face cancer alone. http://www.cancer.org/ or 800.227.2345. 24 hours a day 365 days a year. WE are here for you.
Sue Thanks for your words. Each time I read your blog I find truth. It touches me in way that I need. You are like an angel sent from God. You are right many times our lack of communication drives the ones we need most away.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your prayers!
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