I Am In Charge of How I Feel and Today I am Choosing Happiness - July 24, 2012

"Some people don't believe in heroes but they haven't met my friends!" 


I'm feeling well this morning.  Probably the most energy I have had since this journey started.  Up early for work to go to our Tinley Park office to meet with my boss, Staci.  She hates when we call her "Boss".  Feeling well does not mean I look great.  My hair started falling out Sunday and it is only getting worse today. About half my hair is on the bathroom sink...it's like my very own "Cousin It".  I think it might be time to really start thinking about what I am going to do.  I have thrown out the idea of the Head Shaving 'Party", but I don't know if I can go through with it...maybe if I start making plans I will make the best of this crappy situation. 

So, I wore a hat to work today.  Some what for me, but mostly so I don't leave my hair all over the office.  Losing your hair from chemo is a messy process, it hurts my head, I'm itchy all over, I have strands that fall on my skin and make it feel like I have spiders crawling on me.  There is also something scientifically cool about the process.  When you find out what "cocktail" you are on, the can pretty much tell you exactly what some of the major side effects are and on what day they will happen.  "Day 14, you will have lost most of your hair."  Here I am on day 13 with about half of my hair will left when I leave the building.  

I ran in to Stacey P. when I was walking up to the office door.  We spent some time talking and sharing stories.  Stacey is an amazing cancer survivor who now works for ACS.  Stacey and I met the first time we went through cancer...I was 29 and she was 24.  I went to my first support group meeting when I had hit rock bottom emotionally.  Y-ME had a Young Survivors Group.  We were all in our 20s & 30s..  There I met Stacey, Lisa, Sharon, Sally, Carin, and Kim.  6 amazing women that have played a role in my strength since our days of Y-ME...6 women that will ALWAYS be a part of my life.  Stacey is still fighting cancer and is currently on chemo again because of the cancer in her liver.  She looks cute in her hats and I hear her wig is adorable.  It has been 12 years since her battle began.  She's the STRONGEST person I know for so many reasons.  I could write an entire page about her, but I really should get her permission first and make sure that my mind is getting all the details straight.  Lisa is a beautiful lady and an eloquent write/speaker.  She says things that make you think and things that allow you to get mad at the disease, but also understand that you can handle anything that life sends your way.  She has continued to help young women face breast cancer with strength.  Sharon Rose Miller was one of the strongest people I ever had the pleasure to meet.  Tears stream down my face as I type about Sharon.  She was beautiful inside and out.  She lost her battle with this damn disease on December 12, 2004.  Sharon was married to John before she passed away.  John showed us all the meaning of true love.  He showed me that you should have your best friend by your side when life deals you a terrible hand.  He showed me that it is ok to grieve and to pick you life up after tragedy takes your love away. John is still a dear friend of mine.  He sent me a text today...just a simple "thinking of you".  John's text gives me strength because I know the strength that he and Sharon shared.  Sally was our "elder" in the group and by elder I mean early 40s.  She took cancer by the balls and was not someone you would mess with.  Sally later went on to have a set of twins, Van and Elvis.  What great names.  I've lost track of Sally over the years, but I hope she knows the impact that she made on my life.  Carin was a beautiful woman who liked orchards and had a lovely home.  She was graceful and brought peace to any room. She was married to Boyd and they had a love story like no other.  To see them together one could only hope that they find a husband/wife/life partner to look in their eyes that way and to stand by their side on life's hardest days.  We all wanted our own "Boyd".  Carin also lost her battle with breast cancer.  A small group of young women that are ready to make their mark on the world, but cancer changed that. Next up, Kim.  I think I met Kim some time after the first support group meeting, but I "knew of her" from day one.  I don't remember the date, but I remember that Kim gave me more hope than any survivor had given me to that point...not a hope for my life, but a hope for the potential that I could be a Mom some day.  Kim was diagnosed at 30 while she was pregnant with her first born.  She now has four beautiful children with her husband David. Cancer did not take away her ability to be a Mom.  Fertility is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.  There are many other women that I met over the years and I could say great things about each of them, but these women were the first for me.  Woman that understood the road I was taking and the battles I was facing.  Stacey and I took over facilitating the 20 & 30s breast cancer survivors  group a few years later and I hope we impacted some lives while we were there.   Y-Me closed their doors last week and it breaks my heart.  They made a series of poor business decisions and it appears that they forget about the people the helped.  They forgot about the fact that they gave us young survivors a place to laugh, cry, get angry, and find true friends who completely understand each step of our journey.  I keep worrying about all the women that called the helpline in the days that followed the closing of Y-Me and I can only hope that they find the peer support that they deserve.  ACS has Reach to Recovery, so they can lean on us if they need to.  http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/SupportProgramsServices/reach-to-recovery

I haven't been as good of a friend to Stacey as I should have been.  I think I have had survivor's guilt over the past couple of years (not only with Stacey, but with a few others).  Many continued to battle and I was doing well, it all just doesn't make sense to me and I was always at a loss for words to say.  Cancer is just a hard pill to swallow and digest.  I have followed every step of Stacey's journey, but from a distance until lately. Cards were purchased, but never sent...I just didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to understand why I was well and she was continuing to fight so hard again.  I hear that survivor's guilt is common with soldiers...I guess we are soldiers in our own way.  Here we are chatting like we were at a Y-Me support group meeting...sharing stories, sharing products to buy, etc.  I hope you all have someone as strong as Stacey in your life or I hope you have the honor to know Stacey P. There are few people in this world that could go through what she has and still have her smile.  Stacey, I'm sorry I have been distant...I'll change that if you will let me!  Stacey is an inspiration to all that have had the honor to meet her.  She is amazing.

I should get back to the day..  Staci (my boss) and I met for several hours today.  It was good to go over some projects that are on our plates and to discuss the next few months.  I've had anxiety since my diagnosis.  We have big projects in play and a few that are just around the corner.  I'm not on my 'A' game and we have cancer to fight!  So, Staci and I spoke to see what we can do and to make sure that we are both on the same page.  I felt good when I left the building.  I know that staff and volunteers have offered to do anything I need, but it is important for me to do everything that I can.  I just need to make sure that pride doesn't get in the way and I ask for help when I need it.

I left the office and headed home to drop off a few things and then decided I needed to get ready for my "Head Shaving 'Party'".  Maybe if I get everything I need before tomorrow night I will actually show up and not be an emotional wreck.  I only invited a select people to join me.  Each person is playing an important role in my journey.  Here is the invite they received (well, I hope they received):


"Well...I couldn't find the 'right' evite for this so I thought I'd send a text.  Any plans tomorrow night?  If not, stop by cindi's around 6:30 for my head shaving 'party'.  No promises that I won't be an emotional wreck, but I'll have plenty of food.  Bring your favorite cocktail if you want something special.  No worries if you can't make it.  I'll send pictures.  XOXO."


Wow...did I just send that?  Did I commit to having people there, to bringing food, to putting my messed up life in front of people to see.  YIKES!!  I respect and love each person that will attend, so that it the easy part.  Today is a really good day, so it all sounds like a good idea.  I let cancer control me the last time, but I want to control it this time.


Well, I have a 'party' to plan.  First stop the mall.  I need to go find some hats for the upcoming months.  I found a few that I like at Charming Charlies...Steph's favorite store that gives me hives and overwelmes my senses.  If you go there you will understand.  EVERY cheap accessory on the face of the earth, divided by colors and all over the store.  I call it "crack cocaine" because the bags say "CC" on them and it is like a drug to Stephanie.  I collected every hat that I liked and headed to a mirror.  The girl working simply said, "You either REALLY like hats or you're on chemo."..I said "sadly, the last part."  She just gave me that sad look and said that she's here to help if I need anything.  I bought two and headed on my way...sorry CC for all the strands of hair that I may have left in the hats that I tried on.   Then I started walking through stores to find something to wear tomorrow.  I was seriously thinking about what I should wear...then I thought "what does one wear to their own head shaving party?".  I soon decided that I was losing it!  I can't find a new outfit to wear to a crappy day.  So, I decided that I need to go shopping for food and all the perfect ingredients, napkins, plates, bowls, etc.  I LOVE to entertain, cook, bake, etc.  I am in my element with this part of the 'party'.  And I truly convinced myself that if I was doing everything for the night I would have to go and I would stay busy all day.  Almost everyone is able to join me tomorrow night.  Now I just need to convince myself I am going.  Again, my apologies to the car behind me that may or may not have had a handful of hair land on their windshield...it was a tangled mess from trying on hats and it was a bad reaction to roll down the window and throw out my wad of hair.


I have stayed up too late today preparing for tomorrow.  I'm anxious...I doubt that I will sleep.  Tomorrow is the day that I dread most with cancer.  Why can't they come up with drugs that allow people to hold onto the little pieces of "normal" that they can.


XOXO,


S

PS.

If you or a loved one are facing hair loss from cancer, please consider reaching out to the American Cancer Society.  We supply wigs, free of charge, to those battling cancer.  We also have a great program called "Look Good...Feel Better".  Visit www.cancer.org for more information or to find an ACS location near you.