I Need To Find a New Bartender! These Cocktails Taste Terrible - Round 2 - August 2, 2012

"Something will grow from all this...and it will be me."

Up and at 'em early today. It's the best I have felt in weeks. Pretty odd to think that when I know that Round 2 of chemo is just a few short hours away. I'm in a good mood, but a little anxious today. I worked late last night because in my mind today is Wednesday, August 1st...I missed a project deadline because of my lack of remembering the days and dates. I hate missing deadlines, but I can't change what happened and I stayed up late to get the info in. Fortunately, others forgot. That doesn't make it right, but it makes me remember that we all make mistakes.

I start the day by packing my bag of goodies for my entourage at chemo. A few books, cherry cake donuts, angel cream donut for Chris, candy, CUPCAKES, etc. The bag weighs a ton, but I want to make sure that everyone has treats and reading materials. I get a few hours of work done before I head to my parent's house to pick up Mom. Quick stop in to see the new kitty and then we were on our way. This is my first time going to the Loyola Wheaton location. It is perfectly placed near a Whole Foods, good restaurants, and shopping. We stop at Whole Foods to get additional snacks for the day.

The facility is small and easy to navigate. There are a bunch of Mom's with their kids there to see their doctors and then there's me and my bald head to see my doctor. We were just getting settled to wait when my doctor was walking through the front door. This is the first time she has seen me without hair, but she recognized me right away. A few minutes later I was in with her for my checkup before treatment.

Have I mentioned how much I like my doctor? We truly are partners in all that is happening. We initially spoke about the pain that I was in from the last round and my issues with the port. The decision is made that I will continue with the Neulasta shot and my pain meds will be changed. I'm going to to try Percocet and Claritin D to manage the pain that will come over the next several days. Percocet is a narcotic pain reliever used to treat moderate to severe pain. At this point I am willing to try anything that will keep me from staying in bed for multiple days. I know that I have cancer, I expect to be sick from treatment, but I still want to have a level of quality of life. Once we figure out the meds she does an exam. While sitting on the table I start asking the list of questions that I have been keeping in my notes of my iPhone. First, "when will I be able to have surgery?" She thinks I should be ready for surgery in early December. So, I should have new boobs for Christmas. Next question is "What if chemo isn't working? What if we are leaving the cancer in there and it is growing because chemo isn't doing it's job?" The biggest mind challenge that I am having with my second journey with breast cancer is that I am living with the cancer still in me. Last time I was diagnosed on a Wednesday and the cancer was removed the next Monday. Now I have a large tumor in my left breast and many large lymph nodes. I worry nonstop about this. My breast still hurts and is still large. I know that the chemo is being used to shrink the cancer, but what if it is not working? Will I do additional tests to see what is happening along the way? She understands my concerns. She "gets" me. Her first question for me is "do you feel that it has changed?" I say "no". So she did her exam on me. For a tiny lady she is definitely not gentle. She gets in there and she gets deep to feel all of my breast tissue and lymph nodes on both sides. After she feels my left side she says "You're crazy! It is definitely getting smaller." I have to trust that she knows what she's doing and that her hands are telling the truth. I do trust her, but I don't trust the cancer. We chatted a few minutes longer and then I remembered to tell her that I started my period. Chemo will potentially cause me to go into meneoause, but it hasn't yet. We then talk about the drug that would stop my period, but there is no promise that it would come back. I could hardly say a word at this point and tears were welling up in my eyes. I still have not accepted the fact that I will more than likely lose my fertility for good through this journey. Tears rolled down my face as I told her that I would like to not take the drug and allow everything to happen naturally. Chemo may take my fertility, but I would not be the one to choose a drug that would cause me to lose hope for the possibility of a child in the future. Maybe, just maybe, I will be a Mom someday. I'm 41 years old, I'm not dating anyone, I have cancer, but I cannot give up that hope...I'm not ready to give my fertility to this damn disease. Dr. Robinson grabbed me some tissues and she supports my decision. She also said that I should't give up the possibilities of what the future may hold. She then reminded me that it is important that I do not have the risk of getting pregnant on chemo. I laughed and reminded her that I'm bald and have cancer...not the best combination for dating. I'm not very good at dating when I'm well, it is certainly not on my radar now.

Next she started asking me about my job with the American Cancer Society. She had been involved with our Associate Board before life got to busy with her two kids and she still has a great interest in what we do at ACS. She is mostly interested in fundraising and the acquisition of large donations. She wants to follow someone when they do these asks and she wants to get involved again in the future. I love the fact that she was thinking about this over the past couple of weeks. I like the fact that she is taking interest in my life. I'm not even sure my last oncologist knew my name. I am sure that Dr. Robinson would be a great asset to attend any conversation around raising funds for the fight against cancer.

When I am done meeting with the doctor I go back to the waiting room to collect my things and move my party to the infusion center. Mom is there with Cindi and my sister. Just a party of 4 today. I say my hellos and then I had to ask Cindi to do me a favor. I forgot to bring personal products and need her to run and buy me some. I pull out money and she waves it off. I handed it to her and said "you're not buying my tampons." She laughs and tells me that as my "life partner" she should be able to by my tampons for me. We all laugh and I make her take my money...it would just be weird to have her pay. While she runs to Walgreens we go to the infusion area to get ready for "cocktails". The area is small, but nice. Plenty of room for my entourage, windows that look out to a grassy area and what appears to be a school or daycare playground, a larger tv, a big (somewhat) comfy chair for me, and one chair for my guest. When the nurses see that I have a crowd they immediately start moving things around and adding chairs so we can all be comfy. I started getting items out of my bag for the day. Donuts, drinks, oil for my dry scalp, and the cupcakes that were delivered on Tuesday. Not all the cupcakes...I'm nice, but not stupid. I had to try a couple and leave a couple at home. There were only two others getting chemo when I started and one guest, so Mom offered cupcakes to all of them. I brought cute napkins and plasticware just in case. The nurses and one patient took a cupcake. Thee cupcakes put a smile on their face.

Once we were settled in and had fully taken over the area it was time to get started. Nurse Lisa took my tempeture, blood pressure, gave me Benedryl, etc. She then had to pull the bandages off my port to prepare for chemo. The line is flushed and my first "cocktails" is started...it is just "water"/fluids to prep my system for the "good" stuff. Then Lisa goes to get my chemo that will be the net step.

While my chemo is getting prepared I pulled out a present that needs to be opened. My friend Bonita and her family moved to Utah, but she wanted to be a part of the journey. Last week I received a box full of wrapped boxes with cards attached to them. The main card says the goodie box was designed with me in mind. The box contains one gift for each of my chemo days and one for today. The first that I opened last week is a book that is called "Here's To You". It is a beautiful book with a great note from Bonita inside. How thoughtful of her to put this box together. While I may have opened and rewrapped Christmas gifts as a kid, I will definitely save these gifts to cheer me up along the journey. I love the idea and I know that I will use it some day. Today's card says "Since you can't wear Zara in the kitchen I thought you might enjoy a little something to fancy you up!" Today's chemo surprise is a beautiful apron. I love aprons!! What a great surprise! Thank you, Bonita. You are here in spirit and I appreciate your support. Miss you tons!!

Round #2 with my apron from Bonita!

Cindi gets back to the infusion center and sees me in the apron. She was a little confused until I explained what had happened. We are all sitting around chatting when Cindi and I get a text from Steph.

Steph: How are the cocktails today??!! Missing being there. I hope Cindi decorated as nicely for you." (Steph brought a vase and roses to sit on the table for my first round of chemo)

Cindi: F off!!

Cindi: Here is my centerpiece (she then takes out the box and puts it on the table for a picture)

The centerpiece for Round #2... :)

We were crying laughing at this point. Fotunately, there is a curtain between us and the rest of the crowd. The scene was priceless.

Nurse Lisa came back shortly with my first real "cocktail". She presented the bag like it was a fine bottle of wine. I checked my name, birthdate, and the medicine and simply replied "I don't think this is the cocktail I ordered." She laughed and started attaching the bag and getting me ready to start the second round of drugs. Both of the nurses are really friendly. I think they like my crew and they definitely like the cupcakes. Shortly after I start, my doctor walks through the infusion area. She did a few things and then came over to talk. We were all just sitting and chatting like I wasn't getting poisoned at the same time. We were talking about life. She looked at the cupcakes and asked a lot of questions, but she wouldn't take one...that's why she's skinny! She told us about her kids. An 8 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. She talked about the fact that she doesn't cook or bake, so she has a lot in common with Cindi. She had a great story about ordering in Thanksgiving dinner and her Mother-in-Law thought she made everything. She hung out with us for about 15 minutes. It was great getting to see the "person side" of my doctor. She's 43 and we have things in common. She could probably have been a Diva if we all went to college together!

Mom brought a little bag with her that had foot massage stuff in it. She's obsessed with how gross and dry my feet are. I've workedout barefoot for the past 2.5 years and my feet are beat up from it. So she does a complete foot massage while I'm sitting in the chair getting chemo. The whole thing is kind of strange to me and definitely embarrassing, but it felt pretty good. My doctor isn't crazy about me getting manis and pedis, but somethings will not be negotiable on my end. I'll be safe, go to clean locations, make sure that everything is fresh, etc. Pedis keep me sane! I need to stay sane through this whole thing!

Mom and Chris did a quick lunch run for me. A slice of pizza from Whole Foods. The amount of food that was being eaten in my corner was a little crazy! Donuts, cupcakes, watermelon, pizza and a chicken salad wrap...all by my Mom and sister. Chemo is making me fluffy and it may have the same impact on them if we are not careful. I'll have to pack carrot sticks and celery for round three.

While they were gone I must have went to the bathroom 5 times. Cindi was in disbelief each time I stood to go again and again. Sometimes I would just sit down and get right back up to go. If you know me at all, have gone out to dinner with me, or we've been in a meeting together, you know that this is pretty normal behavior for me. I have a blatter the size of a pea. I've blamed it on the first batch of chemo years ago. I really hope it wasn't from chemo or I may be in trouble when this is all done. I may spend even more time in the bathroom. UGH!! When you go to the bathroom during chemo you have to unplug your IV machine, shuffle over taking everything with you, and then negotiate it all in the bathroom. Same steps in reverse when you come out. Then you plug yourself in and keep going. I'd probably get done with chemo a lot faster if my blatter would cooperate. The sad thing that I notice each trip to the bathroom is that there are two others getting chemo at this point and they are both alone. One lady in her 50's or 60's and a gentleman about the same age. It makes me sad to see that they are there by themselves. I had three people with me. I could have shared. I can't imagine having to sit there by myself. I've had a total of 10 rounds of chemo in my life at this point and my Mom has been by my side each time. I've had 37 rounds of radiation in my life so far and my Mom was in the waiting room each time. WE travel in packs when it comes to my battles with cancer. I'm a very lucky girl.

After we finished eating my Mom went to sit on the couch. Cindi and I were chatting and making plans to meet Kim for dinner later in the evening. The strange thing about the day I get chemo is that I feel pretty good. It takes some time for the medicine to start kicking my butt. I'm texting Kim thinking that I have about an hour left of chemo, we decide to meet at La Mex after 6. Next thing I know, I'm done. The hour that I thought I had was about 5 minutes. To be honest, it all went much faster today. The smaller location is a perfect match for me and my crew.

Once everything is removed and my next 4 steps of appointments are made we head home. The actual infusion part of chemo will only takes 1.5 hours, so this is a very good thing.

2 DOWN...4 TO GO!


I dropped Mom off, visited the kitties, and then headed home to drop some things off before I headed to La Mex. On my counter were beautiful flowers from some my work WE...Staci, Keri, and Mandie. A little something to brighten my day! ;) Again, I have great people in my life.  Another sign of HOPE in my life is literally a sigh that I can hang in my office.  It came from Jennifer and Giada.  They got the idea from Pinterest...I LOVE Pinterest and I LOVE that they took they time to do this project together and gave me the honor of benefiting from their creativity!

Next stop, La Mex with Kim and Cindi. Just a simple night with guac, chips, and a Sprite for me...half price margaritas and I had to order a Sprite. :( Kim needs us tonight and we go when needed. That's what we do when we can...we go when we are needed...we rally the troops. Some times the troops are small, but WE always rally. That's what's great about my girlfriends. One or more are always availble when someone needs a shoulder to lean on, someone to celebrate, someone to help, etc. WE RALLY.

To be honest, it felt great to be needed tonight. Nobody seems to be telling me what challenges they are facing these days and I feel like they are sheltering me. I don't want to be sheltered. I've known the good, the bad, and the ugly for years...cancer should not take that away. I like to be the sounding board. I like to be the one you lean on. I know you feel like you don't want to add things to my plate and you don't want to tell me your struggles, but I need that little bit of normal. I need to be the same friend that I have always been to you. I need you to trust that your lives are important to me and cancer will NEVER change that.

XOXO,

S

A little extra HOPE from Jennifer & Giada!  So sweet!  Thanks!  ;)

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.

Posted with Blogsy