I Lost My Hair. Not My Sense of Humor! - September 30, 2012

"I don't want to get to the end of life and find that I just lived the length of it.  I want to have lived the width of it as well."

September 30, 2012

Twelve years ago today I found a lump in my right breast. An odd thing to think about as I'm in bed this morning. I remember the day easily. It was a Saturday and the first day of a week long vacation. College homecoming with the girls and a fun week planned. I rolled over that morning and had a pain in my breast. Then I felt the lump. I knew that minute that it wasn't good, but I had no idea of the changes that would happen after that moment. A life changing event. I called my parents and they stopped by. I often joke that you know you are in trouble when you let your dad feel your breast to see if he feels a lump. Strange, but true. Mom felt it first and couldn't tell if there was something there. So, I had my dad feel it. It is surreal to think about how much has changed in twelve years and yet it is still the same in many ways. Cancer was in my life that day and it hasn't really left the building.

I may have bit off more than I could chew yesterday, but I don't regret a second of it. Morning came and I try to stay in bed a little longer to get some rest. Today should be interesting because Joy has offered to do a photo shoot for me. I sent her a picture that I wanted to have taken and she sent back a bunch of great ideas. She is much more creative than I am. I've embraced being bald and simply wanted a picture to keep. I didn't embrace it the last time, but twelve years have changed that.

The shoot will take place at Jeff and Cindi's. They have a beautiful property and Joy has taken many family pictures there, so she knows it well. As for me, I have no idea of what to expect, what to bring, how to pose, etc. I drive Cindi crazy with texts trying to figure it all out. We literally set the plan today so I have not had time to really prepare. Cindi gives me a few ideas of what to bring, but pretty much just tells me to bring "things that make me feel pretty." That is easier said than done! The last time I felt "pretty" was when I saw the pictures that Joy took from the head shaving party. I'm not saying that I haven't felt like I look ok most of the time. I was a lovely shade of grayish yellow the last time around, so I'm happy that my skin tone still looks healthy. It is amazing what concealer and lipstick can do, but knowing that I am sick doesn't allow me to feel like I look like myself. "Pretty" may not be the right choice of words, but it is the one that regularly comes to mind. I've been on treatment and bald for almost three months. "Pretty" seems like a lifetime ago and a lifetime away.

There is time for a nap in the afternoon because Joy likes the evening light. If I could only get my eyes to stop running! After the nap I iron clothes, pack half my closet, and put on makeup. One good thing about being bald is that I get ready quickly. I'm not feeling great, but I am excited to see what will come out on the other side of the camera. We turn the pool house into a dressing room and Cindi starts taking a look at what I brought. Then Joy arrives with jewelry and clothing in tow. I just keep reapplying my eyeliner because of my watery eyes and worry that there is no way that I will look good in any pictures.

Cindi and Joy are a great pair! They have fun ideas and have probably put a lot more thought in to this than I have. Mostly because I don't know what to think. Clearly, I should have paid more attention to the America's Next Top Model marathons that I have lost hours of my life to over the years!!! I was as awkward as can be. They have to tell me what to wear, how to move, what to do, etc. And I must say that being a "model" is not as glamorous as one would think. No fancy sets, no wind blown through my hair, or any of the stuff that Tyra gives her girls. And more than two hours of trying to look good for pictures was exhausting!!! Probably more tiring for Joy and Cindi because I am clueless. Fortunately, they were pros. I actually wish that we had a video of the time. It is all comical in my mind. You all would see that I cannot process directions, Cindi and Joy pose in the way that they want me pose, the lighting inside was Cindi holding a table top lap minus the shade, some of the clothes were Cindi's (she's a size 2...petite), I couldn't lift my arms in the jacket so Cindi had to put Zara on my head, I was scolded for wearing plaid cotton VS underwear, my eyes and nose watered the entire time, and I was pretty much a deer in the headlights! 
Joy is a complete genius with her trade of taking pictures! More importantly, I was 100% comfortable with being exposed and vulnerable for the pictures. Joy and Cindi made it all work! Yet again, I cannot begin to thank Joy enough for allowing me this opportunity! I don't think that I would have done it with anyone else. I would not have trusted any others.

Jeff was cooking while we were taking over the house for pictures. I stayed for dinner and got to hear all about the upcoming school play. Luke is going to be Col. Mustard in Clue. The best part is that he wants to explain the entire play, but we all grew up with the movie and the game. We steal his thunder. ;) Dates are in my calendar and I look forward to seeing him on stage.

Exhausted and happy! Heading to bed. Looking forward to seeing the pictures!

XOXO,


S

To see some of Joy's great work please visit her website http://findingjoyphotography.com/

I was looking for a "#12" to post.  I found this instead and it made me laugh!  :)

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