Hello. If you know me well, you know that I hate to admit defeat and I really don't give up. Well, I'm throwing in the towel on 15 days of blogging. I started the blog late in my journey and while I have put a huge effort into catching up, it just isn't happening. So, I have decided to do some brief highlights of the days and I will fill them in when time and energy allow me to do so. I keep detailed notes about most days and my memory isn't completely shot. I know that I will miss thanking someone or posting an important picture, but I think it is time to get you all up to date on the journey. More importantly, it is time for me to stop pressuring myself to get it all written down on here. I hope you understand.
Saturday, September 15 - I stopped by Pam and Rob's to return her dish from the mac n cheese and deliver flowers for her birthday. They have both been so kind during this time. I then visited with Natalie and Penny at TMMA. There were so many new faces in the class, but a few will familiar. It was great to see all of them and get caught up with Miss Natalie and her health challenges. We text often, but I haven't seen her lately. She's my favorite ninja! I then had to run some errands. While shopping I picked out a Bears Crucial Catch t-shirt and headed out the door after I paid. Before I had a chance to leave a man stopped to ask where I found the shirt. It was in an odd location so I sad that I would walk him back to the area. As we walked he introduced himself as Adam and his son as Zack. He explained that his Mom is currently battling breast cancer and she loves the Bears. As we approached the section he He asked if he could pray for me. I said absolutely! I then asked his Mom's name and said I would do the same for her. A simple encounter that perked me up. Thank you, Adam. I will pray for Carol and her family. There seems to be so much power in prayer these days. Prayers that have embraced my life. My next stop is at a football game for Max and all the boys. Flag football. Later, WE made a game time decision to have dinner at Heroes...me, Steph and Cindi. Simple day and beautiful weather! Today is also the first day that I feel like my tumor is shrinking. I don't know why today is the day, but I am in bed and it just feels different. My body hurts, my brain is tired, but my breast feels smaller.
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| A ninja for Miss Natalie |
Monday, September 17 - I am off work and not feeling great from chemo. The Monday after seems to hit me the hardest. I meet Jenn for lunch. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. It is great to see her, but I wish the circumstances were much different. I ran back to Dick's after lunch to pick up a little something. The guy at the register recognized me from Saturday. I laughed and said that "it must be the scarf." He simply said "no, it's your smile!" Ohhhhh, Mike... You may have called me ma'am, but you still made my day. When I arrived home I see that another friend from my former Young Survivors Support Group has had another diagnosis with breast cancer. I HATE THIS DISEASE! Kim gave me a massage tonight. Mush needed for my stressed out and sore body. Thank you Kim and Thank you Mary Jane for the certificate.
Tuesday, September 18 - Worked all day. Feeling beat up from fatigue and treatment. My legs HURT. So do other areas but I think some are from stress and others from age. I have a special delivery of cherry cake donuts from Gina! She made my day. We chatted for a bit and laughed a ton. I don't know what I would do without my girls! Kim and I also have a long talk on the phone. Early to bed with a sore throat, the heat on, and my guy Frank at my side.
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| Napping with Frank |
Wednesday, September 19 - I'm heading to the ACS IL Division Leadership Summit today. It is a yearly training that my team conducts for volunteers and staff across the state. I will be at the hotel until Saturday night. Four days of a lot of people, a ton of work, and too many germs. On my way to the hotel I stop to get blood work in Wheaton to see how my white cell counts are. Mary Kay puts me in the 2nd chair...yikes! This can't be good and it is off my routine. We had a lot of complications with the port and I had to cough, raise my arms, turn my head, lean forward, stand up, get extra medicine added, etc. in order for the blood to be drawn. Finally I raised both arms in the air and it worked. Odd, but true. I waited for the results...they were NOT good. My white cells are well under 1000. Not good at all. It simply means that I cannot fight off disease. Ohhh...did I mention that there will be between 400 and 600+ people at the event over the next 4 days? I'm sure they will all be well. Dr. Robinson and Jackie know where I am going and it is decided that I would get a delivery of Neupogen delivered to my hotel. I will get daily shots, avoid hugs & touching, and try my best to not encounter germs. I made it to the hotel and did my best to give 110% to what needed to be done, but I really was feeling terrible. I am having a difficult time holding conversations and staying focused. I went to bed much earlier that I ever have at Summit, but I have high hopes that I will feel better tomorrow. On a great note...Mandie brought me cupcakes and she managed to add in a Cardinal cupcake! That perked me up a bit and I ate a cupcake around 1 AM....s'mores!
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| What I should wear all weekend at Summit, but it wasn't bedazzled enough. |
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| The Cup cupcakes from Mandie. Delish! |
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| A prayer quilt from Judy. It was made for her mom when she battled cancer. |
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| Zara's replacement????? |
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| S'mores cupcake eaten in bed |
Thursday, September 20 - Today is Staff Day at Summit. I was sick during the night. I haven't vomited much during treatment, but I did around 3 AM. Not a good start to a long day. We are up very early setting up the room. Traci Johnson gives me my shot. All of the staff from the state are in for a meeting/training. So many new faces that I should get to know, but I am just feeling rough and only meet a few. It is good to see old friends and so many of my Work WE in the same room. I wish I was my "normal" self today, but no such luck. We had to breakdown the room and move all of the items for Friday's training. In the middle of the move I was in the bathroom getting sick again. Still not good. I did my best to get things done and then I headed to bed. Cupcake eaten around 2 Am - peach cobbler...OMG!
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| Peach cobbler cupcake..DELISH. |
Friday, September 21 - This is a big one...I'll feel it in later...
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| Staci laughing hysterically. I wish I had this rant on video. |
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| Day time scarf. Relay purple |
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| Night time scarf with a little bling. |
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| Part of a poem read by an amazing speaker,Tracey. |
Saturday, September 22 - I can barely get out of bed this morning. I ache, feel terrible, have tears in my eyes, and I know that I have been defeated. I am up early and pack all of my stuff. I know that I will be leaving this morning. We still have about 11 hours to go until the event is wrapped up, but my body has decided that it will not continue. Traci gives me my shot and then I go and tell Staci that I will be leaving when Jacki is done speaking. She is a friend and I do not want to miss her on stage. When Jacki was done we talked for a few minutes. She simply said "how are you really doing?" I cried. I usually say "ok", "hanging in there", "doing fine"..but nobody asks "how are you REALLY doing?". The fact is that today I am doing REALLY BADLY today. So I stay and then I say my goodbyes to a couple of people and sneak out the door. I hate that I cannot complete something that is so important to me and I hope that I did not let others down. I technically should not have gone to Summit, but it was important to me. It was good for my soul, but bad for my body. I spent more time saying "I'm sorry I can't hug."...I'm finally wanting to hug people and I can't. I think a few people were offended, but I hope that someday they will understand. I was in bed by by 11:30 AM and stayed there.
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| Me and Jacki after she spoke. Go CATS! |
Sunday, September 23, - I get up early and heard to Station 5 to have Eric give me my shot. He has a cold, so I don't stay long. He is not only great at doing shots, but he is AMAZING at giving shots. Maybe my arm is numb, but I did not feel the needle at all. Well done! He must have gotten an A in the class on giving shots! XOXO. I stopped by Jackson's game. It is a crisp fall day, so the fresh air is good for me. Plus, I would either be in bed or sitting doing nothing. It is a quick game and I plan on staying for Henry's game (Suzanne and Bill's son, not my cat), but his game is cancelled. So I head home and put a ham in the oven. Nap, cooking, eating, sleep...and a Hallmark Channel Murder Mystery Day.
Monday, September 24 - I'm up early writing a letter to the staff that will be attending a meeting this week in the ACS South Atlantic Division. Katie had asked me to come and speak to them, but I can't travel and I really can't speak about my story. So a letter seems to be the next best option. Eric stops by after his shift and gives me another shot...still AMAZING...I really can't feel it go in. He must have aced the EMT test on giving shots. I work the rest of the day, but I am sick to my stomach most of it. I am willing myself not to vomit and it is not going well. I call Nurse Jackie and let her know that I have been "shorted" a shot so I have to go into Homer tomorrow and I also let her know that I feel like I have the flu. She is very concerned. I cannot help but regret my decision to go to Summit. I can't change it, but in my heart I know I made a mistake. I just hope it is not a mistake that will throw my schedule off with chemo. I'm running a low grade fever, exhausted, sick to my stomach, eating saltines, etc...off to bed.
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| Frank must not be feeling well. He stayed in bed most of the day and he knows that he is not allowed on the sheets. |
Tuesday, September 25 - Up early to head to Naturally Yours to get Zara fitted. She needs to be taken in, steamed, trimmed, etc. I have just worn her straight out of the box, but it is starting to get cold so I want her to fit properly. I arrive before they open and walk into the Dunkin Donuts to get a bottle of water. I walked in bald. It felt like the entire place stopped. This DD was full of men that appear to be in their 60s & 70s. You would think that I walked in naked. They all stopped to stare and take a look at me and my bald melon. AWKWARD. Mind you, from the looks of their hairlines, or lack there of, they see bald every time they look in the mirror. I wish society was more accepting of bald because I certainly embrace it and love it on men! I had a little pep in my step when I left the DD because I just gave them something to talk about. :) Amy spend a long time getting Zara beautiful and then I head back home for work and calls. For "lunch" I go to the Homer location to get my seventh and last Neupogen shot. There are so many new faces here today. Craig comes over and takes my temperature and blood pressure. I'm still running a low grade fever. Then a nurse I have never seen comes over to work with me. She brings my shot and the she asks how I have been feeling. I fill her in on all of the challenges that I have been having..fever, vomiting, nausea, aches, unmentionables, etc. Well, that changes the plans quickly. The shot is put on hold and it is time to do all kinds of tests. Heart rate - laying, sitting, standing. Listening to my lungs, deep breathing, quick breaths. And then a CBC. Oh wait...they can't get my port to work, again. It takes stuff in, but it doesn't let blood out. Nurse Patty is called over to help Nurse Iesha. We do all the stuff that I did last week to try to get my port to work and then we do even more. Nothing is working. It is flushed over and over again to try to clear the flap that is potentially causing the problems. Then they decide to use Cathflo (port liquid plumber) to clear the way. Patty puts the fluid into me and then I have to wait 30 minutes for it to do its job. Finally, we are able to get blood and do the CBC. I wait additional time for that. My counts are not great, but they are not terrible. I am a little dehydrated. I get my final shot. Nurse Jackie wants to see me on Friday to make sure that I am doing ok for chemo next week. I guess it is a good thing that I am not working Friday. Home to work. Later I text Cindi to get a reality check on the possibilities of cancer being in my bones. I know the pain is most likely from the shots, but my mind is going crazy. She calms me down and then gets a little mushy on me. I ask if she's been drinking. :) She then reminds me that I will be done with chemo one month from today. A reminder that I needed! Off to bed with Ambien in hand. I need sleep. I did get a fantastic gift today from Jennifer Crowne today...a box of dental supplies that will help with my mouth sores, throat sores and dry mouth! I've never been so excited to see a tooth brush! I will now retire the Disney Princess toothbrush that I have been using! It was like opening the best Christmas gift ever! THANK YOU! My night ended with a text from Steph. The boys got new bats today...pink bats in my honor. Max, Dolan and Jackson each have one for October. Jackson's is green and pink, Maxwell went with pink and black, and Dolan went 100% pink! I love those boys!
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| Me stuck at the infusion center trying to get my port to work and see if I am feeling well enough for my shot. |
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| At least Murder, She Wrote was on. |
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| An amazing goodie box to help with my dry mouth, throat sores and mouth stores! |
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| Note from Jen that was included in the box. |
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| The boys' baseball bats for October! So sweet. |
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| Flowers from my Daddy. |
Wednesday, September 26 - Busy day at work and I am actually feeling pretty good. I accomplished a lot last night and things are flowing nicely today. A few conference calls, exciting partnership news, etc. A call with HR to figure out what I need to do to go on extended FMLA for my surgery that is scheduled for December 12. It looks like I will not be spending my recovery on an exotic island because you can't leave the state while on FMLA. I laugh at this because I really can't picture my bald head and "new boobs" sitting on a beach sipping fruity cocktails with a little umbrella. Bad visual. It will be strange to be off work for 6 weeks, but my body will need to heal. Speaking of bad visuals...it is a beautiful day today. I have the doors and windows open and I'm sitting and working and I see a man walk up to my door. It is too late for me to hide and avoid being seen because we made eye contact. Fortunately, I had pants on. So I have to go and answer the door. Picture if you will...bald, no makeup, dark circles, a orange and white striped v-neck t-shirt and hot pink and light pink leopard print pajama bottoms, and watery eyes from the Taxotears...lookin' good! So I open the door and it is Larry Walsh Jr. waling the precinct as he is running for Senate. We chatted for a few seconds and I mentioned that I know his Dad and he has always been a great supporter of Relay. Larry Jr piped in that he was at the Relay this year and I pointed at my head and said "so was I" and laughed. He didn't know what to say. The entire encounter was awkward and uncomfortable. He seemed a little shocked by the whole situation and his friend standing on the sidewalk down the stairs was just watching the show. Fortunately the conversation didn't last long. He handed me his information and then went to shake my hand. I quickly apologized and said that I'm avoiding germs and can't shake his hand. Awkward again. I wonder how many other bald chicks answered the door for him today.
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| Just a little idea of what my attire looked like when I answered the door...yikes! |
Thursday, September 27 - TOUGH DAY! I have a hard time getting out of bed and I am feeling overall shitty. I worked a couple of hours and then crawled under the covers for the day. Nap...flipping channels...nap. Then a few nice texts, emails and FB posts about the letter that I wrote for the SA Division staff meeting. A simple thank you for fighting cancer each and every day. And a reminder to always give 110% because so many people need them. We are in the business of saving lives. No pressure. ;) I received a very kind note from Rachel in the SA Division...it made my crappy day so much better...
"Hi Sue! You do not know me but I am a Sr. CM in GA. We watched your video today at
the training and I had to msg you! You're truly an inspiring young woman with a fight like
no other! I will be praying for you and your family through your treatment. Please know
you have a HUGE family in the ACS. Best wishes and keep that amazing attitude of yours."
Friday, September 28 - I was wide awake at 1:30 AM...ugh!! My insomnia appears to be getting worse with this battle. I was up reading emails and came across the Brave Girls Club daily email that I receive. It is a reminder that it is ok to take a break sometimes...
I fell back asleep for a little while and then headed to Homer to get a check-up. Dr. Robinson and Nurse Jackie want to make sure that the bug I was fighting this week will not impact me scheduled treatment for next week. If I wasn't feeling better I would have had to go on an antibiotic, but luckily the bug appears to be leaving my system. Jackie was telling me about her daughter and that they are getting ready for the Justin Bieber concert. So Jenna has been on the hunt for a perfect outfit to meet her dream man. :) She's 9. Much of the outfit was purchased at Charming Charlie's....ohhhh how that place haunts me.
Back home to work for the rest of the day and then dinner at Truth with Jeff and Cindi. I decided that Zara would join me. It seems like a good idea until a few minutes into dinner when I was getting overheated. I literally thought I was going to pass out a couple of times. I was in a fog for most of the evening. But it was good to see Kate, Kimo, Kelly, and all the friendly faces at one of my favorite places in town.
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