Cancer & Cupcakes...well, maybe a little more cancer than cupcakes these days.: Hey, Sweet Cheeks! - September 11

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." - Caroline Myss

I bet you're wondering how my day started...remember, it is Ground Hog Day and I start with a shot at Amy's. It's the last of seven days of shots!!! WHOO HOO! My arm hurts and I am sure that Amy wants her mornings back. Amy & Don, I cannot thank you enough for giving me the shots and allowing me to stay close to home. Your support is greatly appreciated. I'm lucky to have you all in my life!

My day is spent working. My night is spent working. I literally worked until 11 PM. A long day with so much to do, but still no place close to being done with all that needs to be done. To say the least I am exhausted. I did have a little piece of happy today when I received a cute cupcake apron from an old college friend, Michelle. It was a much needed piece of joy today. And it is always great to have a Spiritline connection! Thanks, Michelle for making me smile! XOXO

Other things that happened today were not pieces of happy. Cancer reared its ugly head again. My friend Barb began her cancer story over 14 years ago and is now writing a new chapter in her cancer journey. What we had feared, she found out has happened. Earlier test results are in and they are positive for adenocarcinoma cancer cells. She is stunned and so are all of those that love Barb. She has an amazing strength about her and is her own best advocate. She is confident in partnering with her doctors and pushing forward when tests are needed. I am shocked at the results. I truly had hoped that she had a terrible cold or bad allergies. The outcome is not what I had expected in my heart, but Barb had given me enough details that it is probably what I had expected in my mind. Cancer is picking on another woman that was diagnosed too early! Cancer is attacking part of my work WE. Barb works each day to fight a disease that just won't stop fighting her. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers to Iowa.

If one cancer battle isn't enough, I find that one of the kindest ladies that I had the pleasure of working with at ACS is coming to the end of her battle with the disease. Lois, LoLo as I always called her, is in the care of hospice and her family is having to say their goodbyes to a wife, mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, friend...She just posted on my wall within the past coupe of weeks. How did things turn so quickly? Lois had a shorter battle with cancer because it came on too strong and too fast. LoLo was a part of my work WE that retired to spend time with her best friend and love of her life, Don. They had the kind of love that we can all only hope for. LoLo spent years working to fight the disease that eventually took her life. My heart breaks for Don her husband of 51 years, her four children, the grand kids, LoLo's sister Judy that always came by the office to visit, and all of the rest of her family.

Tears poured from my eyes tonight because of the pain that cancer is causing people that I care about. Tears of sadness, anger, and fear. Tears that will not heal my heart. I simply hate what cancer can do.

Morning comes and I can honestly say that I am still emotional about yesterday. I didn't get up and start the day with fresh eyes. Instead my day starts through eyes with tears and a heavy dose of stress from work. I pack up my computer and decide to work closer to the Loyola Homer location because I need to get my blood work done for chemo tomorrow. I have breakfast and work. Make calls and have a conference call. I thought I had pulled myself out of the sadness and headed to Loyola for blood work. When I arrived I was immediately targeted as being in a bad place by one of the nurses. I didn't have on very much makeup, I had little sleep, I was moving slowly, my heart hurts for my friends...yes, I am in a bad place, but I am doing the best to hold myself together. I can honestly say that I felt like she was jumping to conclusions about things that she does not know. She brought up the fact that I was crying last Friday when I was her, but she must have forgotten that I cried because I was telling the story about my Dad coming to chemo and I was crying tears of joy. She also had tears in her eyes. She scolded me for being in pain and not calling the doctor. I felt as though I was being "attacked" for no reason. She pulled the curtain and started suggesting that I should "talk to Dr. XXX" who is a psychiatrist because I need help through this and I am depressed. She just keeps going at me about things and I am sitting in the chair with tears rolling down my face. I am 100% defensive! To be honest I am crying because of my day, but I am also crying because she has an opinion about my life when she does not know the details. I am crying because I'm pissed off at her. I AM in a good place mentally. Sure, I do have tears of joy and sadness. And maybe I cry more than I would if I were well. BUT I am stronger now than I have ever been in my life. I am in control of cancer, cancer does not control me. She is questioning my mind and that is the one thing that I think I have going in my favor with this battle. Well...it didn't stop there. She decides that I should talk to the chaplain and sends him into my station. Seriously?!?! Whatever happened to having respect for a person's choice? Why wasn't I asked if I wanted to speak with someone or if I wanted to pray? Why would her religious beliefs be sent in my direction? So here comes a nice man in an orange short sleeved shirt, a tie, and a bible in his hand. He then proceeds to talk to me, my tears grow stronger from being upset, and the situation is a complete disaster. I cried when he came in and continued to cry after he left. They chose to make assumptions about my life and chose to impose on my life today. They never chose to understand why I am crying. YES, I am having a shitty day. YES, my entire life revolves around cancer. YES, a friend heard bad news yesterday. YES, another friend is dying from the disease. YES...I am crying and the reality is that I have every right to cry and be upset with the situation that I am in.

I simply told her that I would appreciate if the chaplain not be sent in again. I have been dealing with my "issues" with God over the years and I certainly do not want to face them with a stranger or face them because a nurse who hardly knows me thinks I should. I understand that her intentions were good and she has been one of my favorites through this process. The Loyola Homer location has been a cheerful place for me until today. I actually enjoy going there. I'm always cheerful when I walk in the door. Today I feel like my "happy place" was taken from me. In a short period of time it went from a place that I trust to a place that I will dread walking into again.

Nurse Jackie came over, pulled the curtain and was comforting. She listened to me and I think she understands my situation. The reality is that my life revolves around cancer. I work for the American Cancer Society, I know people that are newly diagnosed, friends that have recurrence, and friends that are dying from cancer...I have cancer. There's no way to step away from the disease. I don't get to go to work and forget about the fact that I have cancer. I can't look in the mirror without seeing it. I can't get away from the pain it causes.

My white counts are okay for treatment tomorrow. I cry out of frustration on my way home. I worry what they will tell my doctor. And I worry about the fact that I will have to ALWAYS wear a smile and have pep in my step every time that I walk in the door again. Regardless of my true feelings I will have to fake it so that my mind is not questioned. I felt safe there before today. It just saddens me that the situation took place and that it was spearheaded by someone who I truly like and respect. Maybe it was just a bad morning for both of us. I know that I will get over it and forgive soon, but today is tough.

I worked the rest of the day and had some great "wins" at work. I needed good things to happen today. I needed my mood to change. I then head over to pick up cupcakes for tomorrow's round of chemo. These cupcakes were given to me by Stephanie Lazarikos and baked by "Hey, Sweet Cheeks" which is owned by Betsy Barnett-Schreiber and her mom. Both Stephanie & Betsy are from high school. The dogs greet me and Mrs. Barnett invites me into their home. They live on a great wooded lot that is off the beaten path in Joliet. A perfect location to get away from the hustle and bustle of life. Betsy and her Mom have been gracious enough to make turtle brownie cupcakes that I will take to treatment and share with all of the others. They look AMAZING!

The evening is spent at Jeff and Cindi's with carryout from La Mex...just what the doctor ordered!
Bad day + some of my favorite people + some of my favorite food = a day that ended well.
Luke comes home and talks nonstop. I am laughing at how much he has grown, how mature he is getting, and how quickly he is speaking. He has really come out of his shell over the years. He's telling us all about the upcoming school play "Clue" where he has his biggest part to date. He's going to be Colonel Mustard. And he proceeds to explain the play as though we have never heard of it and as though I didn't grow up playing the game. He cracks me up. Cindi is still worried about me and germs, but I remind her that my white counts are so high I could probably lick the floor at Walmart and be safe! Don't worry...NO CHANCE that will ever happen. We end the evening with a cupcake and the are AMAZING! Thank you, Hey, Sweet Cheeks! http://heysweetcheeks.com/

Home with more work to do and then bed. I really need to sleep tonight. BUT, I had a delivery from my Work WE in West Virginia!!! Homemade chocolate chip cookies that are delish! No need to comment about my challenges with the nurse. I really like her and I know that tomorrow is another day...

Sleep well!

XOXO,

S