October 4, 2012
Have you ever set yourself up to fail? Or decided that you are probably going to have a bad day even before that day arrives? I made the decision when I first received my chemo schedule and I noticed the date. I put it in my head that today would be a tough day. Probably not the smartest choice, but my decision nonetheless. I guess I can't really go back on that now. So, I started my day at 1 AM. I'm wide awake. Mostly because I'm sweaty from all the changes that are continuing to happen to my body because of chemo. I couldn't easily fall back asleep because today is an emotional day. Today should be my cancerversary. I should be celebrating 12 YEARS of being cancer free. I feel like I have been robbed of that celebration.
At approximately 11 AM on October 4, 2000 cancer officially entered my life. I was 29 and shocked to say the least. I went to St. Joe's and had a needle biopsy done by Dr. Marshall. The pathologist was in the room and immediately took the slides to be analyzed. My parents and I sat in a small hallway waiting to hear the results. To be honest I really think that day we had fooled ourselves into thinking that it was nothing. We were sitting and talking about where we would go to lunch. We decided on Heroes & Legends and talked about their burgers. A family hanging out and waiting for news that would be simple and life would quickly move on to lunch. Two parents who's biggest concern was that their daughter didn't go to church enough. Me who was on vacation and had spent the past few days getting my first mammogram, blood work, etc. The mood changed quickly when Dr. Marshall came into the hallway and said "let's go back into the room." I stood up and started walking in. She then said "Mom and Dad why don't you join us." My heart sank. I knew the news couldn't be good if she invited my parents in. I sat on the table, Mom on my left, Dad straight ahead of me and Dr. Marshall on my right. She said "it looks like cancer." I said "does it look like cancer or is it cancer?" She said "it's cancer." My response was "am I going to have to lose my hair?" She responded "you don't have to." My second question was "am I going to die?" She again responded "you don't have to." The truth was that it was too early in the diagnosis to have solid answers. I think the thing I remember most is looking at my Dad with a look on my face that said "fix this. you fix everything, so you can fix this." There's no "fixing this" My life forever changed on that beautiful fall day in 2000. I called Bryan on my way out of the hospital and then called Steph. I sat in the car and talked but was in complete shock. That night we had a planned dinner with all my girls. Eight of us at a round table in the middle of La Mex. We ate, laughed, enjoyed margaritas, and as the night came to an end I told the group that I had cancer. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. October 4, 2000 changed my carefree life forever. My parents' lives changed. My family and friends' lives changed.
For the past 11 years I have taken Oct. 4 off of work to spend the day reflecting on my journey and counting my blessings. Celebrating my life in my own way. It is always a mellow day, but a great day. It typically started with breakfast at Egg Harbor and then shopping at Von Maur. I know, I'm a creature of some habits! I'd always go on the look for something special that reminded me how far I have come, but only bought a few things over the years. A couple of cute pairs of shoes and my splurge of Prada sunglasses four years ago...I still wear them and I'm attached to them because of what they symbolize. Scratches and all, but they represent a milestone. The day has always been spent alone. Not that I didn't want others to share in my celebration, but because I needed to have a solid understanding of how life has changed. Cancer is the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.
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| Don't forget to count your blessings! We all have so many. |
I started today in a funk and did a half-assed attempt to prepare for chemo and pull myself together for the day. Gina had dropped off a ring that says HOPE and gave me a card that said the following:
Sue -
Hope promotes belief in a positive outcome. While I had hoped we would be celebrating 12 years of being cancer free, we celebrate you and the strength, bravery and courage you exhibit and inspire in others. After today you will be more than half way through this part of the journey. I hope you know I am so proud of you. Love you,
Gina
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| Hope ring from Gina. |
I also received a text from Kim that really hit me hard.
Kim - In 2024 we WILL get the chance to celebrate your 12 year anniversary. And it will be BIG!! Love, u, XOXO
Me - Thanks. Love you.
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| 2010 - Celebrating 10 years of being cancer free with Kim. |
Then a text from Stephanie:
Steph - Yippee!! 5th of 6 today!!! Can't believe it!! Ur my hero...Remember that!!! And more importantly how much I luv ya!!! XOXO (lips - lips - lips emoticons) The light is finally brighter at the end of the tunnel!!! (thumbs up - start - smilie face with hearts for eyes emoticons)
Me - I couldn't do it without you!
Steph - YOU r doing it all! I just have the honor of being a part of your life! Thank you for making me a better person. Take that cocktail like a shot today! Lets get on to the final one! That's MY big day that I've been waiting for! (thumbs up - goofy smilie face emoticons)
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| I need the economy to be fixed soon!! |
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| Light at the end of the tunnel |
Tears ran down my face with all the messages. Some were tears of sadness that cancer is again in my life. More were tears of love for the amazing friends that I have. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to have these women care for me and love me like family. I may have cancer, but I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.
I picked up Mom and we did our pre-chemo stop at Whole Foods. I think they are getting used to seeing my bald melon in the store. Mom always starts with a sample of the juice that they have in the produce section. Then we head to the bakery and stock up. I'm afraid I don't have enough cupcakes to share so we buy a couple of boxes of pink ribbon mini cupcakes that they have on hand. I just want to make sure that all of the nurses, patients, and their families are offered cupcakes. Thursdays are busy at the treatment center. We then head to the center. I run into Judy in the waiting room. She and I have been on the same schedule since my first round. She has a big smile on her face and tells me she's been reading the blog...GULP!!! I worry that I have said something that may have offended her and that is the last thing that I would want to do. I have written that I worried that she was at the office and had to get treatment on her own. She assures me that she has never actually been alone. My assumptions were wrong. She laughs and does not appear to be upset with me. Huge relief!!! Note to self...Judy can have as many cupcakes as she wants today!! Note to Judy...you are a special lady!
The first person that I see in the office is Nurse Jacque (yes, I've been spelling her name wrong this entire blog! I knew is a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to change it). Jacque was having a "blueberry day" yesterday...her term, not mine. She even dressed in blue. I adore her even more because she has referenced Violet Beuregarde! Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was one of my favorites growing up! Old school...not the Johnny Depp one! So I decided to get her a blueberry muffin to make sure that she is not having a "blueberry day" today! She laughs. She then takes all my stats, realizes that I am gaining weight (UGH!!), and prepares me to meet with the doctor.
I then meet with Dr. Robinson. She says hello and then says "we have a decision to make". Not a great way to start a conversation. She's concerned about my blood counts and worried that they are just staying too low for me to continue to take the last two rounds of chemo. My heart sank. While four rounds are protocol we decided on six rounds at the beginning. The concern all along has been that my body won't be able to handle so many rounds. I explain that I can't understand why I am having a much harder time with this battle than the last. Dr. Robinson tells me that my body remembers all of the rounds and that technically it feels like my body has had 12 rounds at this point. Eight rounds in 2000/2001 and four rounds now. Makes sense to me, but it still doesn't solve our dilemma. The decision needs to be made. Do I continue round 5 and shoot for round 6, or do we decide that 4 rounds will be enough. I don't skip a beat on this decision. I WILL be doing 6 rounds of chemo and we need to figure out how to get my body to be strong enough to handle the last two. We continue the conversation and discuss the need of additional Neupogen shots. :( I just can't get away from all of the shots. I could take Neulasta tomorrow, but I have plans this weekend that I just don't want to ignore. Plus, I have had much better results on Neupogen. She is going to look at the data, discuss with some peers, and decide the quantity of shots that I will receive. I'll find out while getting chemo. We next discuss radiation. I'm not 100% sold on the need for radiation. I have done a ton of research and the data is not all adding up to me. Do I definitely need radiation after surgery or is it simply something that seemed needed in the past but does not have proven results? My body and mind have been through so much. Maybe five plus weeks of radiation are not needed. She is going to talk with the tumor board and see their thoughts. I look forward to hearing the answer. I will do ANYTHING to prevent cancer from returning in the future, but I want to make sure that what I do is actually adding to prevention. As she goes into the exam we have our continued conversation about the fact that I fear the cancer has gone to my bones because of the constant pain in my ribs. A fear that I just can't seem to get away from. A fear that causes me to regularly text Cindi to assure me that cancer is not spreading. She's married to a doctor, so she should know all the answers. :) We then decide that I will have the full array of scans in November. Post treatment, but pre-surgery. The pain should be coming from chemo and the shots, but they are also causing many sleepless nights. I look forward to seeing the results of the tests. I need to know that the drugs have done their job! I need to know that the last several months have been worth the journey.
Next stop..Round 5 of chemo. For someone who wasn't prepared today I have a lot of crap with me. It's like I "move in" to the infusion room each time I arrive. Thankfully, "my chair" is waiting for me!! Mom and I get settled. Then Chris arrives, Dad arrives, and Cindi arrives. My family WE is amazing. Cindi knows I'm anxious about this technically being my 12 year cancerversary, but she has chosen not to mention it. I love her for that! She knows me well and knows that today is tough. Cindi did not walk in empty handed. In fact she has a bunch of stuff for me:
Flowers - beautiful pink and white daisies! They are fantastic and have a PERFECT button on them.
Donuts - a DOZEN cherry cake donuts! Yikes!
Card - "From your drinking WE!" Kevin & Aaron
Too funny! Love those boys!
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| This about sums it up! |
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| Cherry cake donuts! |
Then she had the centerpieces : )
VODKA!!! - Yes! Somebody FINALLY got my "cocktail" right. I've been asking for the IV to be filled with a dirty martini since my first round.
Halloween decoration - a cute sign that says "Some of my best friends are...WITCHES!" LOVE IT!
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| FINALLY!!! My "cocktail" is correct! |
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| So many gifts today at chemo. They thought it was my birthday! |
I was a little surprised to see my Dad at chemo today and he brought roses that will soon be planted in my yard. I have the best gardener ever...my Dad! Why I'm surprised he's here today is because he should be planting tulips. For the past 11 years my Dad has planted tulips in my yard on October 4. He has taken a day that changed our lives and acknowledges it with tulips each year. Apparently he is already done planting the tulips! I always look forward to seeing them in the Spring. XOXO, Daddy!
We all sat around and talked. One of Judy's friends that was staying with her for the Herceptin shot gave each of us a beautifully hand-pained silk scarf. Mom passed out donuts and cupcakes. And Dr. Robinson stops by to talk about the Neupogen shots. She has decided that I will take 14 - 20 shots before my next chemo. UGH. That equals 14-20 days of pain for me. I', not looking forward to it, but I need to get to the last treatment. Lucky #6. I hope.
Treatment went REALLY fast! So fast that I was surprised when it was done and I didn't even get to send texts to the girls. Steph was cranky that she did not get her "chemo update". There was a pharmacist working on-site today, so the IVs did not have to be delivered to the infusion center. This saved about 45 minutes of the day. We pack up all the goodies and head to our cars.
Dad headed home. Chris, Mom, Cindi and I went to Smashburger for lunch. Much of the conversation revolved around my surgery and the many plans I have over the next couple of months. We also talk about Christmas. My surgery is on 12-12-12...they think it is lucky. I think they are just saying they think its lucky. Kind of like when you tell a bride its lucky to
have rain on your wedding day because it is raining outside. I'm not really buying it, but I laugh. I have plans to go to a wedding on December 29...high hopes that I can make it.
We went our separate ways after lunch. Chris went home, Cindi went to get Luke for a college night, and Mom and I went shopping for pink clothes to wear to Strides this weekend. Then home to bed for me.
It has been a long day today. What started off tough ended just fine. I was able to count my many blessings today. More than I often realize, probably more than I deserve. But I appreciate each and everyone of them. Chemo days tend to be my best days lately. I feel good, I see people I love, and I eat great cupcakes! Life is pretty good, cancer and all.
XOXO,
Sue
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| Kimmie's oldest, Jake got his braces off today! So handsome and a fun text to get during chemo! |
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i love that your dad plants tulips for you every year! so sweet. :)
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