It's NOT Just Hair - July 22, 2912

"How can I control my life when I can't control my hair?"

Life is challenging. Each of us takes the journey of life facing challenges along the way.  Sometimes, these challenges come one after the other.  It has been a crazy month and 2 days.  This includes the reality of my cancer returning, surgeries, chemo, pain, but the challenge I face this week is one of the harder ones for me.  Part of me feels vain for even being upset by this, but I can't change the way I feel. My scalp starting tingling the past few days and it will probably start to hurt soon. I was holding on to the hope that I'd have the miracle of not losing my hair this time around. No such luck. 

Most women never have to think about losing their hair.  Society puts such a huge emphasis on hair.  Products, accessories, salons, magazines, commercials, etc.  I put a huge emphasis on my hair with all of those things.  We get upset about bad hair days and bad haircuts. We grumble about it, we fuss over it, we take it for granted.  We make appointments for our hair, but forget to make doctor appointments.  It is estimated that we spend $160 per year on shampoos and conditioners, $120 on styling products, and $520 on haircuts.  If you color your lovely locks, add an additional $330!  The money is one thing, but the time we spend on our hair is even more.  We girls spend an average of one hour and 53 minutes a week washing , blow drying and styling our hair.  

So, please don't say "It's just hair."  For me, hairloss is a loss of identity, self-esteem, and an emotional roller-coaster, it will be a daily reminder that I have cancer.  Even on the good days, I will look in the mirror and be reminded that I have cancer.  Even when I'm done with treatment, the cancer is gone, and I am feeling well, my hair will remind me of the journey.

I clearly remember the last time I went through this process.  The first day that it started to fall out was also on a Sunday.  I was working for Harrah's and we had a group of customers in a skybox for a Bears game at Soldier Field.  I looked in the box next to us and saw Todd Leonard.  Todd was my high school boyfriend who has always remained a friend.  He was at the game with family for business.  He made a motion to meet them in the hallway to say hello. I walked out to chat.  We all stood there for a bit talking and I happened to run my fingers through my hair.  All I could feel was a clump of hair in my hands, so I kept my hand in my hair while talking, ended the conversation quickly, and walked to the bathroom to cry.  I don't know if I ever told him that story, but I will never forget that day.

I brushed my hair this morning...the process is begining...please give me the strength to make it through this week.  Steph's text -  "Any signs of it falling out?"  My response "just brushed my hair. :(" with the picture below attached.  Steph - "Darn it...one more hurdle to jump, right??  Together!!" with a thumbs-up emoticon.  

It's the first day that my hair is falling out.  :(

I can't help but cry.  I hate my reality.  I don't even like my hair all that much, but it's MINE!!  And cancer is taking another thing away from me.  I think I'll crawl back under the covers for the day.  Bed didn't last too long as I decided that a pedicure sounds like a much better option.  I'm sitting here writing this on my iPad, getting a pedi and looking across the room at a lady who has a shirt on the says "It doesn't matter what you call 'em...just check 'em!"  Pretty appropriate for the situation.  So, ladies...go check 'em!

XOXO, 

S

PS.

If you or a loved one are facing hair loss from cancer, please consider reaching out to the American Cancer Society.  We supply wigs, free of charge, to those battling cancer.  We also have a great program called "Look Good...Feel Better".  Visit www.cancer.org for more information or to find an ACS location near you.