My Fear of Committment - July 5, 2012

"Don't date someone you can't see yourself marrying."

Don't worry, I'm sick and have a long road ahead of me, so dating is not on my radar...heck, dating isn't really on my radar when I'm well, but when it is, I completely agree with the quote above.

The kind of "dating" I'm talking about here is my date with an potential oncologist. We need to see if we click, if we have similar values, if we are both strong willed, if we can communicate, if we like each other as people, and of course...is she wearing cute shoes!?! Today was a long day of getting prepared for our series of meetings, I needed to do my research and have all of my files, slides, paperwork, history, etc, in hand! I was organized in very cute folders and very thankful to Dr. Marshall, the hospitals and Jeff for getting me copies of everything that we might need. To today's appointments I took my ROCK, Cindi, solid in every situation and knows what questions to ask and when to sit back and listen. Cindi, the eldest of the Divas, but also the most experienced in the medical field and medical situations. I had planned on going alone because I knew it would be a long afternoon and I did not want to impose on others. Fortunately, she insisted and I was happy to take a person who has become as close as a sister over the years and who possibly knows more about me than anyone else at this point in my life. Cindi and I are probably a couple of circumstance...I'm single, Luke and Emma are old enough to take care of themselves, and Jeff is like a brother to me...we are all comfortable around each other...it is easy. So, we headed to Loyola with a guarantee that I would buy dinner and martinis on the way home...ok,Cindi probably came for the martinis, but she was there and I needed her more than I would admit that day. The hospital was east to find, the parking was outside the door, the waiting room was ok, and they took me right in to get started. No sooner had I sat back down with Cindi in the waiting room that I heard my name "Susan, Susan Ward"...that's me and they are right on time! 2 PM and they are calling me in. I stood, gathered my bag of medical history, said good-bye and headed towards the door. The PA said "she can join you"...Cindi perked up, I turned towards her and she had that look on her face of "great, let's get the party started"...ok, come join us. Come be the calming factor that I need, come ask the questions that I will forget, hear the answers that were too much for me to handle, be the brain that I left at home on June 22. Please know that this appointment was done as a "favor" to someone. They squeezed me in, had no real history, and knew that I would be getting additional opinions, but they all still gave me their attention and time. Up first,a PA to the surgeon and then the a potential surgeon. To be honest, I like my surgeon, but wanted to hear what he had to say and hear about the plastic surgeon that he works with. A surgeon will do what they have to do, but a plastic surgeon will give me back the "girls" for life. It's a team effort an dI still need to find the team. The surgeon is a nice Greek man, not too much older than we are, but his first name is "Constantine" on his card, but he goes by "Dean"....huh????? Where do you get Dean from Constantine. Name changes always confuse me....Jack from John? Bonnie from Bernadette, Munson from Eric?????? Who makes this stuff up? Well, Dean and Cindi go way back. He remembers Jeff and he remembers performing surgery on Jeff's Dad...so, there's a little chemistry there. Confident, chemistry. He decided to examine me breast and asked if I wanted Cindi to leave the room. I said "no,I'm not shy, she's seen it all."  Cindi responded "I've seen them in person, I've seen them in picture, I see them all the time"...HUH!?!? With a few sentences, we have now become "life partners" to everyone that we will meet the rest of the day. I'm in full support of life partners, but I didn't realize I was getting one while sitting on a doctor's table...and I didn't even get the ring! Damn it!!! If I have a life partner that bitch better give me a big honking ring! ;) He's knows Cindi's husband so maybe he thinks it is even kinkier that we think he thinks things are...we laughed the rest of the day and the whole way home.  Everyone continued to address us ans if we were a "couple".  I've dated worse, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

"Dean" said he could give me nice little B+s, so he gets to stay on the list and I will meet with the plastic surgeon someday. We've got time to make those decisions. Next person in the room is Cindy, she's Dr. Robinson's assistant...we really liked her and she was getting all of my history and data prepared for Dr. Robinson. Then came Dr. Patricia Robinson, Patricia as she introduced herself. Imagine if you will, a petite framed, African American women, 43 years old, probably weighs 90 lbs soaking wet, tailored lab coat, tailored black crop pants, very nice pink and cream mules with a kitten heel, sits on the medical board for ACS....she's cute and tiny...everything I've ever wanted to be! ;) But then she spoke, got everything organized, took a detailed history of me as a person, looked in my eyes while asking questions, searched for answers when I asked about clinical trials, came highly recommended from my ACS family...she was SMART and ELOQUENT...everything I am looking for in a doctor to "date".  Patricia spent over 2 hours with Cindi and I. She answered every question that I had, she knew the protocol for the breast cancer that I am fighting, but she also knew I wanted to be aggressive and she wanted to do the same, so she suggested an additional 2 treatments, if my body can take it. Then she finally felt my breast to see what we were playing with here. This little lady did one of the most painful and comprehensive breast exams that I have ever had. I knew I was in "trouble" when she felt the large mass, her eyes bugged out and she said "what is this? Is it new?" You see, she thought I had had the entire mass removed and was shocked at it's size and texture. She fumbled to feel her pockets and pulled out a tape measure...the same kind my dad would use to make shelves..."measure twice, cut one". So, she measured and was shocked to see the size that was still in my breast...over 8 cm of cancer still in my breast with large node involvement. Her intensity change, our conversation changed. Almost instantly, we were getting "married" and starting our plan for treatment. Apparently, there was no time to wait. Test had to be done, chemo class to be scheduled, a port to be placed, chemo would start on 7-11-12...I had picked my oncologist...or maybe she picked me!!!

 The next person to enter the room was Janine. She will be my nurse the next several months. Janine is very nice, wide eyed, wild curly hair, very compassionate, very calm...probably a little to calming for me. We are fight cancer here, let's move a little faster! Maybe it had just been a long time in the same room with people coming in and out. Maybe I had come to the realization that everything was moving so quickly. Maybe I just couldn't wrap my arms around the fact that I made a commitment to a woman that I really don't know well and she has my life in her hands the next few months. Cindi liked Janine, my opinion was still out for Janine. She seemed like she may have spent some time with the medicinal marijuana cabinet, but who am I to judge. She went through ever drug with me, answered my questions, talked in too much detail and I finally fogged over. Luckily, Cindi saw the fog and was my beacon of hope to get me the heck out of there...after all, we have a nice dinner to have and she's ready for a martini! So, we made a quick visit to the infusion center (where you get chemo) and it was VERY depressing, stopped by to give blood, and headed outside to leave. Little did we know that it rained while we were in there and the heat had intensified. So, to dinner we went to talk it all through. I called Mom on the way to say that I liked the doctor and Loyola and we will be starting next week. Cindi called Jeff to get the ball rolling on the MANY scans that I will need in order to start. It's gonna be a crazy few days if we are going to get this "party" started! Holy crap!!!! I just picked my oncologist...have I made a mistake??  Much was discussed over dinner...thankfully I had my "life partner" with me to help make the choices!  And I still had Monday to try to get in with another oncologist.

If you read my 4th of July post this will make since: Tonight, I received a text from Jim, Gina's husband.  It is one of those texts that have meant so much to me.  He will probably kill me for putting this out there, but I have cancer...he can't! ;)   "Hey Sue, just checking in to see how your appointment went.  I wanted to talk to you and let you know I'm thinking about you, but didn't think yesterday was the appropriate time.  Just want you to know I'm here for you if you need anything, and I'm praying for you.  You will beat this again.  Love you."  Jim doesn't send texts and doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, but he did tonight and it was for me.  Clearly he did not learn his texting skills from Gina...I was able to read every word and didn't need an interpreter!

XOXO, 

S

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.