Rainy Days and Mondays - July 2, 2012

"The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all he ambiguity.  No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is the days that you have had you will have lived."  Gilda Radner

Could it be any hotter in Joliet today?  What is up with all this heat and why the heck am I not in a pool or on the lake in MI?  Still "enjoying" my week off for "vacation".  It's my birthday week and I always take it off.  Plus, it's the 4th of July, so it is just smart planning on my end to bookend vacation days and holidays.  

Today is the day that I get my results from Dr. Marshall.  Again, we know it is cancer, but we are waiting to find out the pathology of the cancer.  And again, I have convinced myself that it was all a mistake.  Well, my anxiety levels are sky high!!  Probably a case of Xanax could not take me off this ledge.  I decided to take my Mom with me today.  It makes her feel better and I really think that I need to support.  So, I work for a bit in the morning (yes, on vacation, but that's what we do) and then we head for my noon appointment.  We get there, wait a few minutes and then we are told that Marshall is in surgery and running late...come back in an hour or so.  Back to home we go where I work some more.  Anything to kill the time.  Then, back to Marshall's office to wait some more.  While there I asked for all my records over the years.  My potential oncologist will need them, so I may as well get started and stay organized.  So, the receptionist started making copies of the stack of papers, Mom started reading, and I started over-thinking.  Another 30 minutes passed and I was crawling out of my skin, couldn't breathe, and the tears started falling...out the door I went to stand in the heat by the car.  Just a few minutes of air might do me good, right?  Well, I couldn't get an handle on my emotions for some reason, I couldn't stop with the heavy thoughts, I couldn't push back the fear...I needed out, but had no place to go.  Mom came out to try to talk to me and try to get me to come in from the heat.  She was quickly dismissed and I stayed out there for several minutes longer.  Just me, sitting on the curb outside of the doctor's office...stuck in my head and terrified of what I was going to hear.

When I returned to the office the receptionist handed me ALL of my paperwork from the past 11.8 years...a big stack in a manila envelop....I've never understood why it is called a manila  envelop, I will have to Google that later...literally, a thought that went through my head.  So, the waiting continued, people kept coming in, Mom was getting impatient, I was still ready to crawl out of my skin....AND THEN IT HIT ME!!!!!  The receptionist gave me ALL of my paperwork from the past 11.8 years...here I am waiting to hear results that I already have in my hands.  I ripped the manila envelope open so quickly, flipped to the back, and started reading my pathology reports!  It wasn't inflammatory!!!  It was cancer, but it wasn't as bad as we had anticipated.  I started texting the girls to let them know and tried explaining it all to Mom...it was the best results that we could have gotten.  Not the "mistake" I had thought of, but better than it could have been.

Finally, I was called in to Dr. Marshall's office and WAITED even longer!  It was hot, I was light headed, and I just needed to hear her tell me everything.  She came in, we chatted, I cried, and we started to figure out a plan for an oncologist.  I pulled myself together, walked out to the lobby, saw my Mom and started sobbing again...people had been waiting hours at this point and I am sure they were angry with waiting...I know that if I were waiting and watched someone come out of the office sobbing, my disposition would change greatly.  I only hope that none of them were getting the news I had gotten that day...I hope their mind had not played tricks on them, I hope that they left the office with their lives still being "normal"...

Next step...figure out an oncologist!  No pressure!


XOXO,


S


If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.