The Mind Games Got Crazy Tonight...July 1

"Stop thinking about what could go wrong and start thinking about what could go right!"

I'm still waiting to hear the results from my pathology reports.  I'm not a person who is good at waiting, but I can over-analyze EVERYTHING with the best of them.  I'm one of those people that will replay a conversation, misunderstanding, argument, etc., a million times in my mind.  I can dwell on the smallest stuff and rarely forget things that are of little importance to others.  ;)   So, today I did just that...skipped important things that I was supposed to do and spent some quality time dwelling on possibilities. Taylore, I'm sorry that I didn't make your graduation party.  I just didn't have it in me.

Bed to couch, to bed, to CVS, and back to the couch...about as productive as one of my cats.  You see, tonight, I decided it had all been a huge mistake.  They had the wrong reports, the wrong films, the wrong blood work, they did surgery on the wrong person, etc.  I decided that I would look like a fool to those who I told I have cancer.  Decided that I screwed up by ordering catalogs for wigs, etc.  Not sure how I talked myself into this, but I did just that.  Well, probably not 100%, but pretty darn close.  I was texting Cindi and telling her that I think it was all a mistake, but then I said "Jeff is good at what he does, Payvar is good, Marshall is good, Jester is good, Fitzgibbons is good...I'm screwed".  These are some of the doctors that had looked at all my "stuff".  Cindi said "the tissue will do the talking."  I just said "it needs to start talking soon!  Even if it's not cancer, I'm getting rid of them!".  Only about 3% of me actually thought it was a mistake, but my heart knew differently.  Cindi's text " it's human nature to pull for the under dog AND to hope for the best...can I throw you a shower for your breast divorce?  You deserve it".  Me, "that's just weird...we didn't throw a party for (a friend) who went through a divorce.  She might get mad."  Cindi, "All new pretty B bras...think about it...it wouldn't suck.  Just saying...there needs to be some reward in all this."  Me, "Hopefully the reward will be that I don't die.  That'd be nice."  Cindi, "Not even an option..."

Okay, I'm sure it is odd to read things the way that I am writing them, but this is how a lot of things are happening.  It seems that most "conversations" have taken place over text.  It allows for some humor and allows for my tears to fall in private.  My mind was playing tricks on me today and today I thought it was all ok, if only for a minute or two, it was all ok and a huge mistake.

Still waiting for pathology results.  12 PM appointment with Dr. Marshall on Monday.

XOXO,

S

If you or anyone you love is facing cancer PLEASE reach out to the American Cancer Society.  Nobody should face cancer alone.   http://www.cancer.org/  or 800.227.2345.   24 hours a day 365 days a year.  WE are here for you.